"you look vulnerable, like you're about to cry anytime. give me a second," my cousin said as she attempted to take her phone out. "let me film this. i don't think anyone in this world saw you like this, so i need an evidence." we laughed.
yesterday, the day started slow; a bad dream and some thoughts that linger. sometimes i peek outside the window curtains to see if it's raining whenever i just woke, which is prolly not as effective as it should because it's easier to catch the weather when you hear its rain. but i tend not to notice at times if its drops are light so i'd need a confirmation. i'd wander which parts of the ground it patters ever so softly that there are zones you intend to observe in question, 'are you here or are you not?' the sky, just as so, is a working employee, a passionate one. and it follows only to whom by which has worthy authority, and i know only one who it listens to.
i can't deny how much of my words are too much. they're like bubbles spreading and bursting, and keeping the insides of my stomach a mess. when i was trying to sip a morning iced drink yesterday, i couldn't help but think how often i must've sounded weird and awful and things i, myself, despise have rooted into my veins. like anger. and the thing about this emotion is that sometimes it's too powerful, i lack the ability to take control of it. words like "keep it together," "calm down," "take a deep breath and let it all out," are just pain supplements to an ever inescapable feeling of wanting to wrap myself in paper towels just so i can squeeze all of it out of me. my cousin, who knows me enough but not too well ever since i was born, couldn't understand how much of my questions were popping in and out of my head but only very few slid into words like statements refusing to take commas for a pause. "can you just stop thinking for a moment," she demanded. "is this because of a he? and if it is, stop saying it doesn't make any sense to be mad." but it's true, i thought. i shouldn't be mad. i had no right to be mad because there was nothing to be mad at when there was no wrong done. i meant no harm and i meant no offense of any kind, but it felt like i needed to be slapped. "if everything was fine, then why did you get upset then? you're not okay, and it doesn't have to be logical."
i wanted to tell her that i was sorry, and although i'm a million times apologetic, i knew that she realized what i was talking about, despite the lack of knowing anything about it. not because of refusal, but i couldn't explain well. that i'm not solid all throughout, and that i am, or was, afraid to be known. "i don't know what to do because i've never seen you like this," were her words even i feared of myself too. but in these times, i had been much unfair. not just to my cousin, or to myself and to anyone who knows me only by name. but most especially to he who harnesses the sky, to whom being known isn't something that is to be scared about. and yet, sometimes the fear eats me up, i end up cursing myself. and i am afraid, i am so afraid, that the more of how messy i am is revealed, the more do i obliterate, and i'm hurting him the most.