To the Writer who forced me to love myself but what a tragedy I fell for him in the process..
Stripping the anxiety down layer after layer my body never felt this lighter as it felt that day. That day when I read you for the first time. In that hour, In those minutes the lips gave an awkward smile,A trembling laughter followed after the smile.Word after word. I tripped over an old T-shirt while nestling myself in the paragraph where you said "I never felt loved before until she came but that day i realised i can't give her the love because if love is already embedded within me then why till now I am falling short of it for myself."This paragraph ripped the panic attack off me and settled in between my trembling fingers.Your work reminded me of my old grandmother who used to say "Stop saying those meaningless I love you's to me and start saying those to yourself.I and sure one day you'll be courageous enough to let go off the pain with a smile "Picking up a pen trying to form a sentence it took me a hour to let my words feel the warmth of the white sheet. Writing a letter to you wasn't easy. It still isn"t easy.
63rd letter. 23 already delivered and 40 are still somewhere hidden amongst my worn out clothes. Winters were less cold last year because my heart was on fire when I tried travelling in the same train as yours.I tried finding you in the boy sitting at the end with the green cap and a grey hoodie. "How do you know he travels in that train" Someone asked. "His last story held the name of the train so I thought he might travel in the same one" I laughed hysterically after replying looking at the dumb look my friends were giving me. I know your work was never a part of silly fiction, It's never revolved around 2 lovers crying for each other but Self love.Something that gave me a reason to find you within those tiny details where I too reside.I travelled the whole winter in that train looking at that green cap guy wondering if I should ask him but the thought too lingers that he might feel "I am weird".
This summer I rummaged the whole store for the novel with the tag "Finding her on the train".Gulping the last few drops of my orange juice.Playing the songs that your playlists have,Locking myself in the room.I breathed in the essence of your words. No silly fiction but the reality your book held took my breath away. The girl with tricky curls over her head with her headphones tucked in,With 2 pencils in her hand,A Sling on her right shoulder staring right at your from behind the rod the one she held to stop herself from falling. The train where you sat at the end with the green cap covering your face stared at her still hiding yourself from her. She is trying to uncover the things she might not be doing.She is trying to rip your layers of loneliness.She wanted to. But for the whole winter you stared at her. She stared at you and one day she stopped coming on the same train as yours. You waited for a day, 2 days, 3 days. A week passed but she never came.For the first time you fell for someone and you felt complete.No hiding away your weaknesses,No hiding away the pain. You are still searching for her. I wish i could have asked you,I wish I had walked upto you and said "Hello",I wish that rod wasn't the barrier between us, I wish we were meant for each other. I wish.
I am writing another letter to you but this time the train won't decide our future. I hope you won't ignore this letter just like you did to others. We'll meet again only if we are meant to meet again. Not in the same train.Seasons won't decide our meeting.Just the right timing where dusk meets the dawn.