poukii

A wandering lost soul ; follow in Instagram @irida_97

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  • poukii 27w

    Pain had elevated my soul to a higher level,
    making me to see through the realities of things.
    Wrecking ball of pain had made me so addicted to it's frequencies that, now I don't know how to live otherwise.
    I can't imagine living without it, even for a second.

  • poukii 27w

    When I was overwhelmed with the lessons I learned,
    I decided to write a book about it,
    but then I realised that, it might be even lengthier than
    Susquehanna, so I wrote a religion out of my pain.
    A religion that only few people can get the essence .
    A religion that is not based on any traditions.
    A religion that is only based on what this society calls as 'disability'.
    A religion that is open to all gender and race, irrespective of their status and nationality.
    A religion that ensures safety, security, equality and necessary support aids to everyone involved.
    A religion that is not based on any sugar-coated enchanted lies.

  • poukii 27w

    Melancholy had become my birthmark,
    making me an 'Enneagram 4w5' ; The Bohemian.
    Pain is the only factor that helped me to find out my roots.
    Pain is the only factor that is helping me to connect with people.
    It helped me to learn a lot of lessons in life,
    even more than people of my age,
    making me to question all values and beliefs
    imbibed on me.
    It made me to go through a lot of experiences that people around me couldn't relate to in anyway.

  • poukii 27w

    Pain is nothing new for me.
    I'm born out of pain.
    I will die out of pain.
    I breathe the hues of pain.
    I tense my cells with pain.
    Pain resides in each and every skin pore of me.
    Pain resides in each and every nerve endings of me.
    I don't know to measure the exact depth of it,
    as,I think it is immeasurable using all the scales that we had invented yet.
    Pain had filled my life with both joy and sorrow.
    It had given me the label of 'happily painful' soul.

  • poukii 27w

    Graffiti on the wall

  • poukii 27w

    When my phone ranged suddenly at 1:00am, I thought, again my life is going to be filled with colors.

    My long distance crush is calling me, ohh!! we are gonna to be the eternal amours.

    Never did I realised in your faceless embraces that,
    I am just another one for you.

    Never did I thought, your diamonds were made out of the grudge in blue.

    How can I forget your negging on those tremulous nights?,

    for you were my 'sweet rascal',who dipped me in the
    'Aboulomania' of frights.

    And now, in these squelching walls of auburn streets,

    I am drawing the graffiti of our savage love as streaks,

    using those wallflowers dipped in blood, from the graveyards of your memories,

    on the behalf of solitude splayed 'anhedonia',on my teeth.

  • poukii 27w

    Higher self: ohh!! you think too much about what
    other's are thinking about you, right?
    Let me ask, did any of them were there
    with you, during your sufferings?. Had
    they even asked you about how you
    are doing in your life?
    Me. : No!!, they didn't. I was hiding in my room,
    all these times. I pleaded for help, but
    was made to feel like, I don't deserve
    help.
    Higher self: So yes, do things as per your intuition.
    The first thing you need to do is to
    embrace your inner child. Accept
    yourself. Learn to differentiate between
    your true intuition and anxiety. Things
    that comes to your mind, when it is calm
    is your true intuition. Follow it, you will
    find out your life purpose, and find out
    ways to reach me. Don't listen to your
    anxiety and people around. You can
    achieve greatness, in this lifetime,if
    you learn to turn the anger into a slow fire
    Motivate yourself to fight for the right
    thing. Don't get too deep into the drama
    in life. You will surely be able to find
    Yourself.
    Me : Thank you my higher self!!!, Thanks a lot.
    (5)

  • poukii 27w

    Higher self: You will, Don't force yourself, to do things
    if you really don't want to, just because
    people of your age are doing it.
    Me. : Yes, that's my biggest fear, I swing
    constantly,from 'all or nothing',in each and
    every thing I do. Not able to work in fixed
    pace. Feel too frustrated, overwhelmed.
    That's why, I am not able to find out the
    way to reach you. I fear, I will die without
    finding out you,my higher self.
    Higher self: ohh!! I am sorry to hear that,but I am sure
    you will. You have more strength,than you
    actually think. Accept the way you are,
    don't try to change that you don't have any
    control over. Forgive yourself. You know,
    what I feel from your way of talking,
    you are highly intelligent than others
    around you, they are not able to think the
    way you think, that's why you don't have
    friends.
    Me : Seriously??!! Thank you, but yes,it is
    very difficult, because whenever I try to
    forgive myself, ' what will people think?,
    will I be gaslighted again?', keeps on
    spiralling within me, I feel too small and
    invalidated. (4)

  • poukii 27w

    Me : I wish, I was diagnosed, when I was a
    child, because I have harmed myself a lot
    without knowing all these. I wish, there
    was such a system in our schools, so that
    children like me gets the necessary
    accomodations. I wish, people get the
    fact that it not only effects boys, it can
    also effect girls and there is no such a
    particular look for it. But, when I talked
    about being different, people, even my
    parents made fun of me. I know, our
    society, doesn't likes to accept
    differences.
    Higher self: ohh!!, So you are late diagnosed. I know
    it is very difficult to find out necessary
    support. But , don't harm yourself
    anymore. Take your time. Are you
    currently having identity crisis.?
    Me. : Ohh,yes !! because here everything is for
    normal people, everything happens in
    their favour. I feel completely
    disconnected. My chronological age,
    doesn't match with age of my mind and
    soul. I feel like my mind is that of a child,
    body of an adult,and a soul that is too
    old. You know, because of this never
    did I had any friend. I am not at all able
    to find out someone like me or who
    understand my struggles. I am not at all
    able to find a balance.(3)

  • poukii 27w

    Higher self : Hmm.. yes I think you might be true,
    about Alexithymia. But, don't self
    diagnose yourself. Try to write down
    emotions. It will help you as you visit a
    therapist.
    Me : Yes, but you know, I don't even like to
    write them, because I was scared, if
    someone reads it, I will be made fun off.
    They are already calling me slow.!!
    Higher self: Hmm...you might be slow..but you have
    enough strength to walk forward. Don't
    walk back, even if you are slow. Because
    you know, you are very good in
    noticing small, small details,that makes
    you a person with expectional observation
    and pattern recognition skills. Do you
    remember the fable of 'The tortoise and
    the hare. Inspite of being too slow,
    tortoise walked steadily and reached the
    destination first.
    Me. : Yes, I remember.Still, I feel like I won't
    be able to do things as people of my age.
    They often infantalise me. I feel ashamed
    seeing them. You know, I forgot to tell you
    the important thing, I was recently
    diagnosed as neurodivergent. After all
    traumas, I got the correct labels. I have
    Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD),
    Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
    ( ADHD). (2)