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  • winter_dreams 24w

    To miraquill,
    As an engineering student who is avidly told about entrepreneurship, I understand the growing and expanding of this app, the changes and all the other things that have happened since 2019 (I guess?).
    And miraquill is a good name, but even today when I install this app, I type mirakee on the search bar.

    So, as a writer who was here in 2018 mirakee era, I feel conflicted. I miss the old feed, the old people who have left and perhaps, the old me, too. I have no doubt that platforms will grow but for us, the old writers, mirakee will be fond memories of our favorite people, our favorite poems, our favorite words and our favorite comment sections. So, as a writer, I feel sadness and longing for the things that once used to be.

    My journey on this app will always be my fondest memory because I remember experimenting writing, then writing for validation and finally, writing for myself and accepting that. And at the expense of sounding crazy, maybe a lot of journeys are like that.

    I have always wanted to write this out but felt as if it was of no importance to anyone, or me, but it is important because mirakee chased a lot of my nightmares away. I still come here to write when I want to just write and let go and I still come here to read people who bring back good old times to me and I still come back sometimes to just read.

    And as I conclude, I feel acceptance for my writing, which is an important part of me and I feel acceptance of reality, as we all do. This is what life is. A good old simple chapter in our book waiting to make our future selves realize: this is good. Future is fond of simple past even if it seems complicated in the present.

    -Juhi, winter_dreams

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    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 26w

    I write it feeling I'm invalid. This is invalid. Me is not real. My emotions are not worthy.
    But if I think like this
    If this is not it, what is?

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    What is me?

    I may confuse you
    But I confuse me more.
    You know what? I don't care about you
    Not for this moment
    Because I care too much about you.
    Always.

    There is a difference between what is me
    And who am I?
    Today I ask myself
    What is me?
    I was roaming the corridor and I saw something
    Peaking out of someone's room
    Something that reminded me of my life like it was a few years ago.
    It seemed almost homey.

    What is me? Why was it like me?
    What is it to me?
    Why am I restless?
    Why is there so much going in my brain at such a great speed?
    Is this what I call anxiety?
    Or something to anyhow force reality at the back of my mind?

    What is me without the people in my life?
    Without the people in my past that are hard to let go?
    I want so much to open something in the reality driving away machine in my hand
    Until I realise what this actually is
    What this all actually means

    There are no commas no full stops
    It all fades away into nothingness so fast
    But that is how it is in my mind
    And if I can't accept it, how do I expect you to accept it?
    I want to care so much about everything
    Just not about things that matter
    Because if I do it will become real
    And reality is not good today.

    It would take effort to make it good for tomorrow.
    Effort I don't know how to make
    Anxiety I don't know how to suppress
    Doubts I don't know how to extinguish
    But if I drown
    If I drown again
    The water will ask

    "What was all it for?"

    And I can ignore the water
    But the reflection, it demands answers

    Even in dreams.

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 39w

    WHEN I BREAK

    When I break, may it be in such glory
    That you feel bewitched watching me crumble
    Let's create a romance so devastating
    They come and see and cry and come again.

    When I break, may it be on the banks of the river
    May it be such a leap of shattered pieces
    That the water wonders,
    Will my depth cover the damage in clean deception
    Or will it stretch through the oceans,
    Like the pieces of herself?

    When I break, may it be so loud
    It will deafen anyone who doesn't care
    And feel like crystal of despair and power simultaneously
    On the ears of people I give the power to watch me unbecome my soul essence.

    When I break, may it be so blazing
    It burns everything that is not me
    And i feel content in my ashes
    Travelling the world.

    When I break, may the trust I build be so strong
    It doesn't break the people I trust or me
    May it break everything I let happen
    But not everything I made happen.

    When I break, may it be in an unsymmetrical poem
    May it make sense to everyone in their own way
    Enough to let me break
    Enough to let them break
    Just, enough.

    -Juhi

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    When I Break

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 55w

    I know it is a very long story, but I realized something today and wanted to share it, I apologize for all the grammatical errors in advance. ❤️

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    The Kitchen And The Lizard

    So it is my duty to clean the kitchen before sleeping every night and usually I do it right after the dinner is done. In this season, no matter how much I keep the kitchen clean, lizards enter the kitchen because it is hot outside and there is water in kitchen, hence, providing coolness. I have made my peace with it, I clean the kitchen thoroughly at night and first thing in the morning to maintain hygiene and check for lizards. Today, though, we went to terrace right after dinner and what was supposed to be a 15 minutes walk turned out to be a 2 hour long conversation with a friend. And since I usually don't go out and socialize much, mom was okay with leaving me on terrace and hence by the time we came down, kitchen was still in need to be cleaned. What I didn't comprehend was there was no commotion and light in the kitchen for 2 hours, there was a chance that a lizard will be there. I switch the light on and freeze because I see a lizard right in front of me near sink, what felt like staring at me. Now I am, on some days, extremely brave and shoo them away and on some days I have this irritational fear that they will jump on me if I go near them.

    Today was the day I was scared of them, but like triple the amount. So I froze on the entrance for a good one minute before mom came and I said, don't worry, I'll take care of it. My brain was completely frozen and I was scared. So my mom said, take the mixture of dettol and water on the serving and spray it on the lizard, they can't stand the smell of it. It was something I know by heart, having done this many times before, but in the moment, I had no idea how I'll do it. But I sent mom to bed already and had to do it myself. So I slowly backed away, brought the mixture and froze again at the entrance of kitchen. For good 15 minutes I had no idea what to do and how to do it, even if I had done this a million times before. It was very late at night and everything in the house was very quite and as I felt the strength to take a step forward, the lizard moved. It was nearing the kitchen stand and I couldn't let that happen because I still had to clean, so I took quick, scared steps and sprayed the mixture on it. After good 20-25 sprays, it was out the window and I was shaking. Even as I was cleaning the kitchen, I felt shaky and it took good few minutes past my normal time for me to do my basic work. And as I came to my bed I realized, it took me 15 minutes to gather strength to do something that was over in probably 30 seconds or less.

    Sometimes in life, it takes us time to move forward as well. We stare at our insecurities and freeze. We can't back out because of the work we have to do for our dreams and future but that lizard, oh man. Staring us in the eye and making us freeze. Although it is difficult to stand outside the kitchen in that uncomfortable position but it feels safer than the feeling of the lizard, aka the doubts creeping on us. It becomes the comfort zone, staring at the insecurities, telling us, what if you never move on? What if you never succeed in life? And we get so absorbed in those insecurities we don't see the kitchen require cleaning and we are wasting our time. But when the lizard gets close to affecting our kitchen, the kitchen we spend time on daily to clean, we make a move. And we may shake on those days and doubt what we are doing and go to bed late and think I'm stupid, remember you still cleaned the kitchen, the lizard is outside your house, you made it go away, or even it is not, when you wake up in the morning, you'll clean your kitchen and maybe you'll find it below your gas stove and jump back a little, but you will always make it go away, clean the kitchen and do your work, you didn't let the kitchen stink or stay dirty. You worked, even if it meant facing the lizard.

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 67w

    You And Her and Death

    You come home smelling like her
    And in the warmth of your hug
    I ask myself, is it even my place to ask?
    Is it my place to doubt?
    Funny enough, I've never learnt where my place is since then.

    You come home smelling like her
    I don't know how many 'hers'
    I've lost count or maybe my mind
    And as you hug me again
    I wonder if it's alright if I wish you weren't here
    I wonder if it's alright to be angry with you.
    Funny enough, I've never had the sense to connect my emotions to myself again.

    You come home smelling like her
    And this time I stare before I hug
    You smile and give me a lie
    It must've been good enough
    I see everyone around me smile
    And I wonder maybe my eyes and nose lie?
    Maybe there is no gravity in my doubts.
    Funny enough, I never look in the mirror and smile, it reeks of you, and you reek of her.

    Death, you see, has two meanings in my dictionary.
    One where you walk out the door and never come back
    Two where you are lifted out of the door and never brought back.

    You come back home smelling like her again
    This time there are no hugs, no smiles,
    No decency to lie.
    And as you sit on the front of the sofa watching TV
    I wondered if it's okay if I wished to not see you again
    And I never did.
    You chose the wrong death.
    Funny enough, I've never given myself the luxury of choices again.

    I sped to 85 on a 50 road
    Trying to find the smell of home in the tress I pass
    I break 1000 plates that reek of anger
    Trying to find the crack to mix with despair and grief
    I punch the mess, reek of blood and look in the mirror
    I don't smile
    I don't see you
    I drive back to the empty house in trail of blood and horns
    I don't give myself the privilege of choice, you took that away.

    You don't come home and I don't smell her
    I try to breathe, to be free
    And in the cold emptiness
    I lie on the bed and ask myself
    Can I take it back?
    Would I mind her smell again if it means you come home again?
    And I close my eyes and don't hide.
    Funny enough, funerals don't lie, neither did my love.
    You did. She did.


    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 86w

    Hello everyone. I'm back. Kinda? Did y'all miss me?

    Okay. So I have a lot to say. I missed mirakee soooo much.
    I forgot how I could write whatever I want here.
    I've been a lil antisocial lately. It's like a lot of things making sense all at once and it gets a lil too much sometimes .

    I feel guilt, embarrassment, resent, regret but the feeling that gave me the final push to download mirakee again was...
    I realized that we're all alone, fighting our own battles in this world and for the first time this doesn't scare me or makes me sad. I don't know. For the first time in forever, I don't feel like I need someone's attention. I'm happy having my own attention.

    Here's a piece from the mess of my ocean :)

    #mirakee #writersnetwork

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    :):

    There are stars in my smile
    And they form small constellations to hold onto people.
    My comfort and trust were travellers,
    Staying in anyone, who shows a flicker of care.
    Maybe my hollowness was full of itself
    And I had no room to share.

    Comfort now shivers in a dark corner,
    Refusing to come out and soak reality.
    Trust comes home once a year, shakes its head
    And takes a U-turn
    But not before promising another visit.
    It tells me,
    "If upto me, I would've cut all ties,
    But my lover, hope, thinks it ain't right."

    Insecurities tip-toes in the room as I write,
    Hand in hand with its best friend, doubt.
    They sparkle their magic glitter and I feel dizzy,
    All that is not me, shines bright.
    So bright I thought I'm black and hollow.
    Oh wait. I am.
    And as the dizziness disappears,
    It takes away a little of me with it.
    Somedays pride, somedays confidence.

    Today though, a gust hollers from my favorite window,
    The only clean and pure thing in this room
    And as I try to digest the fact
    That the last good thing inside is about to get tainted;
    The window overhauls the hollers to sounds
    And I feel it before I see it, loneliness.
    I close my eyes and wait for sadness and fear to come through,
    But they don't.
    I see light, blinding light,
    At midnight.
    I see stars of my smile, smiling in their own light.
    Then, loneliness makes a sound
    And everything falls into place.

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 107w

    Ab - Normal?

    This is not a writeup.
    This is my heart bleeding the only way it knows.
    I've never felt like I truly belonged somewhere.
    I never felt I'm one of the crowd.
    And I wanted to. For so so long.
    It started a long time ago too.
    My parents used to work and on days when I had to be picked up from school,
    There were often miscommunications.
    I used to watch parents come and children go with them.
    More so often than not I was the last one to go home.
    I've never felt like I'm normal.
    I can stand in between group of people and
    I'll always have this feeling
    They all have something in common, every last one of them, that I don't.
    And that's why they communicate so casually.
    I always felt left out.
    I've had trust issues even before I knew the meaning of this term.
    I don't have anyone to call my home. No friends I can really call my true friends.
    You'll often find me mingling, smiling, making conversations
    But I'll never tell them what's on my mind.
    My throat refuses to let those words out of the cage.
    What if my thoughts, feelings, emotions are weird, different, not normal?
    I've tried making peace with the fact I don't know how to hold people in my life.
    They always slip away.
    All of the people surrounding me know this secret
    The key to my insecurities.
    They know or they fake confidence amazingly.
    Some days, most days, I feel ashamed of my own thoughts.
    I feel ashamed of loathing me.
    Other days, I pick myself up and move on.
    I tried talking to people, random strangers and failed.
    I don't really know what I want anymore.
    I don't really know what is normal anymore.

    -Juhi

    ( i knowwww. I may or may not remove it soon.
    I knowww. I'm like the worst one for not replying to you people. I'm fine. Kind of. Thank you for caring. I hope you all are too.)

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  • winter_dreams 118w

    Close your eyes and cry,
    Sing softly and don't ask me why.

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 119w

    I sometimes forget how tangled I am.
    I sometimes forget how okay it is to be so.

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    I've three years worth of tears left to cry
    It's time to be on my own
    I've been sputtering apologies straight for years now
    I thing it's time to forgive myself before I'm far too gone.

    ©winter_dreams

  • winter_dreams 119w

    What time is it?
    It's heal o'clock.

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    Heal

    I'm coming to terms with a lot of things these days.
    I don't miss people, I miss what I was when I was with them,
    The extremely pure power of positively and determination I possessed.

    I guess we spend most of our life earning respect and chasing love,
    I think the most we need is to close our eyes and feel the respect from our hearts reflecting in our minds.

    I've been told I speak a lot less these days, I work a little more, I think a little more, I feel a little more.

    Some random part of a book I read a long time ago hit me suddenly today, at a random hour and I had a good cry.
    I bid a little more farewell, I felt a little less.

    I realised people around me are a little less different than me and I expected to feel the content of normalness,
    But all I felt was a sharp slap of logic and a warm hug of desires to be my own self.

    I look inside and feel hate sometimes,
    Sometimes I am amazed I am still standing,
    Sometimes it's pure confusion.
    But I'm not numb anymore.
    It's a tiny step,
    But a step nonetheless.

    The above lines don't relate to each other
    And it brings me comfort,
    To wrap all extreme parts of me in one.

    I guess I will heal, the depression and over thinking a few people I loved in the past gifted me are ready to rest in the near future.

    I guess I'm coming to terms with things that are normal,
    To still love people who aren't around,
    To miss memories we had with people and feel guilt,
    To feel it is acceptable to move on from guilt,
    To accept demise and be okay with grieving.

    It will all come to an end
    And then we'll have another round
    And another end
    And another round.
    I'll writing heartbreaking stories,
    I'll cry with them and I'll heal,
    I'll break again.
    As long as I learn to depend on myself,
    In weakness and strongness,
    I'll be okay.

    ©winter_dreams