addicted to marvel DC comics and gorey anime. widowed mother of 2 just expressing my grief to the universe.

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  • spammi 2w


    Beyond this place
    Deep in a space
    I need all of your pictures

    Each and only one
    Makes me feel
    Every moment I am with
    And without you

    My fragile brains
    Were never trained
    To handle such a horribly majestical
    Deniable strain

    Of loss

    I sit and smoke with your pictures all around me
    In my little bliss
    Of these happiest moments
    Reminiscing of such tenderness in our times

    Family pictures,
    barbecues and beers,
    Red solo cups and tears,
    Zoo parks and whales sighing,
    Everyone thought Diaz was dieing.

    Then when the joint is spent
    The bowl is cashed
    I'm still just as alone
    With only the thought of you.


  • spammi 9w


    A word
    So few
    And yet,
    If you say it out loud
    In a large happy crowd
    Look around
    At the flinching bodies
    They know
    The true meaning
    Behind such an innocent word.

    For the few that don't know
    May your lives remain so.
    For the many that do
    I love you


  • spammi 9w


    Secrets make for a daring life,
    Before I became a mother.
    Before I became a wife.
    There's was something dark
    Left from my former life,
    Foreign for most,
    Scary dark times passed by.

    I had friends,
    Went to school,
    Did everything right,
    Followed all the rules.

    Behold my down fall,
    Too good,
    Too quiet,
    Too kind.

    Someone took it all away once
    Upon a time.
    I had courage and inner strength,
    I was cunning and brave.
    No one ever tells you what happens after your made into a sex slave. .

    I was locked in a room for months as a young teen,
    My life stopped at one corner
    And ended at the locked door.
    I never had the keys.
    Trapped alone,
    Expect for the foulness that came in to the room at least 2 times a day.
    I never felt so angry as I did the first night and day.

    My thirteen years of life flashed in my eyes as I stared down at my bare feet.
    Cold and alone in a room that wasn't mine,
    An oversized t-shirt covered just enough,
    No one said life would be nearly this rough.

    I was so lost.
    What did I do?
    When was the last time I ate?
    Will he give me water again?

    The water tasted wrong before
    I was too young and too dumb
    By the time I realized something was wrong
    My body felt numb
    And I dropped the glass onto the floor.
    Shattered glass everywhere,
    Scattered dreams in the trashcan was where the shards fell in.

    Who does this do to a kid was all I could think,
    He took me to the bathroom
    I had only one thing constant with safe water,
    That tiny little sink.

    I drank from the spout as much as I could hold,
    No more water from him I told myself,
    Do more,
    Find a way out for yourself.

    I fought and hit,
    Pulled and slapped.
    Finally after months I found it,
    A beautiful wooden baseball bat.

    Louisville Slugger dark wood finish,
    The heft
    The grain structure
    Still in my hands 20 years later
    Gives me the strength I needed to end it.

    Let us leave it to here.
    Not all can handle someone's own tales of childhood
    Or child abuse.
    No matter what they hear.


  • spammi 9w

    Titled Blank in Bed

    Laying in bed is always easy. Getting
    Fine. But its changed.
    Honestly naked with my husband,
    Entwined together,

    Now, it's always too cold.
    T-shirts every night.
    His shirts every day.
    They barely hold his smell.
    Death, takes many things away.

    How can this grief consume me every night,
    Yet in the morning,
    With puffy eyes and parched lips,
    I kiss my children on their foreheads?
    We promised each other,
    Young and stupid us,
    If one should go first before the other
    Then the less will raise the kids first.

    I joked,
    Where do you want to get buried in space?
    He ponders me seriously and asked me,
    How could you manage that?
    Shifting my eyebrows cheekliy I pipe,
    Semantics, hun. Dont be such a brat.
    Don't look like a dick,
    I can make anything happen once,
    I promise you that.

    I got married once.
    Had kids once
    Was content.
    I'm lucky to feel my regrets.

    Should have loved him harder,
    Loved him more.
    Told him anything he wanted to hear,
    Make his favorite food,
    Every day for all the years
    We were married happy and young.
    15 years came and went.

    I'm alone,
    The same age you died.
    Worried what my kids need to survive,
    Survive my gene pool,
    Life's incessant
    Of pride,
    And doubt.
    I'm ready to not be so alone,
    But I'm scared another will pass me by,
    I cannot do this again

    I'm not easily to set to stoned standby.
    This false life is my scab.
    It will fall off,
    But its here now.

    Emotions cost many things,
    Sanity comes to mind.
    What I truly lost,
    No one likes to talk about.
    Cause then,
    You can see what a severed soul looks like
    And tell your friends
    The skinny freaky bitch is out
    Fuck you.
    I can't eat
    It all comes out.

    I no longer feel hunger,
    To dampen my internal pain.
    Wise decisions,
    But grief never gets to change.


  • spammi 11w


    Some times I get lost
    Thinking about your ghost
    Some times we get lost
    And I remember I'm the host.

    It's harder to remember
    What we did every day
    Some times I want to go out
    Give in and say

    I love you the most
    It hurts so much clearer
    I choke
    While I look in the mirror
    It's getting harder to remember
    What we did in September
    Our anniversary
    Is only our history

    I feel I'm the ghost
    And yet I still get lost the most
    As I fall in to feelings
    Get so lost in my meanings
    I try to give in
    And I know it's my sin
    Then I turn on the TV
    Getting lost is real easy.

    With one roll over
    I cry on my shoulder.


  • spammi 11w

    Drowning on a Dream

    Can't take a deep breathe,
    I feel like my chest is being crushed in,
    What the fuck and why?
    I swear to God,
    I was not that high!
    My lungs feel like they have been obliterated,
    I can't handle this overwhelming lack of breathe.
    Where's my pipe?
    I can breathe in with a toke,
    If I do or don't try,
    Either way,
    I choke.
    Spark the lighter,
    See the flame grace the ground down greens.
    Hear the sizzling and the crinkling of the bowl in your hand in-between your,
    You decide the amount that passes your lips,
    These premo greens were bought here by your majestic hand picks.
    Inhale bitch,
    God dammit!
    Don't worry about a thing,
    Every little thing's gonna be alright.
    You choke out a sob and give grace,
    Inhale again and hold it to make your case...
    Now blow.
    Finally, you sigh
    Glancing at your phone.
    Fuck my life
    It's still dark at
    3:45 am!

  • spammi 12w

    Floating out of Reach

    A ship
    In a bottle
    Floated out
    To sea.
    It had a cursed pirate's feeling inside the glass,
    His heart floating out to sea.
    Did it dare to beat in a bottle,
    While the cursed lay upon land?
    The beating was a taunt,
    Even though I am caged - I am free.
    The pirate swore out to sea,
    Passed the rough waters,
    And choppy swells.
    He knew one thing,
    And one thing well.
    "If you can hear me,
    Then I know I'm alive!
    I can't run forever,
    But for now I will turn to the tide."
    With that he turned around,
    His feet taking him to where he was needed.
    The other side of his small world of an island called to him.
    But if his
    Feelings brought him to where he wanted,
    With that last thought he changed his clothes
    And adjusted his crown.
    The Unfeeling King with his perpetual frown
    Was floating on dry land
    Waiting for his heart to return to him.


  • spammi 12w

    Loner Stoner

    Yeah, that does happen.
    A single bowl,
    For a single moment
    With just yourself.
    Getting giddy,
    Getting ready.
    Cause its time to treat yo self - go
    Grab that top shelf.
    You researched your zip of funky named grass,
    Know the weird name first,
    Know the true value of medicine will last.
    Grind that baby Dino toe to bits
    Cover it up in smiles,
    Laughes and a little extra keef,
    Cause let's face it.
    Nothing lasts nor is it free.
    It's your night - your moment,
    Feel the pulse between your eyes as you raise that glass pipe to anxiously smiling lips,
    Spark that bowl with your trusty Bic.
    Listen to the flame hit that Adult Salad,
    Hear it sizzle and burn.
    Breathe it in down,
    That smoke expands in the lungs.. now,
    Hardest moment had to come,
    No matter the procedure,
    Don't take a breather.
    Hold the smoke - You control it all.
    No matter the feelings of inability that are shaking,
    This is the self in control.
    Release out a plume of smoke,
    Relish in your moment a few minutes more for the taking.
    Now go get ready
    Imma teach ya how to roll..
    Just because you were alone when you smoked,
    Doesn't make you a loner.
    All that I had said today
    Has turned you into a better stoner.

    ( Trust : eat the smoke like your eating a muthafrenching sandwich. Thank me later, repeat til desired.)

  • spammi 12w

    My Animals part 1/4
    A Cat named Dragon

    I have a mini zoo.
    2 cats
    2 dogs.
    Life is simple with them all.
    2 cats and 2 dogs
    I simple jingling of all their tags is noted behind my feet.
    After a time I expect to hear it,
    That noise makes my life a little more complete.
    Almost all boys and the lone girl,
    A cat named Dragon.
    A small tuxedo,
    Black and white feline,
    Dont let her size fool you,
    She knows how to take care of me and mine.
    The adventures she goes on,
    Maybe there's a bit of time for cat stuff.
    A dust mote that needs a inspection,
    A proper bite to her mischievous little brother,
    And plenty of snuggles,
    Also she has to vanquish the monster under the covers.
    She's brave and quiet,
    I dream that Dragon fights the bad ghosts in the house.
    But it looks like she's killing a bug?
    No, that's a ghost in the shell.

    I'm going to hell.


  • spammi 12w

    Feelin' High

    Stuck on the ceiling,
    Looking at the ground.
    Still trying to figure out
    How I got this whole life thing upside down.

    Don't ask me what ceiling,
    Who's ceiling
    Why a ceiling,
    Is this all your thinking?

    What did I say?

    Not to disway from it
    Or hinder many from trying
    Maybe take this tremendous leap and read before you pass this
    Thinking that I'm lying.

    There's an edict or manner that's best to be the number one rule,
    Ours is simple
    No judging others, fool.
    But if there's one thing I know
    It's after a hit, you should always ask,
    "Hey Buddy,
    You good?"

    Cough cough pass
    Pass it to your friend
    Help them feel it
    When you feel it
    A numb so great
    They need to understand.
    Granted some will not partake,
    And for them it'll be that one mistake.
    Always haunting them,
    What would it have been like to get high on that particular eve with devil's lettuce in attendance with the marvelously zen Spamm?

    Always remember to keep a steady pace,
    Never guilt to smoke in the first place.
    Always offer Mary Jane to the wise and the brave.
    For the tales they tell of how they watched a giant get it's head shaved.
    Or how a unicorn got it's horn castrated,
    Please dont ask,
    It's simply X-rated.
    Granted there will be a few words missing from the plot,
    Maybe more than just missing.
    But for you to not understand this,
    Then shut the fuck up and start listening.

    2 steps forward and 8 steps back.
    I'm just sayin'...
    Thank God I don't smoke-

    Big brother said we could,
    It's much better if we all would
    Give it a try
    They all said no body can have an actual overdose on this and die.
    So I smoke.
    I definitely smoke my 2 joints in the morning,
    Some times I'll smoke some more at nite.
    Fuck that smoke 2 joints before I smoke 2 joints shit,
    Because that'll not be all fine.
    Much too high tonight
    For that shit to be alright.