To think of you at this hour with this drink in my hand is to invite a dire crisis upon myself wherein every thought would lead my feet toward the kitchen stand where the knife rests. Hence begins the urge to slit open a nerve to see if it hurts as much as your silence.
The clock ticking furiously above my bedroom door reads the anxiousness off my face and asks me to wait for a few minutes; For its minute hand to travel past the 10min mark. All in anticipation of this magical 11:11 wishing fest, I apply brakes to my vicious thoughts.
With five mins left for 11:11, I start thinking beforehand of all the things I can cram up in between 11:11:01 and 11:11:59. My mind runs around at every corner in search of the things I'm lacking; Things that I am in dire need of and are nowhere around me.
Finally, 11:11 it screams, And ask away, it says.
I blank out. I trip and fall over my own feet. So do my thoughts. My eyes bounce off the thoughts which are scattered everywhere on the floor. I start gathering them in my arms but they keep slipping off my fingers like the beautiful memories I lost to date.
I reach towards the end of 11:11. Near the last ten seconds, the clock looks at me and starts pacing.
I close my eyes and spell out the first thing that comes to my mind; your face, with a huge smile hanging from your lips.
The words that left my mouth in those last few seconds: "I wish to see your face glow with the light of a thousand smiles, with me or without me by your side."
The burden of everyday things is sitting like a mountain on my chest. I want you to climb upon it and shred through it part by part with your tender palms until you reach the cave where my heart rests. Wear my love like an armour and cut through everything that speaks of evil. Relieve me from this god aw-ful misery. I’ve given in to this feeling of helplessness but I know there’s no other hope like you.
My anxious head is on the brink of explosion. Every fibre within me is aching for an escape. I don’t have it in me to bear another moment, let alone act like I’m strong. I want the liberty to crawl into your arms every time my chest harbours this unbearable pain. I want to press my head deep into your chest and cry like a man who lost everything.
I wish to run away from this place, to some remote land where I’m not reminded of the evils I’ve encountered within myself or in others. I will follow wherever your heart will lead me. I’m ready to walk a hundred miles if there’s a moment of rest waiting for me at the end of it. Take me to such a place where life doesn’t feel like a prison but make sure it holds just the two of us and the moon.
Her fingers smell of the fresh lilies she fiddled with on her way to my place. And I don’t try searching for any petals, between the pages of her books or in the braids of her hair. For I know she chose not to pluck them. For she knows beauty takes your breath away, only if you let it breathe.
Meeting her is like getting to feel all the thrill and foolishness of drinking water straight from a faucet. And her touch is something like getting visited By a heavy rain after a long season of draught. The skin on my lips feels relieved the moment her touch comes pouring down on it.
Words often find themselves trapped inside her mouth. And she only releases them when I’m in her vicinity. She looks at me with her mouth full of honey-flavoured words, that she saved away from everyone and smiles when I tell her how I crossed days and nights just to hear her speak.
Her hair, the color of dried leaves, stretches a mile long. Although constrained to her head, it’s always on the move. Sometimes away from me, sometimes charging at my face. It’s a road I know to its very end , but somehow I still get lost in it.
I always feel like writing letters to the sky, thanking it for the immense power it has. Coz nothing breaks my attention from day to day problems like a picture perfect sunset. When I'm staring at it, sitting on the edge of my chair, I fail to come up with reasons to lose my smile. Looking up, I start to realize that the world is indeed beautiful, inside out. Problems begin to surface only when I'm looking away from it.
Anyways, it's always a pleasure to be visited by a sky that isn't your regular blue or white. Albiet, the cost you end up paying is a huge amount. i.e the growing yearn for a second visit. Coz similar to lightning, luck doesn't strike twice in the same place. Or maybe it does, but I haven't witnessed it yet.
Lately, with so less days left in Summer, I've been rendered restless; I've been running devoid of patience to see a horizon that is draping colours like a modern canvas. I had the luck of seeing ethereal sunsets last year, I wonder what happened this time around. Are the gods mad at me? I wish the kid in me gets to see a couple of beautiful sunsets. Before a mob of dark clouds start gathering daily before my eyes, I wish to see the soft ones blush like nobody's watching. I'm even ready to hide behind a curtain, if it means getting to see the sky to its fullest.
I don't expect anyone else to put forward an apology but as someone who people look up to, I bear a responsibility to apologize for all the wrong things i did.
(This is an apology only and only to my readers who had to watch me post all the stuff. )
While choosing to fight for the right thing, I ended up crossing the limits. I ended up spreading hate out in the open which wasn't my intention but it did happen. I'm genuinely sorry for all the hurt I caused to my readers.
From here on now, I won't be getting myself involved into anything, whether it's right or wrong. I'll choose to stand by and ignore things coz my readers don't deserve to see the drama through my posts. I won't be using my readership to post anything other than my writing.
Thank you to all who reached out to me. I'm really grateful to have people like you in my life. I'm really sorry it had to come to that. I have been nothing but a disappointment in the last couple of days. I'll have to live with that. Sorry.
"So...." Sitting across her in the mall cafeteria, a syllable leaves my mouth and manages to break her attention from the book she's reading. (The book----The fault in our stars---my favorite. About to be hers as well, as soon as she finishes it.) The curiousity in her eyes spells out the word 'yes' followed by a small question mark.
"How far have you reached?" I ask.
"Chapter ten" She answers, "Hazel and Augustus are going on an expensive date. None of them paid for it though."
"Ah! Amsterdam." I smile, reliving a brief glimpse from the pages following after the chapter ten.
"Listen..." I murmur under my breath, touching my hands together in nervousness. She notices it without fail.
"You look like you're about to confess a murder or something" She laughs." Should I be scared?"
'Close.' I think, 'Well, I am about to report a crime. But it's not murder and it's not committed by me. It's theft and I believe you're the person behind it. My heart's been missing since I met you. I know you've stolen it.'
I dismiss the thought knowing it could potentially bring out nothing but laughter from her. I stick with my regular dose of awkwardness, the one she's used to.
"Uhmmmmm."I murmur again. "Would you be mad if I say I like you?"
"No." She replies instantly. "Why would I be mad? I like you too."
"No." I raise my voice a little. "I mean. Not in that way."
I gather some courage to pump out the heavy words stuck inside my throat. And I start laying them down on the table, "I like you more than a friend. I like you like Hazel likes Gus. And like Gus likes her back."
She closes the book and slides it away to make space for her hands. She takes a minute to process it. Then turns her head away for a few seconds and then looks back at me, "Go on." She says. "I'm listening."
Thinking that it's now or never, I start pouring out all the remaining bottled up feelings in front of her. "I'm not entirely sure if you feel the same way but I can sense a deep connection between us that I hardly feel around anyone else. I've always found myself bearing a heavy weight on my chest, the good kind ofcourse, everytime you've chosen to smile. It's like your joy is somehow interconnected with mine. Everytime I'm with you, in person or on the call, I become the happier version of myself. And between meeting online and offline, I prefer the latter coz when you're close to me, breathing at a palm's distance, it feels like spring."
Her cheeks start turning pink, the colour of the flowers that bloom during spring. I lay my hands on top of hers and press them into a tender grip.
"There's only one life we are rewarded with. And I don't want to waste a single year from it being tied to someone who isn't you. I want to see you in the memories that I'll be creating in the future. So when I'm on my deathbed, I'll get to smile looking back at every single one of them, even shed a few tears, but only happy ones."
Her eyes begin glistening in the light above us. Visible tears layer up at the end of her eyes, waiting to jump and slide down her cheeks once she finds a way to speak.
I kneel down on my knees, putting all of the faith I had saved till now for this moment. I take out the ring from my back pocket and hold it up before her soaking wet eyes.
"Uhmmmmn" I murmur, "Would you be mad if I say I love you?"
"No." She smiles, wiping away the pool of tears, "Why would I be mad? I love you too."
My legs search for a home I don't have a connection to. They keep walking the distance on their own, tired yet restless, without any hope but with a will to keep on marching indifferently. It's been a while since I've taken a breath of relief, my legs have started to stutter, my lips have been totally sealed.
Words don't find a way out of my mouth now, they keep echoing inside my head. It seems like they have found their home there, inside of me while I myself struggle helplessly to call a place my own.
But while I'm failing to find solace anywhere, my mother, she seems to have found a home in me. While I struggle to see myself as anything more than a waste of space, my mother, she begs to differ, she puts all of her pride in me.
Exactly a year ago, on the same day, at around 3 AM, I started writing a birthday post for the first time. To be honest I was a bit nervous because writing prose was (is still) never easy for me. And it's nearly impossible for me to write for someone I love and admire. Tho I tried to gather everything I had to ink, in my mind and heart. I won't lie, I was smiling all the time while writing it, thinking about the smile my small present would bring on your face. I had only sweet nostalgic aroma around me at that time. I had nothing to give you honestly, except some childish words and imperfect verses. So I gifted you some moments. I stuffed pauses between lines with laughters we happily spent and filled the spaces between words with smiles we shared. I always had a void in my life for an elder sibling (being eldest sucks). And that void seemed to be filled by your presence. Did I ever tell you that even my younger sister calls you bhai?
I remember how you helped me once to learn writing prose. You inspired me each and every time. I remember how I used to send you my poems to check before posting them. I remember your reply "bol" on my text "bhai". I remember each and every time when you helped me to get rid of some hard situations. Can I ever thank you enough for all these things? No. Doesn't matter what happens today, I would always be grateful to you for whatever you did, for me in past. You were always a cool brother. The coolest I should say. You never got angry on me, not even for making jokes or memes on you. Not even on making edits of your pictures. Not even for spamming your posts. Like an ideal elder brother. You supported me everytime. Told me what is wrong and what is right.
Today after a year, on the same day, at the same time (writing at 3 of night), I'm writing for you again. But instead of smiles I've tears in my eyes and a weird pain in my throat. You know what bhai? I miss the night when I was writing first birthday post for you. When I was a naive sister and you were my super hero. We didn't talk since days now. Maybe we can't anymore, like the way we used to. I swear, it takes all of me to accept this thing. But I'd always thank universe for letting me meet a soul like you, and call you my bhai. You can't imagine how much it means to me. No, you can't. You just can't. No one can. Only my heart knows what you are to me.
I'm writing this post for the person my first dedication post was written for. And that's for my bhai. Not for the person I and we all saw few days back. Whoever was he, I don't wish to see him again. I hate myself for holding things way too hard and denying changes. I still hope that everything would be same, happy like before. I miss old days.
Pardon me for being so silly and stupid. I never wanted to hurt your feelings. I just don't want a blot to ruin everything, we both have cherished so far. I still love and respect bhai.
Rooh se behti huyi dhoon ya ishare de Kuch mere raaz tere raaz awara se
Kho gaye hum kahan Rangon sa ye jahan
Tedhe mede raaste hain Jaaduyi imaaratein hain Main bhi hoon tu bhi hai yahaan
Khoyi soyi sadkon pe Sitaron ke kandhon pe Hum naachte udte hain yahaan
So gayi hain ye saanse sabhi Adhoori si hai kahani meri
Phisal jaaye bhi toh darr na koi Ruk jaane ki zaroorat nahi
Kagaz ke parde hain Taale hain darwazo pe Paani mein doobe huwe Khwab alfazon ke
Kho gaye hum kahan Rangon sa ye jahan
Happiest birthday bhai. I know I ruined your b'day post this year. मला माफ करा भाई :")
You'll be always my favourite:) I love you with every single moment ❤️ I'll love you forever beyond that infinity. I'll never feel you that you are alone✨ I wish i could hug you right now tightly and I could say that you're my part❤️
You matter all the way & I feel tha I'm fulfilled after finding you. All i want to love you more and more... Irrespective of all things, I'll choose you only ✨❤️ Not because of " i need you" But because of "i love to love you with all my heart" and my heart chooses to love you only. Idk why, Idk the reason, Idk anything,
I just know that i love you really , And I'll love you without your permission even.
Thank you Love❤️ You are my favourite person with favourite vibe❤️
Roaming in the wild place with a set of wilder thoughts moulding in verses neat securing them in a cyber way.
Here's the_fox oofé the atmosphere, it all turned dark. Entered with a smile wrote a pile on a tile of your mind get a file save it right! Exists with a smirk leaves a note berserk. *thefoxisdead* says it. Breathe out, keep calm he's more than alive in his very own psalms.
It's summer with a thudding bummer saturation at its best sanity at its rest. he'd scratch the paper out scribble fire without a doubt.
It's an autumn of criticism. sheds a part that's holding back crushes it apart believing the heart?
Raining in and out to be honest, all around. Drenched in wittiness. would still sing aloud a sight meant to be witnessed.
Oh it's winter ah, leave the filters! Holding onto real form this is the time feeds the selve some warmth.
Spring might spring a matter of fling. A soul blooming flowers of smiles unknown to his own power.
Seasons meant to change, keeps the fur as thick and strange. Things would seem a lot deranged but commendable is the way he's always perfectly arranged.
When they gave me your name I was like “now a noob will write for a pro? *facepalms* Ooffox.” I suck at writing poems but here you get this dumb poem and a (it's the first thing that comes in my mind reading your username 乁(ツ)ㄏ)
Before you begin to write, understand- poetry is not about fancy words but rugged souls and raw feelings//
A poem begins with an awkward chuckle as restless hands shift the pen to and fro in their palms while eyes search for a reason in the darkness surrounding them; but once the ears adjust to the roars and throbs of the ocean waves and east winds, those eyes will rest upon a butterfly sitting by the field of peonies and the poem will settle on your skin naked and vulnerable with metaphors engraved within and a few veiled meanings hidden beneath the blues
A poem loses itself halfway down the page into a spiral, just like this one and when it'll be hard to spot it's purpose it will try to merge with the shades of someone else's art trying to disappear like a chameleon for cowardice lies in all of us so hold onto it and paint it with something of your own; a poem is not always clear skies, sometimes it is the myriad of colours in a sunset or all the greys in a storm but most of all, the poem is you
A poem never ends, it is simply left unheard but it is always there, waiting to be written again another evening when the hearts are in pain and art needs a rebirth without a death of it's own.
I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining why the hell I'm tired. All i know, right now, at this very moment, i feel tired. I don't know if it's my mind or body, which is tired. But i feel exhausted. As if someone has sucked, or been sucking my energy continuously, without my consent.
Corona hits again. As if it was gone earlier. Tolls reach up to this, and second peak is that. Cases are increasing, and death rates are changing. Mortality, morbidity, case fatality. What are the new symptoms, and signs? Is the new strain stronger? Home remedies, allopathy, homeopathy, ayurveda? Which works best for you? Rapid Antigen Test ( RAT ) or RTPCR which one is reliable? Are government officials revealing the true data? You know what, shut the duck up. I'm already tired. I don't wanna hear another of your ducking query. Go google. And feed your fears and insecurities.
You're a doctor, go save the world. You know what? I've a family. And i want to serve them first. You fear corona? So you stay at home. Can i? No. I have to work. And then come back to my home, taking all the infections and risk factors to my dearest ones. How to keep myself protected? Just to protect them? PPE kits? Right. Sweat runs down my body within 16 minutes. But my job doesn't end this quick. So how long am i expected to wear a plastic that chokes all my body pores? Where's the space to let my body breathe?
Sympathies? Oh please. Keep them to yourself. I need prayers. This virus isn't going anywhere soon. Pandemic is no joke. Was never. But our perspective lead on to this. And before all of us play the blame game to different religions and politicians, once and for all do what you can. I'm scared. Not because how fatal it is, since recovery rate is >98%, but because of the stigma it comes with. You'll be recovered. Soon. But it will lead to isolation. That might sound like a holiday trip, and you might like its feel, but it's not. Your near ones will have to be tested and once tagged positive, they'll suffer, mentally more than physically. Even the minutest headache would feel like end of the world. That much amount of fear is running in the community. I'm not saying, be fearless. Caution is always good. But take safety measures. Don't over exaggerate your fears. You'll be fine in 14-17 days.
This new strain is more about fever. And that too continuous fever, for 5 or so days. Occasionally cough and sore throat is also there. Don't think that it's weather change or may be malaria. Get yourself tested. But if you have always been someone who gets cold and cough at weather change, then don't get super anxious that it might be corona. Not everyone needs to be tested. Be logical. It's about immunity, since I'm sure all of us are exposed to the virus. Somehow. Keep the medicines in your reach, if things go wrong somehow.
Working as a medical intern, i feel overwhelmed, by the amount of workload as well as the fears and anxiety running in the community. A lot of my colleagues and friends have been reported positive and I'm surrounded by negative vibes, so thought to vent out. I hope they get well soon, and we all can be strong again. Those who are sick, and those who are safe, all need positivity and hopes. And a big shout out to those who are the care takers of corona sufferers. You're brave. You're risking yourself for your dear ones, god bless you! A little hope, and a strong positive mindset can help fight this better. Let's hope, this wave doesn't cause more damage. I'm already tired.
7 pm 6 missed calls 5 cups of cofee 4 th editing session 3 new ideas 2 ,well too tired to work. 1 % battery and oops I can't return any calls. After being stuck in traffic for another half an hour, I reach my apartment and unlock the door. The open window in my dusky living room is letting in a soft breeze though I remember shutting it and the cologne of fresh flowers watered with vanila is filling the air , I know it is... Him. I close my eyes to visualize a silhouette taking form of the most adorable thing and before I can realise I am pulled into darkness which feels safer and warmer than any sunshine will ever be. He grazes his fingers over my arms and then bends into the crook of my neck while I shiver under his cool breath. I place my head over his chest and let the music of his heart pumping love into his veins mesmerize me while he gently kisses my forehead and whispers 'It's been a long day, baby. Hasn't it?' Sedated by his deep voice and soothing kisses over my jawline, I just nod a yes and bury myself into his arms humming near his neck. He quickly unzips my dress and tosses his shirt on the floor carrying me into the bedroom in his arms. The room is lit with lavender scented candles and I can't help smiling at the efforts of spelling L O V E with roses. My boy has certainly outdone himself tonight. He catches me smiling at him , his cheeks flush red while he says, 'The night is yours, love'. He is being so adorable, so romantic, I just can't-.. I brush my lips past his 'Ofcourse it is.' The night is mine but I'm his. Every inch of my body is craving every inch of his. I curl my fingers around his hair and he brings his mouth to mine. I close my eyes and fill all my love into the kiss tugging harder at his hair while he holds me tight. Oh ,to lying beside him on a freshly laid bed, playing with his hair, while he leaves a trail of kisses from my jaw to the collar bone , towards my stomach through the valley of my breasts. This sensation is just exquisite and exquisite is this little boy, my boy who can make me forget the world. He often complains how busy I am with work, that a workaholic like me needs to relax a bit. Now, as I lie relaxed to the core after making love to him, I chuckle recalling his reply to my claim of him being a workaholic instead. 'You are my work, my love'. I kiss his cheek and wrap myself in him uttering 'I love you' while we drift off to sleep.