umbraa

How many times you need to suffer before you explode???

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  • umbraa 3w

    I think hard over my existence and weigh down my insecurities by "if and buts" . I have shrugged more than I have said yes in my life, confidence has been by lowest virtue . Saying no , had never grasped my thoughts. People say there are currently 7.9 billion human forms existing at the moment and out of which there are 7 human forms that are just similar to me. But are they? Have they intentionally given bruises to their knuckles or tried running down knife over flexor aspect of their forearm. Or have they dreamed to be a character in ninja world created by Masashi Kishimoto, where I have thought to be Shikamaru Nara who fantasies nothing much but watching clouds pass by.

    This year is coming to its end in next few hours, and while the world displays their yearly action by gatherings or by visual representation in applications build to bring world together , I am sitting in my room , with blower aimed at my cold legs and my mind attacked by my heavy thoughts . I start counting people who had taken step ahead or backwards in their life and decided to maintain a certain distance from my low vibrational frequency personality.

    I smile at the adequate information my brain had developed from the past traumatizing experiences with people and had made me immune to such situations. Damn the mind ! How it knows tricks to work for oneself to overcome any situations including the one which gravitates with thick guilt or unseen pain. Exposure , to be correct timely adequate multiple exposure , might be the key for the process.

    I am not bragging about me being next to perfect , but I remember incidents well with people whom I told and explained clearly about my dual personality going from a good listener when a physical appearance is certain and then going to the level dead when the physical appearance has been taken off. Staying in touch with phones and apps is not my cup of tea. It drains me totally . Not that I want people to be gone but it doesn't feels very motivating to reply someone, for I am a listener and not a speaker. I don't know does that make me a introvert or a self centered toxic personality .

    I have made peace with how people come to me in pain and how I respond magically by hearing them. In the end we both are left with nothing . The former with no stories and me with no idea of indulging in conversation. I have made peace with how people who once consider me a important person of their life detaches slowly to be with higher oscillating higher energetic atoms conjoined in other human form.

    As its the end of this long year , what can I wish for these people and what can I imagine for my next year. Tbh it's the most striking question that have made impact in part of my mind that's meant for reasoning . Let's just put it like this I don't have any grudges with anyone, including people who left me in this and prior years . I dont know if it's my forgiving nature or the desensitization technique that my brain had mastered for protecting my heart. But I feel okay with it. Although I have no idea about what to think and imagine for my future self . If I would had written this with my pencil I would have broken the the tip at the end thought. But here I am who's gonna put three full stops as a command to my brain for not thinking about next year as of now...


    "Happy New Year folks"

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    It's "Happy New Year" I guess...

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 12w

    Pain. Peace . Pain.

    I often wonder what last long? Is it pain or is it peace? I have cried when I was in pain. I have cried when I recieved unexpected happiness. I don't know which one I remember or cherish the most. Maybe I have something of both . I am but a complex of pieces joined by forces which are hard to explain . Molecules so mobile that can be reshaped by just mere words. Aggressive words make me shrink to size so small that I might engulf myself and be lost as fragments which goes un-noticed in space. And if you speak language of love to me , I will bloom into once in a decade flower of a rare tree that grows in unseen fantasy world of yours.


    (Couldn't write more)

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    What last long???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 24w

    It's so lonely these days

  • umbraa 24w

    @myrrhc
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    .
    .

    It's a little lonely out tonight. All those people who mattered to me as a friend or someone close to being a friend , they all had left . I know it's not their fault completely as I had always looked away when someone actually lended their hand to pull me up but all my life I had been a sort of introvert. I have faked my true nature all this long while being in a company.

    And slowly when people knew I had those vibes of a depressing kid who always attracts negativity, they parted their ways out . Maybe they were right to do so. Who would love to be with someone like me, someone who had spend half of its life figuring out why is everyone so weird and the rest half overthinking about what people said about me. I am a insecure bastard. I am a nerdy man. That's not how humans are supposed to be .

    My eyes have recently lined up with dark shades of sadness. I tell people how I watched all episodes of psych season 1 in a day to build up my sarcasm and how cool I feel at doing so. They believe me , and we end up discussing the funny scenes. But I really havent slept well in the past few weeks. My mind, it doesn't shuts the vibes that are not good for me unless I feed it something else to munch to.

    Tonight is a different story , I am penning this down, I know it's gonna be in vain pouring out my heart to the world. I know if anyone reads this they will suggest me to change my attitude or for just the sake of saying they will say , " I know how it feels, I am with you". But there is one thing for sure , no one's gonna connect to anything I write at the moment. This is mine and only mine moment to cherish.

    Maybe this is a but a midnight rant that I would forget about in the upcoming days. But idk this feel good right now.

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    Why am I so different???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 24w

    @myrrhc
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    I see right through her eyes , the unfaithful classic habit she had acquired in the past few years. For once I had neglected my gut feeling and trusted her to be right , but I know the consequences I went through later were hard to digest. I literally puked my life inside out while going through that massacare.

    Time has it's own work to do , move on . And faith just garnish the flavors according to the presdestined chapter. We were meant to have this capter of reunion. I wish now that this chapter had never existed or maybe reincarnation would had ideally taken place for us, just to make sure that past doesn't hamper my thought process and there is nothing to know from the beginning of chapter one.

    She touches my forehead and move my hair strands that lazily lie over small glittering sweat drops on the creases that had existed due to my routine frowning, slowly blowing air from her lips which turn into same form as one's lip turns to while pronouncing the alphabet 'O' or probably 'U'. And while her eyes meets mine I get chills down up to my spine ,which makes my heart shiver, I guess this is what dead cold means. I see right through her eyes, the unfaithful classic habit she had acquired in the past few years.

    Her touch doesn't feels the same anymore, she is forcing a lot of things , the intentional care is one of them. I look back in her eyes, smiling at the reboot of emotions she is having towards me and I reliving the masscare in those micro seconds.

    I touch bruises on her neck and and her shoulder, which I know are not the allergic scratches as she claims to be. Yet I smile knowing within my heart how much fool she thinks of me . Weeks ago I already had taken glimpse at her texts which says "GOOD NIGHT LOVE" to a person whose had flinged all his life, she knew the fact very well yet she addresses him as " MY LOVE", and he calls her as " HIS BITCH" . I have waited enough for her to tell me what's new going on with her. But today these bruises, they scratch my heart too, I oversees her phone and confirms my doubt, there it is the truth in which she takes pride about the night with the man in the text. Where she feels happy to have those bruises granted as token of love from him.

    As a child I had always misplaced my anger, quarreling with people who were no where to be the reason to had hurt me. This time I needed to make it right. I needed to speak for myself.

    I screamed my heart out without letting my eyes pour out the emotion. But she stood there without guilt , without shame, staring me with no obvious answers. All I could do was run away from her face at that moment and sleep on the bank of Ganga with no sense of time.

    In the end , yet again, things didn't worked well for me, but atleast it was me who walked away this time although I didn't expect this to happen so early.

    Am I hurt ? I don't know. But there is definitely some weird sensation going within my heart.

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    How many times you need to suffer before you explode???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 40w

    // I am necessity//

    I have put my love in my vessels so that whenever someone hurts me,
    I drain myself out to clench their thirst.
    And every drop they feed on makes them guilty
    Of their actions.
    I am a but a necessary bitter medicine
    That will make you sob ,
    On every occasion , whenever you will think of me.


    // I am mirage//

    I wear a long mufler painted red,
    With small white polka dots spreaded all over its length,
    My baggy trousers tipped upto my ankles,
    Where a inch gap of my skin meets up white shoes,
    And my rainbow coloured shirt , which says
    "Life is what you make of it", tucks perfectly in my pants.
    All my soul has turned black
    And somehow I wear colors that
    Doesn't manifest my inner self.


    // I am pain//

    I pick and then prick with words,
    My playlist have songs
    which one listens at night longing for their gone mates.
    I get the weird sense of satisfaction
    When one sheds tears,
    With a heavy heart within
    Aching with no obvious reasons,
    But just pure past memories.

    // I am love//

    I encircle my hands
    Around my shoulders ,
    And try to bring them in close proximity,
    My spine making the farthest centre line.
    I embrace my fears,
    I create my love.
    I woo myself.
    You desire to be what I am
    Yet your eyes tries to find the one who would appreciate you.
    And your lips curse me for being something that you can never be.


    // I am curse//

    I have multiple broken lines on my palm.
    When I was just 7 years old,
    astrologer told me about my ill fate and bad luck.
    And somehow of all the things he said ,
    This part had been etched deep in my mind.
    I can relate to it .
    I am the words you speak
    To spill your anger .
    I am the act you do ,
    When you want to soil others character.
    I am the bad omen you enchant to hunt down others.





    @myrrhc , @writersnetwork ,@mirakee

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    What am I ???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 41w

    I had been wondering a lot about my existence recently. I recently completed my internship and now somehow I am on ground zero again. So I tried penning my random thoughts down to calm up my mind.
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    @myrrhc (*_*)
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    .
    .

    Sometimes I just bang my head over my pillow, and hid my face smothering myself in the so called cotton content of the rectangular bar. It's hard for me to accept that I am a human, and that my existence has a signed in contract to be enslaved by my limitations.

    There are always few thought provoking ideas that are born after death of a certain feeling or birth of an unusual emotion. If you randomly gave a word to these feelings and these emotions while reading the former line who knows with whom you might be sharing the initials of the word.

    There is no denying that you (yes you) are a descendant of the same unknown being as I am. Thus we share something. If not anything then atleast the invisible ink of contract by which we signed our sealed fate makes up a fine string of bond between us.

    But are we here to talk about our relations or are we here to talk about our limitations. Restriction have always been a part of our life, and our actions had been limited to a certain circle where we can only fuel our thoughts enough to reach up to the boundary. Here crossing the boundary will not imply to the highest number of score , instead it will add up to the negative points .

    Let give this circle a name , " the shrine gate of life". I know , I know, it sounds a bit off track but giving it a value like a sacred object will make it something that's out of our thoughts and hence we will not try to cross it Rather we will make peace with our existence (where we are limited at certain things for being a part of human race) . The one who had crossed the shrine gate are no more considered as a humans. They are either cursed for doing so or are treated as demi gods.

    I , you, we. All of us, if were given a chance to extend the boundary of our limitations, we would had gladly extended it up till our comfort doesn't oozes out of it's zone. But limitations will always exist to balance out our thoughts to bring up sense of satisfaction in what we have in the present moment. So maybe the contract we signed was countered checked multiple times to bring out the act in life accordingly. No hurry and no worry . Maybe that's the concept of life. Idk. I just don't wanna feel bad about my existence.

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    Do you feel bad about your existence???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 45w

    Tried penning down a unusual thought that rose in my mind two days back. I can sense shift in my writing style though. But it is still fine by me..


    @myrrhc (* *)


    What makes you happy isn't same for others. I had always loved travelling alone, and that's something which isn't a cup of tea for many. This idea marks the beginning of chapter of maturity in my so called "book of thoughts".

    I had always been a thoughtful person . People often tell me that I am a overthinker. But that's what they think and one of the chapter of my book says , not to worry about what people had to say about you.

    I drive my car slow , with windows down, and I try to choose the road with the least traffic most likely at night or late eve. I play slow songs with depth in lyrics justifying the moment or the emotion I am going through.

    It took me years to realize that not every human born needs to achieve greater goals. Instead the ultimate and the only goal should be to achieve a state of completeness even when loneliness knocks your door every night. For its not the loneliness that makes one feel lonely.

    I love the idea of individuality, where my existence brings me peace , joy and happiness. I try to be wholesome by myself. And believe me when I say that, I wasn't born or brought up like this. It came with a habit of prioritizing myself before others. It came after I started taking my own decisions which although sometimes went wrong still brought a smile on my face for I can proudly claim that I learned through my own experiences and not forced situations.

    What I am is a statement made by my actions for me. And I am doing my best to make that statement sound good.

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    What is it that makes one feel complete???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 49w

    // I wish I could have conveyed more, and brought up a better conclusion. But I felt relieved penning it down//
    @myrrhc (* *)


    There is a big Jamun tree in middle of the wheat padded field near my house. Everyday at around 8 pm the moon comes in between the heart shaped top of the tree with small stars peeping in between the branches and leaves. Although moon stays out of its full phase most of the time, it still makes the scene look beautiful.

    When I was young my mother used to tell me that if I won't sleep on time at night, the demon that resides within the tree, would come and take me with him within the tree. And that I would grow along with him inside the trunk only to capture more kids like me. Fear had always resided within me since I was young. I have been unconsciously conditioned to fear.

    I want to be a demon for this cold hearted world. You know the one with long teeth, the vampires, they kinda look cool to me. I wonder do people change into vampires if they keep on hating this rude fucking world . Or is it that suicide cause a person to be transformed into vampires. I don't know but, is this the right path to seek freedom from this world? Or am I just overthinking too much to find a not so scientific solution from the book of my thoughts to minimize my pain.

    I hate this world so much that I can't even bear presence of certain people around me. But my fears are stronger than my hatred . For I fear the thought and idea of suicide too much. Last time when I tried using the knife that I stole from my hostel mess, to slice up my wrist , I became aware of the pain beforehand. My hand holding the knife was shivering, and my heart was pouncing at full pace. I felt as if time slowed down for me to make this moment a memorable one. My tears fell of my eyes, like water felling from a over -poured container. I remembered the incidents of betrayal , and image of people who did me bad just kept on laughing in my head. Anyways I closed my fingers ,made a firm fist, and looked up at the waterfall which was shining bright by the moonlight. As a coincidence it was a full moon that day, making me think of the Jamun tree, and the fears that resided within me at childhood. At that moment I knew childhood fears are nothing compared to the horrors the world provides us as we age. So with a smile, I sliced my wrist deep enough to calm my anxiety down.

    There is this thing about death, it comes when its destined to come, before that no one is allowed to quit the game of life in between, no matter how worse you suffer or how bad you try to die. Death hadn't favored me for multiple times. And pain had never touched the baseline till date. I am but a puppet of life, ruined and runned as per the wish of so called God, who had handed over the strings to people around me , making me act not so humanly anymore.

    Watching moon at a place far from home in the lonely hours of night still brings the story about the demon that my mother told me about. But it doesn't give me a chill in spine like it used to did when I was a kid. What makes me feel uncomfortable are faces , voice , presence , and even smell of certain individuals that are somehow around me in my life ,pulling my strings according to their wish as if I am destined to be disposed as per their wish. I hate it when I can't do anything about it. I hate being a human.

    Love will not change this world, but hatred and pain will do it for sure. And if demons can co - exist peacefully then what's bad in being one. I wish to be one soon.

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    Does suicide cause a person to be transformed into vampires???

    -Deependra Bhatt

  • umbraa 53w

    //Went through multiple post with #tetractys , so tried making one. Not my usual way of writing though. But what's the harm to try something new once in a while//



    Peace
    Doesn't cling
    To the sky
    With clouds ,of thoughts
    For it is meant to be dispersed, and not caged.

    Love
    Happens once
    In a life time,
    And memories stays long.
    This is enough to believe that few emotions are pure.

    Happiness
    Is art,
    Without any textbook,
    Where we have to learn,
    To look for sweetness in even the bitter moment of life.

    Hope
    Finds way
    Once we look
    Around in the world
    Which have so much to heal than to hurt us.

    Faith
    May sound
    Subjective to one.
    But it is somehow
    making one believe that everything gonna be all right eventually.

    Courage
    Builds itself
    Once you start
    Smiling at the idea
    About how minute is your trouble compared to rest world.

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    And
    If world
    Doesn't looks like
    A better place to exist
    Make sure to create a better you to be with.

    - Deependra Bhatt