• First Digital Meeting: Late 2020, I saw you on the screen. You were wearing black and green. You were smiling as you received many Grammys awards. Splendid, I could say. You made your voice sound so well. I thought, however, that maybe you were also like one of the many people, with ill-intent. Did your melodious voice carried an hidden agenda? Still, it was too early, and though I had (tentative) judgments, I shall not judge unfairly nor be judgmental.
• My Dearest Brother, Our Bridge: Late 2020, kuya Ry posted a lot about you. Hmm... I think I gotta check her out too. Then I searched your songs, and this song stood out to me:
• everything i wanted:
I wondered about the thing/s that you deeply wanted. What was that? Not... it's 'not what you think'. What could have been easily thought of as an ambition for power, wealth or pleasure, etc., was actually a desire for death, suicide. *pierce* "I saw them standing right there, kinda thought they might care" *pierce*
Actually at first, I didn't understood what it meant entirely, but then I searched for meanings... and *pierce*
The lyrics were dead-honest and heartfelt and... heart-breaking.
"If I knew it all then, would I do it again, would I do it again? If they knew what they said would go straight to my head, what would they say instead?" ×2
Here's from me to you:
"If I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn't wonder why you hear, 'God Loves You.'"
It pierced my heart, your song and the story you tell me. It must've been God's will that I felt such deep empathy.
• Re-igniting: Months passed and it became 2021, late March or early April. My dearest brother, kuya Ry, once again posted a lot about you. Hehe, again, I thought I gotta check you out too.
• Revisiting Your Songs — A Mysterious Experience: Hearing your songs, they carried emotions, they carried stories. I thought, then, that there must've been something wrong. That your heart carried a heavy burden. Doing as I always did to anyone, so I did to you. I did cheered you, encouraged you, preached to you. As God's fellow creation and child, I tried to shed light and who knows if I could be of help to make your burden lighter? So I tried. I commented lots to your videos, making threads on YouTube. It's mysterious; why? I felt as though I was conversing with you. I comment this, and YouTube offers me this song suggestion. I comment, and this appears.
It felt... elusive, or evasive, and as if it's pushing me away.
You sang, "What do you want from me?" I commented,
" Me = × God = ✓ "
I really wanted nothing from you back then, for it was God that wanted something from you, that wanted you back, that wanted your heart... and even now, it IS God that wants.
You sang, "When we all fall asleep, where do we go?" I commented that I (we) go to heaven (God) when we fall asleep (die).
Then you sang, "I'm not your friend, or anything damn. You think that you're the man; I think, therefore, I am." I smiled, with contentment and confidence, because I know that at the very least, I did what I wanted: to spread love, agape love.
• Happier Than Ever 20 21, Weeks, months, passed by. I'm glad that you're happier than ever now. Couldn't explain much. Was it at first that my gestures spoke that
"I don't want it; and I don't want to want you"?
"But in my dreams I seem to be more honest..."
Now you literally and figuratively appear in my dreams. . .. ...
I, I, ....
"Silly me to fall in love with you."
• Turn The Tables Your voice wasn't an echo or hallucination; it is the sound of pouring a cup of tea; it is the pleasant twitting of a bird — caged, or flying in the open air — singing an elegy, ode or a love song, singing its heart. Its journeys. The songs journey. Their journey. The journey.
O, MY DEAR, I really wanted nothing from you back then; but now I want you as my future..... for, my dearest Billie,
Anyone and anything can help, as long as it's with God's power. Without God, none can help. And though none can help, we always have God who can — and is willing to — help us all the time. The question is,
"Are we willing to accept God and His help?"
Inspired from St. Therese of Avila's #quote, "God alone suffices."
My anxiety sits in a corner Of my mind room, Hidden inside That white elegant closet...
Don't tell me that I'm strong Until you've seen me broken down, Falling apart, Again and again Crying until the tears are no longer To come...
Don't tell me that I'm lovely Until you've seen what nights Are like and the terror That sometimes possess me. Seen me sob and tremble And question "Why me?" Until I run out of air And collapse..
Don't tell me that I'm beautiful Until you've seen the marks Etched in my skin And the ones on the inside, On my heart, That I hide...
Don't tell me that I'm a wonderful person Until I shut you out completely And push you away Because I promise myself That you're just like the rest And you'll get tired of me too...
But if you've seen that other part of me, The scars, pain, insecurities and bitterness That I hide, the voice that whisper during the day And scream during the night.. The darkness lurking behind my smile, And you still stay by my side And think me truly beautiful, Then maybe.. Just maybe... I believe you..
O' wanderer where do you search for home In light of fireflies do open you soul see the moonlight at your mind's attire. You're bemoaned for the wounds that roaming around your life even the sun moon and stars are mean to be get darken at the time of tides.
You longs for love but preach griefs, they're disguised In your gestures when the dark nights come and you find no-one you cry like a devastated mourner. O' your faraway gaze happened to amaze now a silence desire you plunge Into the memorial of memories to find the reasons of this Curse.