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  • toobakhan 43w

    cought myself wishing this,

    'aghhhh, if only I could pull my heart out of my chest through my mouth, I'll caress it and kiss it, bring it close to my mouth and whisper;
    ''we'll be fine, i'm here''

    -tooba ;)

  • toobakhan 44w

    i'm loosing my sanity, perhaps I need help.
    Or a lover? Or a poem about my hands?
    Is it because it's almost evening and my body haven't tasted a single drop of tea?
    Is it because of that?
    I'm loosing it.

    On my forehead dances 327 ants, and they sting me with love, it feels like that. In my stomach, there's this beluga whale which howls, when I close my eyes I see myself running from school, with two other people I can barely hold a conversation with, I see a skeleton which still have meat attached to it, someone whispered to me, 'he'll rub your back, you'll be fine''. I'm making a birthday card for my cousin, in her presence. And in another moment I ran. I kept running, and running. Sometimes to catch a bus, many a times from people. I ran.

    And when I open my eyes, I cry. Why do I feel so much? My body is aching, it's not physical pain; mind you. I want to put my brain outside my skull for a moment....


    Let me video record myself lying on the bed while the sun rays falls ony face.
    I've written.
    I think I need a lover.
    Or a cup of tea. I'm running insane. Help me. I need help.


  • toobakhan 44w

    It's 2:25, everybody is asleep, it's quiet outside, not even the trees hustling.
    And I just ended watching videos on how to draw hands, and I reminded myself about the charcoal pencils that lay somewhere in my shelf, and for the paper I'll be making my own, my own handmade sheets to draw hands on. And i'm imagining myself drawing hands and making poetry simultaneously in my head, and of course imagining my beloved writing paragraphs about my hands.


  • toobakhan 46w

    See darling, you're already being guided by a wonderful woman, a woman who's loved by a lot, liked by a few. Well, if you see it my way, she's trying her best. She's trying to protect us, and I know that how much she tries to keep negative thoughts at bay but the thought that someone, someday might point out at any of us with the intention of harming us scares her, this is what scares her the most.

    On days she might sit next to you and you may find her caressing your head, or she's waving her fingers thought your hair. That's how she loves. And the very next moment you'll find her scolding you for unfolded sheets or unpolished shoes lying in one corner with socks falling out; unwashed. That's how she cares.

    Although it might sound something like, 'ekdum se waqt badal gaya, jazbaat badal gaye', but; this is how parents love. Mummy kehti hai na?? "Jis din baap banega, us din samjh aaegi, accha??"

    And there are a few things I want you to remember, the list is quite long, but I want you to know, we love you.

    Read More

    Things I'll text my 16 year old brother today.

    Number one is most important, never hurt anyone. Never.
    Irrespective of the gender, and if you stick to this rule your conscience will guide you.
    Make sure your intentions are always righteous.

    Number two; always remain clean, smell nice, wear fresh clothes daily, not in order to look good, but to feel good.

    Number three, always keep your surroundings clean. Make your bed before you leave the house, so even if you come back after having a terrible day, you can feel good about your bed.

    Number four, eat with your family. A family that eats together stays together. Come home on time, and be grateful for what's being served.

    Number five, work on your anger issues. Anger eats intelligence. Be aware of what makes you angry, and think why you react to it, is it necessary? And importantly, HOW you react to it.

    Number six, and my favourite. Have conversations with yourself, talk to yourself with love. Nobody knows you better than you do.
    (Ammi knows you too ;) )

    Number seven, extremely important. You need to have a good circle of friends, and I believe you know this, you know this very well.

    Number eight, make kindness your religion.

    Number nine, smile often. WITH EVERYONE.

    Number ten. Be expressive. Cry, laugh, be amazed, it's okay to feel sad too, and if you like something about someone tell them, if you see someone who's in need help them, if you think I need that end of your ice cream cone, GIVE IT TO ME.

    Number eleven, tell your parents what is it that's making you laugh while looking at your phone, they are not being nosey they want to know what's making their son so happy. :)

    Number twelve, come home early.

    Number thirteen, treat everyone how you like to get treated.

    Number fourteen, do not awaken someone love for you without the intention of loving them back. DO NOT.

    Number fifteen, grief is a strong emotion. Choose your actions and words wisely.

    Number sixteen, and last. Life is not about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself. I'll explain you this in the call.

  • toobakhan 52w

    How wonderful it is, isn't?
    that the hands which are capable of committing heinous crimes, can sometimes be
    gentle and hold hands out of love?


  • toobakhan 53w

    'चंदनिया तो बरसे, फ़िर क्यों मेरे हाथ अंधेरे लगदेने? '

    होता है, सब होता है। कहानियों में, बॉलिवुड की मूवी, या किसी नोवल से हट कर जो एक असली दुनिया है, जहा हम लोग तड़पते है वहा, होता है, सब होता है।
    बेचैनी, बेसुकुनी, बेबसी, बदहवास सी हालत। होता है, अधूरेपन में सब होता है।

    सब है, लेकिन नहीं है।

    कहा हैं वैसे? मुझे नहीं दिखाई देता, पूरा दिन कट जाता है, लेकिन जब रात को खुद से मुलाक़ात होती है तब मैं बेचैन, मायूस होजाती हूं, खुद ने मुझे यही समझाया हैं, ' जो हुआ अच्छे के लिए हुआ', में एक छोटे बच्चे की तरह मान कर बैठी हूं। कभी कबार नहीं करता मन्न, खुद की सुनने को। मनन करता है, की नाजाने क्या ही कर दू। सब छोड़ दूं, सब बिखरा हुआ है, सब समेट लूं, किसके लिए? नहीं मालूम। सच बताऊं, मुझे कुछ नहीं मालूम।

    मै कुछ नहीं कर सकती, मै बेबस, बेचैन, लाचार गोश्त का पोथदा सिर्फ लिख सकती हूं।


  • toobakhan 57w

    Kabhi kabaar mai bhool jaati hu ki ab hum baat nahi karte. Ekdum bas dimaag mai aajata hai tumhara khyaal, agle pal number, or usse agle hi pal phone per mere muh se nikalti pehli line, mere dimaag mai ye sab 1 nano second mai hojata hai. Ek pal ki khushi ya excitement se leker, agle hi pal ki mayoosi.
    Shayad mayoosi nahi, 'disappointment', haan yehi.

    Abhi jese thodi der pehle mene ek kavita padhi jisme pyaar ko bhulane ki baat thi, or kuch baadal ki bhi, mene wo thodi zor se padhi, or dhyaan tumhari taraf gaya or mere mann mai pehli line aai, ''accha suno na, ek poem hai, sunau"? Mujhe pata hai tum shikayat karte the ki,
    ''suno, tum thoda 'hi-hello' bol dia karo call uthate hi, ekdum hi baat karna shuru kardeti ho'' badi hasi aai thi us waqt, ye nahi maloom tha ki ek din esa aaega, jab 'Hi' bhi nahi bachega kehne ko.

    Maloom tha, ya kahu ki hai mujhe, tumhe nahi hai in sab cheezo ka shauk. Lekin ab, mai sochti hun ki agar tumko nahi suna pa rahin hu, To kise sunau? Kon sunega meri awaaz mai kavitaye? Or kon mere likhi kavitao per phone ke us taraf apne kandhe or kaan ke beech mai phone pakad ke, mere lie taali bajega?

    Mujhe wese pata hai ki hoga koi, ek na ek, kisi na kisi din.
    Per, mann to abhi karrha hai na? Abhi koi nahi hai. Ek mai hun, mere upar ye kaala gehra aasmaan, ek taraf chaand jhaakta hua, or ye hawaye, bas. Or kya?


  • toobakhan 57w

    जब एक रिश्ते की माला टूटती है,
    तो उसकी डोरी मे बंधे हुए
    मोहब्बत, यकीन, वादे और यादों के मोती बिखर जाते है

    वो मर्द तो गुस्से से झुंझलाता हुआ,
    दरवाज़े को जल्लाद से खोलता हुआ बाहर चला जाता है
    पीछे रेहजाती है, वो औरत; एक चार दिवारी के अंदर
    उन बिखरे मोतिओ को समेटती हुई
    एक - एक करके

    और उस धागे मे एक गिराह बांध कर दोबारा पिरोने की कोशिश करती है,
    शायद वो औरात कामयाब होजाए इस कोशिश में,
    लेकिन पता है क्या? वो गिराह जो रिश्ते की डोर में आगई है,
    वो शायद ज़िन्दगी भर के लिए
    नहीं खुलती!


  • toobakhan 58w

    Mujhse mere ek waqt per azeez hone wale insaan ne kaha tha, jab mai use ek aurat ke bare mai batarahin thi.
    ki wo hai to acchi lekin, zabaan ki kadwi hai.

    To usne kaha,
    ''logo mai baton ke alawa hota kya hai?"
    mene apne mann mai ye sawaal poore 2 saal baad lai, or mene isper gaur kia, logo mai baton ke alawa kya-kya hota hai? Shayad, sab kuch.

    Kyunke jis aurat ki mene baat ki thi, wo meri maa hai, mera or unka khoon ek to nahi hai lekin, haan maa hai meri. Baatain zyaada achi nahi karti hai wo, unke shayad dil rakhne wali, meethi-meethi batain ghol ke pilane wali kala nahi hai, wo kadwi hai, sach ki tarha. Jhoot unke asspass nahi bhatakta, jese agar mai unse poochu, ''kesi lag rahin hun mai?'' wo to ye nahi bolengi, ''are waah, meri shehzaadi kitni khoobsurat'' wo bas meri taraf ek nazar uthake dekhengi or upar se neeche tak ek nazar daalengi or apna sar hila dengi. Haan, koi alfaaz nahi, kuch bhi nahi. Poochu agar unse ki tareef kyu nhi karti? To kehti hai, ''nazar lag jati hai tareef karne se''.

    Ab mai ye soch rahin hu, ki in aurat mai acchi baatain karne ke alawa sab hunar hai, sabr, shauk, accha zehen, tameez, tehzeeb, rakh-rakhao ki samajh, saleeka, acche bure ki pehchaan, acche pehnaawe ki samjh, khayaal rakhne ka jazba, hasi mazaak ki aadat, bus batain nahi hai.

    Ab mera zehen jaata hai, us shaks ki taraf jisne kaha tha ki, ''insaan mai bataon ke alava hai kya?", mai chahti hun usko ye bolna, ''ki agar insaan ki batain hi sab kuch hoti, to shayad aaj mai or tum alag na hote'' lekin pata hai ki kuch batain unkahi hi rehni chahiye to behtar rehta hai, pata nahi kyu, bas rehta hai.


  • toobakhan 62w

    I've always adored women.
    pretty, beautiful, classy, elegant
    draped in beautiful colors,
    draped in silk sheets
    golden brown hair
    rosy lips
    brown eyes

    oh! I've always adored beautiful women.

    with exquisite taste
    in colors
    filled with calmness
    sitting with the sunshine
    with shades on her eyes
    and cat in her lap

    rooms filled with
    fresh daisies
    white curtains
    prevailing the evil eye

    oh! I've always adored her