udit94

youtu.be/jVZ1T7Z1L5A

Solution for Insomnia for some, escape from reality for others ⬆️����

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  • udit94 1w

    _________________�������� ��������_________________
    _____________(�������� �� �������������� ������)______________
    ___________________�������� ��____________________

    Sometimes I feel like humans aaj bhi cave men jaise hai..
    Sabhyata (yaani ki civilization) ka to namo nishan mit jaata hai jab you see them arguing or fighting in public.
    Take an example of simple road rage.
    You might have come across one in your daily life.
    Just go out on a random sunny day at 8 am in the morning and I'm sure koi na koi zarur mil jayega saying,

    "Abe andha hai kya...***** "

    (Some censored words which are not good for my audience)
    The stage is set, the performers have practiced all their life for this day.
    They were just looking for this opportunity.
    This stud, massive, hunky guy came out from a Tata Nano and took out his base Bat and said,
    "Kuchh kah rahe the aap janab"
    (See etiquettes.. must be from convent school)
    Now the other person has already seen hospital bed in his imagination and he's too late to take back his words as the adrenaline has already been pumped into his skinny body.
    Just going with the flow he punched as hard as he could.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    His tiny hands just massaged the massive guy's cheeks.
    The massive guy gave him a death stare that changed the hospital bed into death bed.
    He has already closed his eyes and read Hanuman Chalisa 4 times in his mind.
    (There's an unwritten rule during a road rage - the rest of the traffic has to do cheerleading.)
    They're like,
    "Big show
    Big show
    Big show"
    He could hear the silent cheers and hoots for him.
    So, he picked the skinny guy up in the air, perfect position for a choke slam and bam �� slammed him on his car.
    Rey Mysterio has already given up.
    Big show picked him up and threw him on the footpath.
    (To know how the fight actually looked like go to the link in the bio.. and to know how the skinny guy looked like after fight, skip to 6:30)

    When such incidents happen there's always some idiot who would take out his phone and starts recording a video.
    Such a moron he is.
    I am different see.
    He is filming
    I'm just narrating.
    Farak ye hai ki wo Harry potter Movie ka fan hai aur main Harry Potter Novel ka.

    Magar dekho mera funda clear hai.
    I am a guy who loves his life.
    Meri to caller tune bhi "Love you Zindagi hai".
    Upar se ghar ka iklauta ladka.
    Apun ko apni jaan pyari hai boss.
    And aisa nhi hai maine koshish nhi ki.
    I did the most difficult task which every other guy was doing - IMAGINATION.
    I imagined myself going in between the wrestle-mania and saying to both the guys who are already taller than me,
    "Bhaiya ladna achhi baat nhi hoti.."
    And just before I could complete my sentence, I envisioned myself sticking like a chewing gum under the massive guy's shoes.

    People love watching fights (especially in Delhi)
    No matter these are the people who also love watching Bigg Boss.
    But unlike Bigg Boss, here participants are not getting paid for fighting. ��
    Haan kharcha zarur ho raha hai for sure.
    So whenever I go out, I make sure I've tallied my list of essentials during a road rage.
    Popcorn �� check ✅
    Phone �� check ✅
    Diapers �� check ✅
    (Just in case things get a bit rough)

    I can't jump in the middle of the fight,
    Can't move as the traffic is stuck and every other guy would get an excuse to reach late in the office,
    Can't go back otherwise there would be two road rages happening simultaneously and the previous participants be like,
    "You stole my thunder"
    So, I do what I can do best
    .
    .
    .
    "Big show
    Big show
    Big show"

    ©udit94

    #ucomic #justaregularday #mirakee #writersnetwork

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  • udit94 10w

    आंदोलनकारी, कर्मचारी,
    प्रदर्शनकारियों की मैं favourite हूं।
    चलती CNG पर हूं बाकी
    थोड़ी सी मैं hypocrite हूं।

    प्रदूषण फैलाने को मना करती हूं
    पर धू-धू करके धुआं उगलती हूं।
    संसद के सभी बिलों से
    ना जाने मैं क्यों "जलती" हूं?

    आम दिनों में सवारी और lockdown में महामारी साथ लेकर मैं चलती हूं।
    इसी कारण से शायद मैं
    देश की जनता को खलती हूं।

    देश के सभी बड़े फैसलों का रुख
    हर बार मैं ही बदलती हूं।
    लोकतंत्र की फटी चादर को
    मैं ही हर बार सिलती हूं।

    गिरती हूं, पड़ती हूं,
    ज़ोर-ज़ोर से हिलती हूं।
    दंगल की ओमकार जैसी,
    हर विरोध में मैं ही पिलती हूं।

    Famous तो बहुत हूं मैं,
    आए दिन news में मिलती हूं।
    सरकारी कानों तक पहुंचने का ज़रिया हूं,
    जनता की असहमती लेकर चलती हूं।

    जनता की carrier और
    सरकार के barrier का काम करती हूं।
    मैं परिवहन की रानी DTC,
    ना जाने क्यों संसद के बिलों से जलती हूं।
    ना जाने क्यों संसद के बिलों से जलती हूं।

    ©udit94

    Coins these days are weirdly biased and now they come with multiple sides.
    One side of a coin is depicted here which is hardly seen by any person.
    Melancholic DTC buses are trying to show their grief with the help of a pinch of sarcasm and irony.

    P.S. - DTC buses be like,
    "मारो हमको मारो
    हमको ज़िंदा मत छोड़ो .....
    हम कोई मंदिर का घंटा है जो कोई भी आके बजा जाता है।"

    #hindi #irony #sarcasm

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  • udit94 11w

    _______�������������� ��������������________ ________________��������������________________
    ___________JUST A REGULAR DAY______________
    __________________(PART 8)_____________________

    Middle class family ke kayi kisse sune honge.
    But do you know ek middle class family ki sabse famous cheez kya hai.
    Taane.
    Haan mammi ke, papa ke, mausi ke, mama ke Taane.
    Taane ki frequency ye batati hai ki aap kitne middle class ho..
    Taane achhe bure ho ya na ho.
    Par epic zarur hote hai.

    "Hamara 149 ka recharge mat kar diyo Ambani ke damad, itne ki hame zarurat hi nhi hai.
    Chup chap 49 ka karde
    Hamme kaunsa Modiji ko call lagani hai..
    Paise udane ki zarurat nhi hai.."

    �������� ���������� ������ �������� �������������� ������������ -

    Recharge karaya chhota aur inki baaton ka quota hai bada.
    Ab is unlimited call ke zamane me bhi jab mammi papa miss call maarke hame ateet ki mithi yaadon se jode rakhne ka jo kaam karte hai uska varnan shabdon me nhi kiya jaa skta.
    Tab pujniya maata pita apne baccho ko indirectly taane dete hue kehte hai,
    ����‍�� : Arre kaaye ka recharge mausiji. Aaj kal ke bacche bas apna-apna recharge kar lete hai. Hamara to kya hi recharge karwayenge.
    ��

    ������ ������������ ���� ������������ -
    "Arre pagal hai kya naya phone mujhe de raha hai.
    Delhi ki bus me travel karna matlab sher ke muh me haath daalna.
    Apna purana phone hame dede.
    Mujhe kaunsa kisi ko dikhana hai."
    *Few moments later*
    �� : Video call ka option Chachaji‼️
    Ye aaj kal ke bacche khud to naya phone le lete hai aur maa baap ko purana thama dete hai."
    ��

    �������� �������� �������������� -

    Aur in sabke beech Daadi ji ka radio alag hi frequency pakad leta hai.
    Unhe chahe kuchh sunai de ya na de par pata nhi kudrat ki kaunsi aseem shaktiyon ke karan unhe ye sab baatein sunai deti hai,
    ��: Beta ek aisa phone to mere pass bhi hua karta tha.. Uspe tere dada se roz baat karti thi.. Par मरी baad aayi aur phone bhi le gyi..." ����

    �������� �������� �������������� ���� ������������ -

    ���� : Mammmiiiiiiii...
    Ye router ke antenna thakur ji ke kapde sukhane ke liye nhi hote.. ����

    ����‍�� : Achha beta faltu ka kharcha tum karo aur sunao bhi hame hi..
    Jab 2 antenna wala router tha to 4 antenna wale ki kya zarurat thi..

    ����: Mammi isme dual bandwidth hoti hai.. 2.4 Ghz aur 5 Ghz..
    (Interrupted)
    ����‍��: Bas bas..
    Hame gyan mat sikha..
    Ab 2 antenna faltu the to sukha diye kapde..
    Kuchh kaam to aaye...
    ��

    Jolly LLB 2 me wo jo Satish Sir kehte hai na 3.5 crore cases aaj bhi court me pending hai. Aapko pata hai wo pending kyu hai?
    Kyunki aadhe se zyada case Middle Class families ke hai.
    Unke cases sunke khud judge resignation dekar bhag jaate hai to main kis khet ki mooli hu...

    ���� : Papaaaaaaaa..
    Yaar kapde pure pehno.
    Ek to pata nhi sardi me nicker me kaise ghoom lete hai..
    Meri school friend aayegi..

    �� : Aise hi tere Dada ji bina shirt ke khade ho gye the....

    �� : Mammi aap thodi der shaant raho.. ��
    ����‍�� : �� Kab aayegi.. Ab use khilayega kaun... Tere Papa ke pass pehnne ko dusri baniyan tak nhi hai aur yahan Sudama ji ne Krishna ji ko invite kiya hai lunch pe..
    ���� : (murmuring) Krishna nhi Radha

    ©udit94

    Pic credit : To the rightful owner

    #ucomic #justaregularday #parivar #kisse #mirakee #funny #anecdotes

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  • udit94 15w

    "Oops my bad
    I'm melancholy
    And you?" she asked

    "I'm happiness! "

    *Loud music*
    "I'm leaving" she said.

    He gestured that he can't hear her.
    She gestured back to walk out.

    *After walking a mile or so, she broke the silence*

    "Thank god we walked out else I would have lost my hearing power..
    By the way,
    Any reason for leaving such a GREAT party?
    You came to help me reach my apartment?"

    "To accompany such a wonderful lady of course.
    I guess people don't help each other like I'm doing..
    Do they?
    I think
    They just do what pleases them the most..
    Do you think someone would do even a single thing to make anyone happy?"

    "Some people do care for others Mr. Happiness.
    Like I, for instance,
    I came two blocks ahead of my apartment and yet I am still walking with you "
    (And she smiled)

    "Hey you should have told me....
    And about the not helping others part, I mean to say everyone isn't the same."
    (he smiled nervously)

    "Are you sure about your name though?
    Happiness is it!!??
    I can't actually feel that." she teased him a little.

    "Haven't you noticed yourself for the past half an hour?
    Your smile!!
    Do you usually carry this smile around on your face.. "

    "Oooooo"

    "Ooooooooo(mocking her)... Happiness (pointing towards himself)
    What's so melancholic about you anyway? You're such a cheerful lady to be with.."

    "Have YOU noticed yourself? You've been sulking around me like a 3 year old girl.."

    "oooooo"

    "Exactly, oooooooooooo.
    Enlightenment..
    Isn't it?
    By the way, a totally unrelated question - how many of those smiles you keep for yourself?

    *Silence*

    Life is not a giveaway meal
    *He tries to avoid eye contact*
    And tell me why would a guy like you came to a bar?"

    "What do you mean a guy like me?"

    "Do I need to explain it to you Mr. Orange juice?!"

    "Ahh! I smell sarcasm....
    Ok
    I was going to a club at first then Ed Sheeran stopped me and said
    Club isn't the best place to find love
    So the bar is where I go.

    "Oh god, do it again and you'll walk home alone..."

    "Oooooo" he suddenly exclaimed.

    "Now what?" She asked.

    "Now I understand why you we came two blocks ahead..
    Maybe you don't want me to know where your apartment is that's why we came two blocks ahead.."


    "Where did this come from??
    Ok
    I'm not gonna argue with this logic.
    Yeah..
    yeah that's what it is..
    Who can argue with that..!!
    Ok, so I'm going..
    Don't look back ok!?
    I will walk myself to my apartment..."

    "Ok, bye have a good night.. hope to meet you soon.."

    "God! Are you insane..?? (furiously)
    Did you just leave a drunk girl in the middle of the road and told her to walk home on her own??
    You've got some serious problem.
    Go see a psychiatrist..

    *A pause*
    after dropping me off at home.."
    (Both of them smiled)

    "So it's settled, I'm dropping you off at home."

    "No, my lawyer will come to you and ask you legally to drop me..."

    ( :
    " .."

    " ...)

  • udit94 19w

    There comes a time in life when you can't think of any solution to the problems life has been throwing upon you.
    You can't stand against all odds no matter how much you try.
    The time when grief encircles you from all directions and you don't know the escape route.
    For me, I faced this time recently.
    I've tried enough but even penning down my thoughts was difficult.
    The past few month was just like a roller coaster ride but this coaster was just going down.
    This phase came in my life when a pados wala baccha called me UNCLE. ����‍��

    You do realize how devastating this is.
    I mean UNCLE.
    How can someone with real eyes call this nanhi si jaan UNCLE.
    It hit me so hard that I went into hibernation.
    Do I look that old?
    Come on.
    Matlab ekdum se waqt badal diya, Jazbaat badal diye, zindagi badal di yaar.
    This was the time when God be like,
    "Ye aapke saath prank hua hai...
    Wahan upar dekhiye upar..
    Hamara camera laga hua hai..(pointing towards Naaradh ji)...
    Aap bhi ageing process ka shikaar hue hai.."

    I cannot sleep at nights.
    Whenever I close my eyes, that kid's voice echoes in my skull saying,
    UNCLE... Uncle... uncle....
    Words travel farther in winters.
    And if words are harsh enough, they just penetrate deep into your soul.
    And now when any kid calls any UNCLE as Uncle, I can't help but shiver in fear.

    You know what,
    Imagination is like seedhi of 21 in Snakes and ladders that takes you to cloud nine in random roll of a die in flick of a second but reality bites you like the Snake of 99 which pulls you down and tells you ki
    "Beta ab tere jawani ke din gaye.."

    This is the time when I realized that life is not like DEAR ZINDAGI where Alia Bhatt says,
    "Love you Zindagi, Love me Zindagi" and life starts loving you back just like that.
    But life is actually like what Rajesh Khanna tried to explain,
    "Zindagi ke safar me guzar jaate hai jo makaam,
    Wo fir nhi aate..
    Wo fir nhi aate..."
    And then Amir Khan added fuel to the fire ��,
    "Zindagi maut na ban jaye..
    Sambhalo yaaro..."
    [One thing is for sure,
    Koi ise uncle kahe na kahe
    Par iske song references sacchai bayaan kar rahe hai...]
    {Yaar ye itna dramebaaz hai..
    Uncle hi to bola hai...}
    (Kuchh kuchh hota hai bracket ke logo,
    Tum nhi samjhoge..)

    Now my mom teases me by saying,
    "Uncle ji ko pranam"
    And my sister contributes to the leg pulling ceremony by adding the background sounds,
    "Deggi Deggi Deggi Deggi
    Deggi Mirch..
    MDH ki Deggi mirch..����
    *Deggi Mirch ka tadka..
    Ang-ang phadka.."

    P.S. - If at the starting of this post, you were thinking it as some serious post then,
    "Ye aapke saath prank hua hai..
    Udhar dekhiye camera.."
    (Pointing towards your front camera)...
    And Gerascophobia actually arises from fear of being left alone in your old age and I don't think that's gonna happen so I'm gonna give this a fancy name - The UNCLOphobia ����‍��

    ©udit94
    #anecdotes #ucomic #unclophobia

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  • udit94 32w

    "You're blushing"

    "No I'm not" and I smiled and blushed even more.

    "See now you're even more red" ��

    _______________CASTLES IN THE AIR_____________
    _________________(Khayali pulao)________________

    What kinda guy were you in college?
    Massive hunky guy having a decent sports bike whose backseat is so high ki aap uspe se kood ke marr bhi skte ho.
    This bike is made for couples only I guess.
    Ever seen a guy sitting on that THRONE?
    Obviously he won't bend and lean on the other guy who's driving.
    He sits straight and I'm telling you it doesn't look nice at all.
    Because I once sat on such bike and I had to sit being so कुबड़ा that in the next Ramayana I would get the role of Manthra for sure.
    For 3 days I was just like that guy,
    "Aur ab main aasmaam ki uchhaiyon me"

    Or

    were you a guy like me.
    Believe me there's no in between.
    Either you get noticed or you don't.

    I was, of course, the latter.
    And she, She's like the centre of attraction for everyone.

    I analyzed the bunch of guys she used to hang out with.
    Noticed a few things which were the reasons why no girl used to notice me in college days - Second is my clothes ❗
    (Well of course first is me myself...
    Girls do faint looking at me but for a totally different reason).
    I noticed all the guys she used to hang out with.
    ✴️ Almost all of them had branded clothes.
    While what I used to wear in college was a pair of jeans for almost 2 years and used to change T-shirts which mom used to buy from that vendor who comes outside home yelling "150 ki 2, 150 ki 2, 150 ki 2".

    ✴️They must go to some barber shop...
    Oops! Pardon me, they must go to some SALON which I couldn't even afford then.
    And
    I went to ghar ke pass wali 'Nai ki dukaan' taaki agar 1 inch bhi baal bade dikhe to mom would grab my hand and storm into the same 'Nai ki dukaan' , grab my hairs and shout at him,
    "Ye kya baal kaate hai..
    Abhi bhi haath me aa rhe hai".
    (Mom's measuring unit for hairs is - If hairs can't be held in hand then only it's a proper haircut and good value for money too).
    To cover it up I would try to save Nai Uncle,
    "Mammi maine hi kaha tha aise kaatne ko"
    Mom would reply in her sarcastic tone,
    "Oooo hoo hoo hohooo,
    Itna bada ho gya tu?
    Ab aap hairstylist ban hi gye hain to
    Is Golu ke liye bhi hairstyle bata dijiye."
    (Pointing towards Golu who has just come for his haircut)
    Golu being excited , "Haan bhaiya batao na batao na"
    Mom, "Baith ja chup chap..
    Warna ganja karke bhijwaungi"
    *The scissors stopped suddenly.
    Sound of crickets and twinkling of eyes in the background*
    Golu didn't utter a word �� because he knew long before Bollywood and Tollywood made Rowdy Rathore, My mother was the first Rowdy in our locality.

    ✴️They were gym freaks because such a muscular ripped body is only built in gyms.
    While I,
    I am a biotic fossil (if I may) among the other living creatures who happens to have all biological systems in working condition.

    It's about the day when
    All days were like normal college days and I was still inconspicuous and being ignored by many people even after appearing every now and then on stage for reciting poems.
    But then one day in our computer class destiny planned something different.
    The computer class was unusual that day.
    Ma'am wrote a question on board and asked us to type a formula for the solution in mathematica (a mathematical software)
    I wasn't that bad but maybe I was getting too distracted or what but I couldn't even type the formula correctly to get the solution.
    I said, "The result isn't showing.
    Could you please take a look at it?"
    Ma'am was being lazy to stand up from her seat and come to my desk and explain.
    So, she told HER to solve my problem.
    She came to my desk to see what's the problem, pushed me a little left and leaned into my laptop and started messing with the parenthesis and semi colon and there I was sitting numb.
    I'm crazy I don't know why but I smelled her hair and it smells like something which I have never smelled before.
    And when she was done she suddenly pointed out,
    "You are blushing!!"
    And I was startled saying,
    "What!!! ��
    Me????
    Nooooo!"

    (Ab I can't tell her na that in my brain I'm already in the zone ki
    Agar Ladka hua to Harman
    Aur ladki hui to Hartika)

    *I know I'm pathetic but I'm actually like Uday Chopra of Dhoom*

    "Oh god you're blushing even more..
    You're a creep"

    And she left me hanging there wondering if there was a spark or something.
    Years later, I realized when Ed Sheeran exclaimed to the world
    "HOW PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
    MAYBE JUST THE TOUCH OF A HAND" ,
    he was actually talking about me. ��

    There's a law of blushing if you too have observed that -
    ������ �������� ���� ���������������� ������������������ ���������������������������� �������� �������������� ������������ ���� ������.
    �������� �������� ���� ���������������������� �������� ������ ������������ ������ �������������� ������ ���� ���������������� ��������������/�������������� ������ ������������ ������������ �������� ����������������..

    ©udit94

    #ucomic #sundaytales #blush

    P.C. - To the rightful owner

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  • udit94 33w

    Posting just because I couldn't complete some stories

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    I met her in a bar for the first time.
    The bartender was juggling around with all his cups and wine.
    I took a seat just at a perfect place and a safe distance from the bartender because that night I wasn't planning on getting a dent on my skull.
    Enjoying my Orange Juice and acting like I'm high and saying hello to all strangers because I thought that's what drunk people do.
    And there I saw her sitting in the corner,
    Eyes half-open as if she's gonna doze off any second.
    Surrounded by many other guys and girls as they found something attractive about her.
    I am not a type of guy who knows about getting along with some stranger so easily while she seems to blend in with everyone who is around.
    Or maybe it's just the alcohol.
    Orange Juice doesn't have that power.
    So, my friend called me to join (I wish he wouldn't have) and I can't embarrass him in front of everyone by mouthing "I'm good here" and after all eyes are already staring at me.

    He introduced me to her and she was the first who gave her hand for a handshake.
    I was shy at first but suddenly I forgot who I was when she shook my hand.
    There was a weird aura around her which wasn't visible from my spot.
    I don't know why but after that handshake it was like only the two of us are in the bar and suddenly the lights were getting dimmer.
    And
    That's when she whispered in my ear as the music was loud,
    "I guess you're lost."

    "Sorry I didn't get you?"

    "Why would you!?" She smirked,
    "What's with this orange juice?
    Are your oestrogen levels kicking in right?"

    I chuckled and said,
    "You have got a great sense of humour"

    "Well that's what they say
    Hey! Hey! Hey!
    Shift to your right asap?"

    "What happened??" I turned my head to see who she is looking at and turned back again.

    "Just stay right there..." she insisted

    "You do realize my MASSIVE BODY can't cover the whole of you from that guy." I tried some sarcasm.

    "Just tilt to a little right so that he can't see my face". She was furious this time.

    "Who is he btw?" I enquired.

    "What would you do to know about a stranger's personal life?"

    "Ohh I'm sorr...."

    "Oh come on,
    What are you??
    An apology machine..
    He's my ex.."

    "Ooohhh I see"

    "There's nothing 'OHHH' about him"

    "Ok!! He's leaving now...
    When are you planning to introduce yourself to me then?!"

    "Oops..
    My bad!
    I am melancholy..
    And you?

    "I'm happiness!! "

    © udit94

    (Maybe it'll continue or maybe not)

  • udit94 33w

    Brain : Chalo jaldi jaldi saaf safai karo.
    Bahar gaon se guests aane wale hai.
    Sab kachra saaf kardo.
    Ye tukde kaise pade hai hatao is kachre ko beech me se.

    *Heart shouted in anger*

    Heart : KACHRA NHI HAI YE❗Koi ise kachra nhi kahega.

    Brain : Kya yaar tu har baar purani chizon ko leke baith jaata hai. Aur ye waise bhi tukde tukde ho gya hai. Rakh ke kya karega. Maana kar yaar.

    Heart : Mujhe is baare me koi baat nhi karni. Ye mere pass hi rahenge. Kisi ne haath lagaya to mujh se bura koi nhi hoga.

    Brain to kidney : Yaar ye ise fekne to dega nhi. Abhi senti hai.
    Kidney : To kya kare sir?

    Brain : Aisa kar... Ise store room me rakhwa de. Iske pass bhi rahega aur naye mehman ke liye saaf safai bhi ho jayegi.
    Yaar ye smjhta to nhi na.
    Isi guest house me jab naye logo ko rehna hai to safai dekh kar to koi aayega. Kachre me kaun pada rehna chahta hai.

    Kidney : Baat to sahi hai. Main saaf karwata hu Sir. Aap bas pet se kah do ki khane ki ghanti sahi time pe bajaye aur kuchh ulta seedha na khaye. Baad me mujhe aur intestine ko jhelna padta hai sab.

    Brain to Stomach : Sun liya? Thik time pe ghanti nhi bajayega to agle din se khana aur late milega. Soch le...
    Tera hi nuksaan hai.

    Stomach : Sir, koshish to karta hu ki breakfast, lunch aur dinner ka time fix rakh du par Sir mere akele ke haath me to sab kuchh nhi hai na.

    Brain(confused) : Matlab?

    Stomach : Sir aap to khud smjhdaar hai. Agar insaan sahi time pe soyega nhi aur raat bhar kuchh kuchh sochta rahega to ghanti kaise bajegi.

    (Brain remained silent on realising his mistake but he wickedly found a scapegoat)

    Brain to eyes : Oye sun! Ab ye naye mehmaan ke aage kichad mat kar diyo ghar ke saamne. Sabse pehle naya mehmaan wahi area dekhenge. Jab dekho din-raat paani bahata rehta hai! Aur jab zarurat padti hai tab paani milta nhi is ghar me.

    *Eyes looked down with shame*

    Brain to Lungs : Saare khidki darwaze khulwa do.
    Ventilation achhi rehni chahiye.
    Oxygen ki kami mehsoos nhi honi chahiye.

    Lungs : Ji Sahab!! Aap chinta mat karo. Oxygen ki kami mehsoos tak nhi hone dunga. Bas sir ye ham dono judwa bhaiyo ke beech me ye jo main hall hai na, ye saari show kharab kar deta hai. Kuchh karo sir iska.

    Brain : Bol to diya hai saaf safai ke liye. Sarkari kaam ki tarah isme bhi lagta hai der lagegi. Tab tak ham baaki kaam nipta lete hai na.

    *Brain to itself*

    Brain : Ab bachi ek ye bahar ki deewar. Pehle hi kaha tha zyada paani padega to deewar, aangan, chhat sab ganda lagega. Aisa karte hai ispe naya paint karwa dete hai.
    First impression is the last impression.

    *Brain doing the final check*

    Move "Kachra" to the store room ✔️
    Maintain sleep cycle (that's on me so...) ✔️
    Proper Ventilation ✔️
    Hygienic conditions ✔️
    Proper sanitation ✔️
    *Heart added the last few points*
    Stop overthinking....
    (Brain said nothing)
    Delete old memories...
    (Awkward silence)

    *Heart asked a last question*

    Why do we need a new guest anyway?
    ©udit94

  • udit94 34w

    ______________OUR FIRST LED TV________________


    Pitaji ka keypad wala phone jisko koi puchhta tak nhi tha aaj sab uske bajne ka intezaar kar rhe the..
    Maano muddato baad koi bachpan ke bichhde yaar ka kar raha ho.
    Ghar me 4 aur mobile hone ke baad bhi na jaane kyu aur kisne Pitaji ka mobile register karwa diya.
    Aur wo bhi wo jo is keypad wale phone me tha.
    Samsung ke engineer sahab ko aane me 3 din lage.
    Bahattar ghante.
    Aap shayad is dard ko smjh na payen par 3 din se pade TV ko dekh ke ruka bhi nhi jaa rha tha kyunki ham sab TV dekh to rahe the par dekh nhi paa rhe the.
    Ek do dafa mann to kiya ki khud hi pechkas aur plass lekar kaam par lag jayun par fir ye zaalim guarantee warranty ki deewar beech me aa gyi.

    3 din baad engineer sahab ka aise swagat hua jaise sasural me damad ji ka hota hai.
    Daadiji ne to jaise dekhte hi bta diya ki ye inke gaon ka ladka hai.
    Unke hisaab se jo bhi achha kaam karta hai wo unke hi gaon ka hota hai.
    Hamara cylinder wala,
    'Shani dev' chilla kar gate par nimbu mirchi bandhane wala
    Aur
    Saare policewale
    Sab daadiji ke gaon ke hi hain.

    Papa mammi to jaise usi ko apna baccha smjh baithe the.
    Chai aur biscuit to aise tray me laga ke laaye jaise MasterChef me presentation ke marks milne wale ho.
    Par mammi papa apne god liye bacche se tab naraaz hue jab engineer sahab ne khane se saaf inkaar kar diya.
    Covid-19 ke chalte engineer sahab ke haath bandhe the warna GOOD DAY biscuit ko kaun mana karta hai.

    Bina samay barbaad kiye engineer sahab ne apni bike ki chaabi kisi khanjar ki tarah pakdi aur LED ke masoom se carton pe lagi tape ka katal kar dala.
    Papa mammi apne dimag me adoption paper sign kar hi chuke the ki jaise hi dekha ki unka naya baccha unke aankhon ke taare ko kis tarah handle kar rha hai,
    Papa gusse me chillaye,
    "Arre bhai araam se..
    Kaise kaam karte ho"
    (Dono ne kaalpnik adoption paper me aag laga di thi ��)
    Engineer sahab ko koi farak nhi padta.
    Unka to ye din k installation ka छठा TV tha.
    Drill machine se unhone hamari ultratech cement se bani mazboot deewaron me pehle do surakh kiye.
    Us din sach me lag raha tha ki deewaron ke sach me kaan hote hai.
    Fir jab thik unke niche 2 surakh aur kiye to laga ki in deewaron ke kaano ko piercing ka shauk bhi hai.
    Apne saath laye bracket ko deewar me badi nipunta se lagaya.
    Nipunta se mera mtlb hai
    4 baar hathode se thok baja ke.
    Itna maara k bracket ka akaar hi badal diya.
    Lagta hai Engineer sahab Sunny paaji ke bahut bade fan hai
    Wo lohe ko pighala to nahi paye par haan uska akaar zarur badal diya tha.
    Ham sab ki shakal dekh ke engineer sahab ne abki baar hamare aankh ke taare ko araam se uske aasman par sajaya.
    Jab unka kaam ho gya to fatafat apna saara samaan bag me aise daala jaise bachpan me late hone par main apni kitabe bag me bharta tha.
    Kisi bhi naye kharche ko dekh ke, Pitaji ki dil ki dhadkane Dhak Dhak girl Madhuri Ji jaisi ho jaati hai.
    Jaati laxmi unhe zara nhi suhati.
    TV aane ki khushi se zyada khushi pitaji ko is baat ki thi koi installation charges maange bina engineer sahab chale gye.
    Pitaji ne wo black money apni pocket money smjh ke apne pass rakh liye.

    Pritam da ke gaane ko ham sab asliyat me jee rhe the...
    "Berang si thi badi zindagi
    Kuchh rang to bharo".
    Purane TV pe kayi baar chumbakiye totke karne ke baad bhi usne apne rang nhi badle.
    TV par maano by default hi blue light filter lag gya ho.
    Bas farak itna tha ki usme blue light, red light, yellow light har type ka filter laga hua tha.
    Ginti ke sirf 3 rang dikhayi dete the.
    3 saal baad aaj duniya rangeen hui.
    Bhaiya (cousin) ne hamari guhar suni
    Aur unhone ye TV hame bhent kar diya..
    Par ek shart par.
    Ki Daadiji ko Aastha channel dikhaye.
    To ab Aastha channel ko chhod kar
    Baaki sab channel isme chalte hai.


    Papa ke one liner Chandler ke one liner se kam nhi hote.
    Jaise hi TV ki specifications padhi to mere aur chhoti behen ke muh se ek hi baat nikli,
    "Ye TV smart nhi hai"
    Papa : To tum kaunsa smart ho...
    Ham sab chuppi saadh kar baith gye


    Purane TV ka wahi haal hua
    Jo Toy Story me Woody ka,
    Buzz Light year ke aane par.
    Bechare se ek baar puchha bhi nhi gaya ki set-up box ka taar nikale ya nhi.
    Naye TV ke installation hote hi
    Usko set-up box ke taaro se saja diya gaya.

    Ab TV dekhne me krantikari badlaav aaye.
    Subah 6 bje se 9 bje tak Papa aur Ramdev baba Ji ki meeting chalti hai.
    Uske baad chhoti behen ko jhaadu marne me MAZA nhi aata isliye is naye TV par full volume me gaana chala deti hai.
    Jisko sunke pitaji ka BP high ho jata hai
    Aur unke volume kam karne aur chhoti ke volume badhane ke silsile me main aur Daadiji apne number ka intezaar karte hai.
    Raat ko 8 se 11 maataji theatre book kar leti hai.
    Us time to koi ads me bhi channel nhi badalta.
    Din ke mujhe milte hai sirf 50 min.
    Aur wo 50 min mujhse koi nhi cheen skta...
    Kaash main aisa kah skta.
    Par na hi main Shah Rukh Khan aur na hamari life Chak de India.
    (Chak de remote zarur ho skti hai)
    Pen drive laga kar HD me
    Cosmos : A Space Time Odyssey dekhne ka maza hi kuchh aur hai.
    Par ghar wale alag hi prasaran chalu rakhte hai.
    "Ye to English me bolta rehta hai"
    "Iske subtitles on to kar kya bol rha hai"
    "Ab niche subtitle dekhe ya jo TV me dikh rha hai wo dekhe"
    50 min ka show 1½ ghante me dekhne ka hunar jo mujhme aaya hai, wo aap sab nhi smjh skte.

    Itni mehnat karne ke baad kuch samay ka vishram bhi zaruri hai.
    Nhi main apni nhi abhi bhi TV ki hi baat kar rha hu.
    Hamare Mahishmati me, Daddiji ka order Rajmata Shivgami devi ke vachan se kam nhi smjha jaata.
    To TV ke 3 ghante vishram ke bhi tay kiye jaa chuke the.
    Aur main
    Jis hisaab se ghar me sabse kam baal hai, mera role Kattappa jaisa ho gya hai.
    Bas Rajdharm aur anumanti ka paalan karna.
    Ek sabse achha aur asambhav karya jo naye TV ne kiya wo ye tha ki - Saas aur bahu ek hi kamre me baithkar, ek hi TV par, ek hi show dekh rhe the aur dono khush the.
    TV ke karyakramo ne ghar ke karyakram pe thoda viraam lagaya.
    Aur yahan main bhi ek viraam lagana chahunga par ek vichar ke saath -
    Maataji ke TV ke samay me remote ko haath lagane par Maataji Danny ban jati hai.
    (Jisko samajh nhi aaya wo bio me link pe click kare).

    ©udit94

    #ucomic

    Writing style inspired by "Dilli Darbar"
    A book by Satya Vyas

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    OUR FIRST LED TV

    ©udit94

  • udit94 34w

    New Delhi, India
    August 4, 2020
    Time : 6:45 pm

    M : There is no other agent who can complete this mission and come back safely.
    Agent P couldn't succeed in her operation the last time.
    I think we gotta call Agent U again.

    (M sends a signal which can only be detected by Agent U on a special frequency)

    M (loudly) : Subah se kaam kiye jaa rhi hu.
    Kisi ke andar daya bhavna hai ya nhi.

    Agent U enters : Kya hua mammi? Bottles bharni hai na. Main bhar dunga.

    Sunday Tales - 3

    Do you ever feel like your family is conspiring against you?
    Everyday?
    Yeah then you must know my pain....
    It's like they sit together quietly in one place while I am busy in some other work and as soon as they realize one task has come to an end they start quarreling on something which makes no sense.
    An unsolved dispute which started even before you were born and today suddenly it pops up like an unnecessary notification.
    And you know what triggered it -
    The emptiness of the bottles!!!
    It's like they realized the emptiness of the empty bottles which have been standing empty for many empty hours and they themselves didn't want to lift the weight of water.
    But mom and dad,
    They can't
    And to solve the dispute I've to jump in between and agreeing on doing the task.

    Electrician ✔️
    Plumber ✔️
    Mobile repairing ✔️
    Tanki Cleaner ✔️
    Labourer ✔️
    Baby sitter ✔️
    Paytm to Cash converter(or vice versa) ✔️

    And this list can still go on but that wouldn't suffice the tasks still undone by me and my family would find its ways to keep me busy.
    Sometimes it's like mom and dad are playing chess and talking with each other through telepathy like that you see in movies,
    "Senapati aapka pyada abhi tanki saaf karke aaya hai.. Aap apni chaal chaliye.."
    And then senpati replies,
    "Rani sahiba ab bas Cylinder uthwana baaki rah gya"
    (Then they both look at me simultaneously and denying in their heads
    "ISSE NA HO PAYEGA")

    From playing with Doctor Set and kitchen set to screwing back live and neutral wires in switch boards,
    From collecting
    B, A, C, H, P, A, N
    Coupons in childhood to collecting Paytm coupons now,
    From being the shortest guy in my class to being the shortest guy in my class,
    (Few things never change... And......
    You know happiness always comes in small packets ��)
    From stuffing biscuits in my mouth when guest just steps out of our home to serving food to all the guests, I grew up (Or did I ? ��)

    Ab Socho
    Itna kaam karwate hai ki beech me to mann kiya ki Sonu Sood ji ko ek tweet kar du ki,
    "Sir mujhe Himalaya parvat pe drop kardo please...
    Main wahin ka rehne wala hu..
    Ye log mujhe wahan se kidnap karke yahan laaye hai..."
    Fir socha khair chhodo, koi bharosa nhi.. Kabhi sach me chhod aaye to mere pass wahan rehne ke liye 2 jodi underwear ke alawa aur kuchh hai bhi nhi.
    (Tanuja - Wahan waise bhi kapdo ki zarurat nhi)
    So, I have done almost every kind of domestic task at least once..
    Every task except one -
    C
    O
    O
    K
    I
    N
    G
    There I receive votes of sympathy only.
    I just know how to cook for one person and that would of course be me.
    If I would cook for more than one person then a person who would definitely leave for Himalaya parvat be none other than
    - CHEF SANJEEV KAPOOR


    New Delhi, India
    August 16, 2020
    8:00

    M(loudly) : Meri to koi value hi nhi hai ghar me.....❗
    Agent U(shrieking) : Aaya...........
    (Aaya hi ban gya hu )

    P.S. -
    ["Hey Google" search CV templates for Male nanny]

    ©udit94

    #ucomic #careerswitch #sundaytales

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