Man is by nature, a social animal. But where there are people who love to socialise, there are people who crave peace and solitude more than anything. Yet we can’t deny the fact that we still need a support system.
We all need people in our life we can rely on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your other half. It can be your parents, siblings, friends or just anyone you think you can put in your trust. They are the pillars you built over time, by nature, to support you.
But what happens when they leave you (or you leave them). What happens when they break your trust? One after another, each pillar begins to perish until maybe just one or two is left. You still stand, but you know you have already lost so much.
You don’t feel the same. It’s different now. You want to cherish the ones you can still hold onto. ‘Cause you are scared - scared of losing everything. But the inevitable occurs. You FALL and you FAIL. Fail at keeping them close. Fail at standing up for yourself. Fail at keeping everyone happy.
This is when the thorns start piercing the one they were supposed to protect. You withdraw yourself from everything you were part of. You want to be left alone. For at least then, you might find peace.
Then one day, a thought strikes your overly tired mind. What if you were the reason they all were gone? What if it was you who pushed them away? What if it was something you said. It was you all along. You were at fault - Self Destruction - this is where it begins.
You want to end it all. Leave everything. But there’s still that flame inside you that didn’t die - Compassion - and you live. You live but you aren’t alive. You live because you have to. ‘Cause you also are that pillar to someone. A part of someone else’s support system. And you don’t want them to be the next you. So you live on as the sun, to bring light to someone else’s darkness. As a candle - sacrificing yourself, until there’s nothing left to give.
// There are some people in our life who are so special that wherever they are, that place becomes closest to our heart. So this letter, is not to a specific place, but to the person who makes any and every place home. // ____________________________________________________
To Someone Special,
You know how some people feel the connection at first meet, it was the same. It started with the feeling "I am so happy I could die" for a compliment, to now feeling like "we be together forever". We are so far away and yet whenever we talk I feel like we're much closer than I have been with anyone else. You somehow seemed to bring out the chirpy me that was lost somewhere, and all I can say is I am this "Me" now because I met you. You also brought out the teasing side of me which I never knew existed until that day. Was it love at first sight? Who knows.
You are so stubborn when it comes to taking compliments. That one time when I said you are pretty, you were so adamant to prove me wrong. Even with the mask covering half your face and with a look that you are ready to kill someone, you were the same pretty I knew you to be. I am exceptionally bad at remembering faces, but I could recognise you out of a group when we barely knew each other. Did yours imprint on me?
Hours passed like seconds and time just flew when we're together. And then, I wanted to be with you in all your firsts so much so that I was jealous of everyone else close to you. And although you rejected me, I am still happy that I was the first to propose to you. Just like how you are special to me, I wanted to be someone special to you too. A dream, maybe?
I never liked the idea of people having their favourite colour as blue, not that I hated it but it looked too mainstream. So I stayed away from it. I still admire the sky and the seas, nothing can beat nature. But then, you came and introduced all shades of it into my life and I don't dislike it as much now.
Remember the time you were gone because you wanted to stay away from the world? I was just happy to see you safe, so much so that I wasn't bothered by the fact that you ignored me for some time. Or perhaps you did not, because you were still there, silent as ever, just peeping out and showing your presence. And then when you returned, seemed like the happiest moment I had in days unknown. It was just the night before that I missed your presence more than ever. Was it the universe wanting us to meet?
The wallpaper on my screen keeps reminding me of you and I can't help but check my clock and think whether you have eaten or not? Did you sleep on time? I now stopped nagging you at your food and sleep habits, not because I stopped caring, but because I know you are taking good care of yourself now.
I feel like a child with you, when you are the one who's younger. I like how you don't hesitate to try new things. Your actions always have a deep impact on me. I want to- Read the books you read Use the words you use Play the games you play (But I don't want to play with worms) I am afraid of all movable beings living on earth, yet I want to try playing with your pets some day.
Deep inside, I am still looking forward to the day we get to be together and do all the fun things we talked about - go shooting, horse riding, fishing and (although you don't like it….) dress up for the halloween - or just a stroll in a nearby park, holding hands talking about the afterlife. Let me remind you again - You are beautiful You have a pretty smile You are kind You have the best voice in the world And more importantly, You are still my motivation I know you hate cheesy, so I am gonna say the cheesiest thing that'll surely make you cringe. "You are one of the nicest person I've met and I love you "
From Someone who wants to be your Special. ____________________________________________________ Entry to truth or dare challenge by @cyan_rose #blue_TrueDare Dare by @ablaze_writer: Write a letter to a place close to my heart. Dare by @bluepuppy01: Write something based on our special moments.
// I wish we be together always, the happy family we are // #newyearwish ______________________________________________________ P.s. I realised after writing how childish this was, simple things yet difficult to carry out. I might not keep this on my wall for long.
Wish u guys a very happy, healthy and prosperous new year
I am glad to have meet my cute little family here... love you all . I just felt like saying this :) #smilyn_creates ___________________________________________________
Will(/t)ing Wishes ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Endless stream of incomplete wishes Lurk around me stealing kisses I gaze at them lost in thought Etched will they be in my heart Even if one day, they'll all be gone For they'll lead the path, for others to be born
Gliding through the crest and trough And at times when things go rough There'll always be a helping hand How much ever alone you stand Aiding you to fulfill your desire Lifting you up higher and higher Giving you strength, zeal and fire So give your best down to the wire
In this age of mental deterioration, it's crucial for us to calm the inner chaos. Most of us are trying to find people who'll make us feel better. We overly romanticize love and attempt to rationalize fiction. On this journey of self preservation, we unconsciously venture into the pathways of self contempt. Finding your other half won't solve all your problems. Finding love is probably not the right answer. This is self originated and self inflicted misery. An attempt to counter your shadow via an external company is a doorway to absolute futility.
We are raised to believe that another person is the cure for our miseries, at least, that's what over romanticism teaches us. Your so called 'beloved' is just a Mirror and no matter how many mirrors you replace, the reflection still remains the same. It's you. It has always been you. You don't like your own reflection as a result of which you set out into this journey of finding the perfect mirror for yourself. At the end of the day, the person who'll be the most closest to you, is you.
In a different scenario, Even if people say that they hate you, Your worth rests only in your hand. You are what you make of yourself. It's not the reality that manipulates your destiny, it's your perception of it. When you stop seeing tragedies as hapless conclusions and when you start seeing them as challenges, as small games, as small battles that you need to win in order to conquer the war. When you stop seeing failures and setbacks as the final dawn of your life, but when you start seeing them as a prosperous period of dusk for self reflection and self actualization. That's when you truly understand your own value. Suicide has always been an option for the escapists. But one who is courageous enough to face the suffering of life whilst cheerfully helping others without any unrealistic expectations, for him i say, greatness is coming.
Your great grandparents and my great parents have witnessed horrific acts and blunders. The true face of chaos is hidden behind the curtains of time and compared to all those wars, Holocausts, genocides.. This is almost nothing.
We are a generation, indoctrinated via the media houses, Some of the most intelligent minds are working on selling you advertisements and, corporations, capitalists are spending money to imprison you into this wormhole of instant pleasure. At every passing second, you are bombarded with unlimited data, which is instilling innumerable insecurities in the you.
We are insecure of the way we dress, the vehicle we drive, the clothes we wear, the accessories we use to decorate our bodies, and even the way we speak and.. express ourselves. We are living in an age of Over globalization and structural decentralization. It's an era where people are freaking out for not losing their virginity by the age of 25, where people are constantly sabotaging themselves with labels, where individuality and solitude is treated as strange anomalies, where poetry no longer conveys reality in a bewildering way, where science and arts are seen as two separate concepts, where technology which was supposed to connect people has become the sole reason for their separation and alienation,where it seems like everything has been figured out yet we wander around unsure and uncertain.
When the clock striked ∞ and the time lost track of time, the light started to travel slower than light and space reached its finitely infinite ending, the universe donated those quite residues from the core of its womb once again to begin, gifting fortune to those black holes and white dwarfs to recreate life and hold the badges of being the sun of their galaxies and drain their energy to spread love and hatred, hope and disgrace, truths and lies, death and life to reach that finite end in infinity once again. Unhesitatingly, the nebulas from the past once again gave birth to elements they once derived. Like how the artist's first stroke is the most elegant design, the nebula exquisitely configured the nuclei of Iron, the one with the strongest and the most stable with the force of its own, driving against all odds to reach infinitely high. The nebula cried tears of joy to see its first creation, immensely rejoiced. Tears turned into pearls with mass and energy of its own, iron caught those pearls with the power it beholds, named those tears of joy as electrons of Iron to revolve around its core. With tears of motherhood, now called the electrons revolve with endearment and attachment, never ready to leave its side. Likewise, the nebula gave birth to all, some small or some large, some weak or some strong but never formed the basis about which one was better than them all. The iron being the strongest of all carrying the symbol of harmony and peace, trying to walk with his siblings was the beginning of the era. Jealousy took birth, wars and thieving took over the stage to become as powerful as iron's nuclei or become strong as a whole like the nobles in the sky. Some stole the symbol of love and motherhood, the electrons to become pseudo strong than the other or some secluded themselves to not feel the strength of the other. The worried cosmos now pioneered the stars and flourished the gravity, to control the hatred in the existing mass and energy but as the stage for negativity was already set up, it was impossible for them to stop. To satisfy each one's thirst of stability and strength, stars became the home to fuse them with one another with some conditions of their own. The stars declared to them all,"We will grant you all but on some conditions of our own, you'll have to bear gravity and temperature to become that strong, will you be able to handle it all!?" The atoms nodded and dedicated themselves to the stars, under those harsh conditions to satisfy their greed, they fused and fissioned to become that strong, forgetting their own identity and reaching their finite end slowly and steadily. The stars gained light, light travelled to those empty atoms in space. Gravity holding some, the ones which never said that they are unsatisfied with the way they are, they had combined themselves to became rocks and minerals but still stole identities in disguise, some became the statue of life. The energy of brotherhood and compassion originated life, for them to function together and create miracles of their own, deriving exuberance and sparkle from stars to live ecstatically, forever but the forever existed until infinite meets the finite end once again till hatred, anger, jealousy and sadness consume each other to reach the end, thus ending the life that exists. When the fusion and fission of stars terminate, it will be too late to realise that they were meant to begin here but ruined the peace to die in the identity of their own. Thus, the loop of finitely infinite starts again!
Some satanic spirits swirling around my soul , as if I'm cursed like some Scottish play... Is it any fragment of the artefact I stole , Or reminiscence of something gray?
None but I shall fathom out the mystery, Behind the growl of the thunder... Coz it's meant to elucidate the journey, For which I was rended asunder...
I too want to make my mind, The key to set me free... Before in thoughts I'm twined, Or under the hearth, my sound, they bury...
River flowing beneath the land, Someday shall find its course out But who knows where its gonna bend? And its fate damn! a new doubt... ______________________________________________
My brain is the key that sets me free -- Houdini
Houdini-Harry Houdini was a Hungarian-born American illusionist and stunt performer, noted for his escape acts.
Scottish play - The Scottish play is euphemism for William Shakespeare's Macbeth.According to a theatrical superstition, called the Scottish curse, speaking the name Macbeth inside a theatre, other than as called for in the script while rehearsing or performing, will cause disaster.
Lifeless sky and my sleepless eyes staring at each other all night long......is this the darkest hour of the night?? Coz I'm waiting for yet another break of dawn ✨ ______________________________________________ Keeping quiet here stands for self introspection as it is a reference from Pablo Neruda's famous work 'keeping quiet ' ______________________________________________ I've tried writing haiku (n it's a small acrostic too)
Suddenly, the lights go out as the building begins to shake…
A siren blares. Red lights begin to flash into the rooms from the hallways. “They must have followed your blood trail and figured out this is our main base!” Erick tells Jace.
“Crap, we led them right to us! Help me pack up the drive and laptop! And pack anything else you might need!” Jace quickly says as he attempts to stand up without getting faint.
“We need to get to the rendezvous point that your dad put in place in case something like this ever happened!” Erick replies.
“I know that, Erick!” Jace says hysterically to him, “But how are we going to do that in the dark?! And with people, we can’t see, hunting us?!” Jace gives Erick a weird facial expression.
“Can you just be serious for one second, Jace? This is actually a very dangerous situation we have here, not just for us but for everyone down here also!” Erick exclaims.
“I’m sorry!! I just don’t take bad things seriously. You should know this about me by now!” Jace tells him, “But we do need to help out the rest of the people down here with us while we try to get out ourselves!”
“Finally, I got the Jace I needed! Now, Captain, what’s your plan?” Erick continues, “First, we need to find out how we are going to get out of this room!”
Jace looks around as he puts his laptop and hard drive in his backpack. “Shoot! I need to get to my room, Erick!” Jace says when he notices he needs his phone.
Erick looks over at Jace. “Ok, give me a second!” Erick says as he quickly packs up his computer and grabs a couple of hard drives he had been working on in his spare time. “I just need to grab some of my work so that they don’t know what we are planning,” continues Erick.
“Ok!” Jace starts to feel for the door in the darkness. When his hands run across the wall, he finds the knob. The red lights barely illuminate the hall. As he shuffles to his room the next door down, he trips.
“Crap! I hope nobody heard that,” Jace thinks to himself as he crawls to his room with his bag in hand. He leans against the wall to get some grip while he stands up to reach for his door. However, he hears men talking down the hall.
“Follow me! I think I heard something down this direction!” he hears the man say.
“Ok, Jace, think of what's the best way to solve this problem. If I go in to lock the door, that will raise more suspicion, but if I don’t do something quick, I’ll be found either way.” Then Jace notices something.
The men come running around the corner and see the door to the room is shut. They open it and charge in. Quickly, Jace comes out from behind a service entrance to their lab and slams the door behind the men as he breaks the lock, trapping the men inside.
“Erick! Now!” Erick powers on one of his battery hard drives. It causes all radio waves from the mens' vests to be jammed.
“There. Now, there’s no way they’ll be getting out of there anytime soon!” Erick says, “Umm, not to alarm you, Jace, but… What about your phone?”
“Ohh, you mean this?” Jace reaches into his bag and pulls out his phone, “Yeah, I kinda grabbed it before they were able to make it around the corner.” Jace lets out a deep breath, “They almost caught me, though. Not gonna lie!”
“Ok, let’s meet up with the rest of the group now!” Erick says to Jace.
“Hold up, there’s still one more stop I need to make beforehand! It’s the most important of them all!” Jace tells Erick as he starts to head down the hall.
“But, what is left that could be of use?” Erick asks, confused, “Shouldn’t we try to get to the group as fast as we can to make sure everyone is okay and no one is missing?”
“Erick, just trust me. This is for the best!” Jace says as he heads to the common area. When they get closer, they hear voices speaking down the hall.
“Come in! Come in! Martial 6, do you read me? There’s no reply, Sir. What do we do?” One of the voices says.
“We keep searching ‘til we either find that kid or find something that will be of use for finding him!” another voice says.
“Wait a second. That voice... It can’t be, but it is! That’s the man from the bridge earlier! So, you’re telling me he’s the one heading the mission on this raid? No wonder he seemed so ticked off when I got a hold of his plans! Erick,” Jace says quietly, “I have bad news, man! This the head honcho! He's the one who stopped me at the bridge where I jumped to get away.”
“So, what you’re telling me is that you stole the plans to raid our facility from their main facility?” Erick asks, puzzled.
“I guess so!” Jace replies, “I thought it was just gonna be another pop-up facility of theirs. But, it was a little sus how many people were there and how much security I had to get through just to get to the front door.”
“Sir, we found a girl trying to escape as we were clearing the halls! What should we do with her?” asks one of the voices.
Suddenly, they hear another voice, “Get your grimy hands off of me, you Commies!”
“Oh no! They have Paige!” Jace says, “We have to help her. We can’t just leave her here, but how can we get her out without drawing too much attention to ourselves?” Jace looks at Erick and notices a strange shadow approaching behind him.
“Hey! You there, don’t you move a muscle!” A deep voice says to the boys. The soldier puts his gun against Erick’s shoulder to aim at both him and Jace.
“Well, crap, there’s no getting out of this without drawing more attention, so let’s go all out.” Jace looks at Erick and nods his head. He pulls his knife and charges both the man and Erick.
The guard quickly avoids the blade that Jace is charging with.
Erick grabs the barrel of the man's weapon, pulling it away from the man to himself. “Jace, now!” Erick lets Jace know he has an open shot.
Erick grabs the man by his legs. Jace throws his knife to the ground as he full-on tackles the guard and kicks the gun away from his hands as it falls to the ground. Before Jace tackled him, he put the guard into a triangle chokehold, causing him to pass out.
“Did they really not hear that?” Jace asks while he peeks around the corner but realizes they have left. “Crap! Now, how are we going to get Paige out of here without getting caught?”
Erick inspects the man's body while he comes up with a plan. “How about this?” Erick says to Jace, “How about I put on this uniform, pretend to be one of the guards, and act as if I caught you! Once they see I have you, they will want me to bring you to the rest of the prisoners!”
“That’s a great idea! But, how do we know they won’t want me to be in a special place due to, ya know, me being the reason they are here?” Jace says sarcastically.
“That’s why, if all else fails, you’ll be carrying this,” Erick says as he holds up a hard drive, “This is one of the drives I used to block the signal of the guards in your room earlier. Just press this little button right here.” Erick points to a little red button on the side of the drive, “And this will pretty much fry every single one of their radios, giving you time to escape. While that’s happening, I’ll be with Paige, hopefully, outta here. And if you don’t meet us at the rendezvous point in 15 minutes, I will come to find you!”
“Ya know, a lot of things can happen. This plan can go South real fast, but one of our own is in trouble, so why not?” Jace says as he takes the drive and slips it in his back pocket to where he can reach it with the cuffs that Erick puts on him.
“Alright, are ya set to go?” Erick asks Jace while he slides on the guard’s helmet.
“Yeah, I guess. Well, let’s go!” Jace walks with Erick, trailing his every move to look like he’s holding him captive.
“Ahh, so y’all've finally made it back," they hear a grown man's voice say from the back of the room, "Jace, you had to be carried inside? Are you weak or something?”
As their eyes slowly adjust to the lights in the room, the voice continues to speak, “I see you boys decided to take your time coming back to base.”
The boys are finally able to make out whose voice it is to reply to. “Well, it’s kind of hard when you’re bleeding out while trying to avoid being found by the military police!” Jace replies in a smart tone.
“Don’t catch an attitude with me, boy!” the voice says to Jace, “And you, Erick, you need to keep a better eye on my son right here.”
“Yes, sir! I was trying my best, but you know Jace. He doesn’t like to take orders from other people very much,” Erick says to Daniel, Jace's father, “Jace really needs to get to the medical bay, though, sir. He’s actually really hurt and losing quite a bit of blood.”
Daniel, noticing the wound is worse than he expected, rushes over to help Erick carry Jace. “What happened?!” Daniel asks Erick out of curiosity and concern.
“He was shot on his way back to base, but, luckily, the bullet barely grazed him,” answers Erick.
“This doesn’t look like just a graze to me… how did he end up getting in worse condition?” asks Jace‘s father.
“I punched a tree…” replies Jace under his breath.
“A tree… You’re telling me a tree messed you up this bad?” Daniel asks in a demeaning voice. “At least, tell me you won the fight,” Daniel says with a chuckle while looking down, shaking his head, as they carry Jace to the infirmary.
“Sadly, it was Jace who took the most damage,” Erick laughs. “As he was punching the tree, his wound stretched and tore open,” Erick explains to Daniel, “I’m just afraid his wound might get infected if we don’t treat him soon.”
As they enter the medical bay, Daniel calls out, “Jillian, we need your assistance!”
Jillian enters the room. “What’s all this racket going on in here?” Jillian says while she takes off a pair of latex gloves.
“Our son needs your help… He lost a fight to a tree,” Daniel says jokingly, making fun of their son.
“Set him on the table right there and let me see this…” Jillian says.
Then Erick lifts up Jace’s shirt to reveal the injury next to his toned, muscular abs. “Ok, so good news is it’s not infected, but it does have some mild damage to his oblique muscle. There’s nothing to be worried about, though. He’ll just need a few days for it to heal after I stitch him up,” Jillian says as she begins to wipe around his wound with alcohol pads and pour some in it to prep his wound for stitches.
About thirty minutes passed. Erick and Daniel have both gone to their rooms. “Ohh, ‘kay, that should do it!” says Jillian as she pulls the needle after tying the last knot of Jace's stitches, “Just be sure to get some rest now. And no strenuous exercise if you want this wound to heal up fast.”
“Yes, ma’am!” Jace says as he tries to stand up.
“Woah, calm down there, champ!” Jillian says as she helps Jace stand up. “You still lost quite a bit of blood, but you’ll be fine...just, probably a little faint for the rest of the night.” His mother starts to walk him to his room.
As they walk, Jillian asks, “So, what was the point of getting into a fight with the tree?”
“Erick and I just had a little talk on the way back here, and I got a little intense and emotional,” Jace replies, “I didn’t mean to make matters worse for me.” He lets out a pained laugh.
“What was it about?” Jillian asks.
“It was about what happened all those years ago… I don’t really want to go into it again,” Jace says as he leans toward the entrance of his room. Jace opens the door to his room and says, “I should be fine, for now, Mom.”
“Well, if you ever need to talk, just know, I’m here for you,” his mother says as she turns to walk away.
“Uhh, hey, mom, thank you… for, you know, stitching me up. Thanks…” Jace says quietly to his mother as he shuts the door to his room.
Jace’s mother smiles as she turns away when he shuts his door and mutters to herself, “Just like his father used to be… A big softie, trying to be a tough guy.”
Jace, leaning against his door, looks around his room to see if Erick had brought his bag to his room, but doesn’t find it. After Jace opens his door and leans against the wall for support, he walks to Erick’s room, next door, and knocks on it.
Erick answers his door, “Hey, do you still have my bag from when we came in?” Jace asks Erick.
“Your bag? Oh, yeah, I have it right over here! I didn’t want anyone going into your room to take something from it, so I kept it in my room… I hope that’s ok?” Erick replies to Jace.
“No, no, no, it’s all good!” Jace assures Erick, “Actually, that was probably a good idea. Thanks.” Jace shuts the door and walks over to sit on Erick’s bed.
Erick walks over, opens his closet doors, and reaches up, grabbing Jace’s backpack from the top of his shelf. “Hey, Jace! Think fast!” Erick says as he pretends to throw Jace’s bag at him.
“Woah! Ahhh crap!” Jace shouts as he attempts to catch it but hurts himself while trying. “Why would you do that?!” Jace says while trying not to yell.
“Why not?” Erick lets out a laugh. “You’re still as gullible as always! Do you really think I’d throw your bag at you after you just got stitches done?” Erick says while walking over to Jace and setting the bag by his side.
“Well, it’s you, so I never know… you’re dumb enough to do anything!” Jace says as he reaches over, grabs his bag, and begins unzipping it.
“Ahh, there we go!” Jace says as he pulls out his laptop. Then Jace feels around in his bag, reaches into the side pocket, and pulls out a black thumb drive.
“Is that the drive I made you?” asks Erick.
“Yep, it sure is, and, hopefully, it still works!” Jace says in hopes he didn’t mess it up with all the trauma his bag went through. Jace pulls out a cord and connects the drive to his laptop. “Here goes nothing!” Jace says as he boots up the files he downloaded from the secret, military base he broke into.
“Ohh… my… Chuck!” Jace exclaims
“What? What is it?” Erick asks Jace with a concerned tone.
“Come check this out!” Jace says as he scrolls through the files. “Do you see this?! They have-” Jace coughs in the middle of his sentence, “...have the locations to three of our bases!”
“Do you know which ones?” Erick asks, concerned.
“Ok, so they know about the one in Nashville along with the one in New York,” Jace tells Erick. “Ohh no…” Jace says, horrified.
I ask the old man under the tree Where can I get epiphany? He tells me his love stories Failed, beguiled, broken As I wonder What does this mean He shakes off the dust from things Telling me to find love
I ask my mother preparing a meal Where can I get sacrifice? She tells me stories of my childhood That how adamant, impromptu Things I did Again I wonder what this means She shakes off the dust from utensils Telling me to find emotions in attic
I ask my father How the hate feels? He pinches my arm until i struggle hard To get his hands off of me Telling me the feeling of hurt and feeling of being struck at a place means He shakes off dust from his glasses reading his newspaper telling me to Read more about misery
I ask my reflection What do I mean? Can i be defined within lines of a page In between the spaces of words And silence in the daydream She tells me to write Write about the epiphanies, sacrifices and hate i have felt sometimes in my life And burn them down
Cause i really am a wild child For i like to write But phrases will never be enough to define my entirety For the epiphanies were failed love stories Sacrifices were letting emotions get the best of me And hate always meant forever in nothingness to me. -Vaishnavi
@smily_aina i know i am super late for this but the writers block has really got my company and i am unable to write something cool. This is all i could come up with. #wheredoifind?