When dad left for the airport, mom went back to her room and prayed for a long time. Draped in her white prayer robes and covered in darkness, i swear she looked like a solitary astronaut in a space of her own. I always once thought the astronaut analogy would've fit my dad better but i realize now that it should go to mom. He's in a stationary position now, it's mom who has to move on and away from home. Because home is where the heart is, and i did see her heart climb aboard the plane
I read in a worn out newspaper article my mother had used to store the last piece of jaggery sent by my late grandmother that the probability of being born is about one in 400 trillion. That is a pretty big number I thought folding the paper back to cover the jaggery.
And while two tiny ants made their way to devour the fallen pieces of jaggery , I wondered , why it is that we don't feel like a miracle then ? Why don't we feel so rare or beautiful or even alive?
I mean think about it , you and me , we won the lottery , a lottery in which trillions of unborn souls participate , but just like the two ants walking away with the jaggery weighing heavy on their minuscule bodies we hold the sweet treasure of our miracle breath with the dry logic of duty and duty alone.
Anyway , my sister was sewing tiny green birds onto my pillow the other night while I returned back home from walk and even though the picture of you sitting silently by yourself weeping stayed like a looping scene within my monosyllabic mind , I managed to ask my sister why she was bothering to sew birds onto a plain pillow that we use only for laying our tired heads on and she said with a smile, that she didn't want me to be lonely while I dream.
She said she hoped her embroidered parrots will fly with me to the unknown destinations my sleeping body would take me to and never make me feel lost or alone. I didn't know whether to smile or cry, because in a world where birds were embroided to save each other from isolation , there were tears being shed too which no other heart could wipe off.
It was then that I decided to write. To you. Not because I could be that ray of hope you are seeking dearly or a balm to soothe your unseen wounds. No. I wanted to write because I know. I know how the heart shrinks in on itself. I know how the noise overtakes the music of the world . I know how the bruises made by the war waging within look for the address of the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how feeling alone is not a feeling as much as the comma that keeps the story of self loathing alive. I know because the world hasn't been kind to me always . And neither have I been kind to the life within me always. But I know how it feels too when you see your sister sewing birds on your pillow and I know too that every one deserves to feel this. The feeling when you know that the loud desire of wanting to be heard and embraced even if for a little while has been heard and felt .
You see , fellow stranger , I am not asking you to be brave. I am not asking you to be hopeful . I am not even asking you to wipe those tears off , what I am saying is that every little grief you are feeling is a sign that the burning miracle called life within you has not gone cold even on this dreary winter's night. The pain you are trying so hard to hide in the darkness of a winter night is what will one day fuel you to walk faster towards the warmth of life. You know why I know this cause we both won the lottery not only but accident , but also by a shared miracle and that miracle will only seem like one when we go through long nights of grief carrying the sweet life we cradle within like heavy burdens until We learn to look within and embroider that bird of hope onto our tired warrior hearts for our own tiny struggling miraculous selves.
I have a feeling that this letter will reach you at the right time . Because After all Isn't all of this A miracle ?
You and me and the whole rest of it.
Warmest regards, A fellow traveler looking for hope too.
p.s : Do me a favour. Listen to "Saturn" by sleeping at last and close this letter knowing you are What the world calls a miracle even on the darkest days (especially on your darkest days).
It all started in October of 2017 when I saw a whatsapp status of my English teacher. She had written this beautiful poem and so I decided to download this app, with this beautiful logo. I and my sister are not the ones who wrote poems or quotes but we loved writing essays and English and so that was the motivating force to our joining mirakee. My first username was raika_ashraf and my first ever quote was on the word of the day: Rivers.
After that I and my sister collaboratively wrote two to three quotes and she went off on her own from then. The first ever person or friend I made was satyamdharia, he was a really good friend but him and many others when found out I was from Pakistan, were very hesitant from there on. Satyam was a really good friend of reshamthegreat and I admired Resham so much, she was the celebrity of that time and hence I got to know her slowly and it was the beginning of my journey and then I got to know so many people.
I wrote really cheesy and stupid quotes at the start and now when I look back I creep myself out but I think that was when I grew and became the person that I am today. In the first year on Mirakee I met this amazing group of friends (zafarkhan, shafia_khanam, shivam, yash, sehaj and milo) and we called ourselves Stalkers not because we stalked people (okay we did but not in the creepy way), what we did was read the people who were here before us and talked in comment boxes that one time we exceeded the limit of comments, I don't know how we did that! Those were really good days and my parents absolutely had no idea what did I do on my phone all day.
Suddenly, oh so suddenly things began to change and my group left mirakee, and so did so many other people - my mother found out about mirakee and read some chats with nivi where he said, 'You will be fifteen in January right?' and my mother scolded me for talking to guys and strangers and all that stuff and hence I took a break (my first ever break) from mirakee and this was after I wrote the post on Men's day.
When I came back nothing was the same, people I knew had left and believe me I do not exaggerate when I say I knew hundreds of people and when I came back I knew only a handful. Mirakee was a strange place to me and hence I left again. That was also the time when I wrote my first ever good write ups, the ones I myself like such as Mirakee-A writers paradise, Paper Planes etc. But I was not consistent and really sad and angry on mirakee and everyone who had left. I once commented on Shivam's post and then I posted those words too, they went like, 'When and why did you leave?' I remember people commenting on my write ups, we miss you come back and then finally I came back after getting over all the people who left and started writing one write up every day, and met sangfroid_soul and then slowly other friends of her and slowly more people on mirakee and zohiii of course. It was a new era, a new lifetime on mirakee which will not make sense to most of you, but everything changed for me. I had this rant account and this anonymous account which some claim to be my alternate personality. There was this phase when I changed my usernames so much and landed on raika but mirakee stopped allowing five lettered usernames and hence the underscore.
Debjit, Gaurav, Tarun, Avitaj, Moi and some more writers are some who were here when I started and they are still here (somehow). I remember reading old writers such as Bluebird, Nightwriter_i, Shizane, _nishta, and so many more (I have a whole list of these amazing writers if anyone needs) and I read them and missed the old mirakee even more. I used to read them when nights were hard to go through. So yes, a thankyou to these old writers, who are the real celebrities for me.
People started leaving yet again but this time I wasn't that bothered because I knew I would leave too, someday, maybe.
But in this second life on mirakee, I once again met this amazing group of girls, also known as Drug Divas and I'm so happy I was one of them. Writersbay being this really nice motive for me to write.
My mirakee journey has had alot of ups and downs, from being harassed because of nationality and religion to being respected by readers who love what I write to making friends, and finding my best friend Shafia.
I have been typing for a while now and it has gotten really long and yet I want to write so much of how I admired tengoku and never thought her and I will be friends and how I have this beautiful and huge block list and about the times when likes and reposts didn't matter, (they should really not matter) and how I got to talk to Bluebird (a huge fan moment) and also Avitaj, haha but yes! I have grown so much in these three plus years of my life and I will never regret downloading mirakee though I really hope they give us free drafts(trying my luck).
I don't know when I might leave mirakee or this world but mirakee for me has been this other dimension where I met people of all kinds especially from India and I am grateful to everyone, to the people I love and hate, adore, and those who creep me out and those I creep out and everyone. It has not always been a good journey but I think, what is a journey without any hardships? So I would like to say
*ink runs out*
What better day to write about mirakee than on Valentines day. My love, you have been really hard on me but then again, I have been really hard on you too. Forever and always, mirakee. (cheesy enough?) I know you love me Mirakee. Miss me when I leave.