That void in my darkness that has been growing little by little, I think thst void has fallen for my thoughts of nothingness, I think it has fallen for the feelings I so subtly describe, I think it has fallen for the heart I very easily break, Maybe it has fallen for the way I described living, Or maybe about how I described to finally know peace, Has it fallen about my love for a being far away from home, Or has it fallen for the first time I had known love, Has it fallen for the pure life I dream or the chaos I live in. So I ask it a question everyday, it answers me, sometimes calm, Sometimes ridden with anger for those uncertain arms that never stop, I asked it the meaning of what was peace and why had I not known it, I asked that when I fall down why has this fall known no end, I ask for those smiles and how much I owe the universe for them, I ask if my sins are mine alone or if I have my demons to share them, I ask for the heaven and when did it turn to hell, I asked for what happens when it all comes to an end, I got an answer for every question, each a different version of the same, There is no solid truth in this chaos all there is, is waiting for it to end. And yet I still talk about the love I never received from an unfamiliar scene, That when I do fall into abyss, all I would say is, "oh how it feels to be seen".
To my lost childhood, I'm sorry I didn't realise when I forced you to grow up, I do not remember the time we were simply kids, I imagine it started in those fre revelations of time, When I learned you're allowed to dream not chase, When I learned that I owed everyone in this world, When I learned some debts are paid with your life, When I learned that silence can be so heavy at times, I think I forced you to mature when, I thought letting them think I was lazy was better, Better than letting them know I wasn't their happy daughter, When I thought that it's better to say no to the things I want, So they will not say no to the things I needed, When I learned to say no before even asking, Because my happiness could be so expensive, When I cut the chocolate into a bigger and smaller half, Because I couldn't be selfish when I wasn't the one paying, I'm sorry my childhood, I think I broke you too early, That hurt travels with me now but it doesn't hurt anymore, I'm used to it I promise it doesn't hurt anymore, You're still the same jsut a little bit more selfish, You have people now, don't worry you're not alone anymore, I'm sorry to make you think you could only want what you need, I'm sorry to make you believe it was your responsibility to be like this, You weren't selfish my love, you were jsut a little kid, Its okay to want that colouring book, Its okay to want those toys, Its okay to ask for something you don't need, Don't be hesitant one of those time they'll say yes, I promise you once they will say yes, You're so strong and I'm so grateful you kept me alive, Things don't get better but I promise I'll make us a better life.
The lights are warm and music diluted in this chaos, I'm sitting with bodies, souls of all with someone else, Surrounded by laughter and yet all I see are unshed tears, I see lovers with love for another in their eyes, I see freinds with daggers engraved in their backs, I see angry children in the body of a calm adult, I see pain of lost one's in the eyes of mouths that are laughing, I see empty smiles in filled echos of laughter, So many lonely people in crowded arms and white lies, Broken children forced to mould into adults, Oh what a world it is for; Thoughts to turn into musical chaos.
You will hope thst once jsut once I can send in a response,
One of these I'm not gonna volunteer to help, You will be awake and think of the times I did, One of these days I'm not gonna be a call away, You will call a phone thst no longer exists, One of these days I will no longer smile to make you smile, You will smile at the pictures of a joyless existence,
One of these will be my last,
You will hope jsut once you could turn back the clock,
One of these days I won't be your freind,
I will jsut be the girl they whisper about in chats,