- deepest condolences to everyone who has lost their loved ones this year, praying that they found peace and are watching over you Thank you for staying strong and processing things that happened. Every single one of you matter, and all your lives matter. please be grateful and take care of your mental and physical health.
Yesternight, I passed on the chicken mull from my favourite restaurant and papa groaned— "You're getting moodier day by day." But I just didn't know why or how I didn't like the smell or taste of it anymore. It had a bland and grey flavour, maybe it always had. I don't know. It was more, perhaps, more than the seemingly moody unwillingness to devour and drool at my usually favourite stew.
Two nights ago, I gazed at the calendar for hours and hours in dead silence. Then fell lifelessly on the fluffy bed with stony thoughts. I forgot ma's death anniversary. And what good is a child who doesn't remember his mother? There's nothing I could do. I'm good for nothing. Everything's going against me. I can't. I shouldn't do anything, I'm going to fail anyhow. Maybe, this feeling would wash out in the morning, but unfortunately, it never does.
Three nights ago, I picked up a half-read Murakami book and flipped through the cover, but I couldn't get past the first page. I love him. I love his books. Then, why? Mood, I guess, I'm in a terrible one. Switched on Netflix to watch something, but for some irrelevant reasons, staring at the ceiling felt more satisfying and soothing. It had been quite a patch since the past few days. Doing nothing seems like my new hobby. I'm too spoiled and perhaps, it's just a phase when everything's boring or am I losing reasons to breathe?
Four nights ago, Papa knocked on my room's door as if the world was ending. He gave me a nice scolding over how I've been so lazy, not getting out of my room, and lying in bed all day. I felt he was right. I'm lazy, extremely. But it's tiring, I feel I'm tired. How often? Almost always. I should exercise maybe, but I don't want to and I don't even think it'll work for me. So, I took a bath to feel refreshed but I was still feeling tired. Ugh, I sure am lazy. But everything is exhausting and I'm already feeling utterly exhausted. I'll try and sleep if my sleeping problems don't persist. Insomnia is a clinical term and I must not use it until I'm suffering legitimately. I don't think I am, am I?
Five nights ago, I felt numb over things that happened and were going to happen. Some thing's that I didn't say and I should have or vice verse. I felt worried, I dare not say anxious because it's a complicated feeling and not to be casually used a word. There was an endless stream of thoughts that didn't make sense. They were there, just there. I kept biting my nails and the skin around them until all my fingers bled. I hate myself, sometimes, because I find it so hard to trust someone who literally places all of them in my palm. I hate these worries. I hate thinking so much. I hate doubting everything. I felt everything's gonna end, but it didn't, why?
Six nights ago, the traffic sounds were frustrating. I wanted to pull my hair out of my skin. The noise of my baby cousin was disturbing. It made me want to bang my head in a wall. I want peace. There's no peace. Neither outside, not inside. Little things make me agitated, and irritated. Things like not finding my books where I left them, things like living. Everything's a turn off for me, everything puts me off. I'm a drama queen, I'll be fine. I'm just exaggerating and overreacting. It'll just be fine.
Seven nights ago, I found myself spiralling in anger for nothing. Blowing nothing out of proportion. Punching the air, without any reason. I sometimes laugh at funeral pyres, and cry at jokes. For god's sake, I can't take humour. I'm always hurt and offended. I feel sad over petty things, things worth not getting sad about. I don't think there's any down below this. But it'll be fine, after all, weeping philosophers don't always sob, do they?
Every night, I know it'll be fine, it'll be better, it's just a phase, a rough patch, but, when you see the purpose of kitchen knives, skipping ropes and phenyl cans beyond what they're meant for, you know, something isn't quite right.
2077/04/15 12:00 Happy friendship day my friends. you all have been so kind to me thank you so much. mirakee has been my friends for a year and half. happy friendship day mirakee armies are the first friend I made here. you guys are special everyone of you. im sorry for not being able to tag on caption mirakee allowed only 10 trust me I wana tag each and everyone of you. #fdc @saloni__ babe, you are one the kindest soul I have seen knock my door often. I miss you always @arya_abhipsa Anna, you will always be my small sister even you act like an older one. we will be on a rollercoaster someday holding each other hand @ak_anjali_daydreamzz baby girl, you introduce me to the different mirakee which is more fun and love. im looking forward to our double date @thesunshineloves my sunshine, you are always a morning sunrise who brings a smile on our faces. we will see lee min ho kdram together someday @the97_introvert kookie, you are so sweet with everyone. I have a wish to see you singing someday. you promise to date me on next life @redheart161 hey red, I love your name. I had the same name long ago but no one noticed. surprise me with your cute comment always @btslove hey, love. you are so good with your words. I will be waiting for your comment always. @scar_on_stars my studying friend, I hope you will achieve your dream. you deserve it @taekook_maknae my golden maknae I adore your name. smile always @nivey14 nivey I like you the way you are always same. I Purple you