We all go through a lot for reasons we have always wanted to understand. For reasons we all wish to understand. On some sad times, our sad moments. . we lock up ourselves running aimlessly from the things tomorrow might still present to us. Shouldn't we all be learning? Preparing ourselves, Accepting what's before us, Believing there's a cause for it. A cause for every challenge we encounter. Shouldn't we all be learning? Writing might not be enough, Love might not, Your tears won't do. Learning that everything becomes a part of you when you accept to let go.
If I could give it all, I wouldn't have spent forever writing this same piece. The time isn't here yet, But here I am writing my last piece. Unfolding our memories; Weaving it into poetry. I'm a scar on every page; torn in between the night that listens to my wishes.
I always wanted to be selfish. Of course loving myself should have been my first priority. But I didn't; I didn't love myself. I never did. Even when I gave love a second chance into that home, it didn't last. It had to fade. Maybe I gave too much attention to the life you created for us. Pretended so much to have wanted that too. I don't know if that's normal, but it made me thirstier. Craving for that life that has been waiting for me at my doorstep. I could have stretched my hands a little bit further. But I held back.. Because I felt it didn't deserve me. It was happiness; I wanted to be happy again. Maybe if my demons had left me earlier, I'd have the chance to see the sun.
I was still running in circles; Absorbing them; Getting filled with anger; Eaten up by them. "Let me out" was all I should have said.
"I want it to stop!!" I should have screamed that way. But instead, I wanted more.
Happiness; Happiness is setting free with tears hidden from the world. It's never a threat. It's priceless and selfless.
This isn't just bout' how soothing words are. We (writers) try to comfort people with the kindest words, meanwhile we're the ones who really need them.
Sometimes, I dream these words, In a way they don't make me feel better. Many a times I forgot I had loved once. It was so hard. I pretended as if I had the most perfect life, knowing that's all a lie weakened my soul. So, I never stopped voicing out. I wouldn't step out of the house without having reasons, enough reasons that the world might understand. Sometimes, I'd stare at my phone for about two weeks, seven hours, twenty four minutes and three seconds in every month. I kept count. I didn't regret that. That's because I want to be able to voice it out. I want to be able to figure out my own feelings on my own, probably not letting anyone into that world of mine. Because I'm afraid that the realest truth about me, might scare you.
If gasping for freedom makes me helpless; I want to cry more. If drowning in the same unrequited sins of my heart; I want to keep crying.
But many a times, I have been left alone to sink in my own tears. Crying for mercy; Crying for more.