• phoenix_luna 85w

    Oh well... Before the day runs out, happy birthday to this Sagittarius...♐

    #pod @mirakee @writersnetwork

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    My brown button eyes had lost their polish. Lost in the ocean's vastness, life had taken the wind out of my sails. Unready to accept the inevitable, that I was losing the illusion I never had to begin with, I became as one whose life was determined by the weather... Strange climates of negative feelings arresting the corners of my mind. I became wary of things that weren't and I tried to fix things that weren't broken.

    I was breaking . I lied I wasn't.

    Slowly, I watched my life ebb into a game of consequences. Every move I played turned sour, every defense was a wrong move, every step was a wrong defense and every attack was a wrong step. Until, I became a frozen pawn in a lonely, forlorn corner — stale and stuck — my center lost its footing. Without my centre,things began to fall apart

    I was lost. I lied I wasn't.

    I had sleepless nights, unanswered questions, culminated unheeded worries. I was too busy for pastimes. I couldn't avail myself the luxury of solitude and silence was too loud a noise I couldn't bear. I continually abhorred hobbies as I incessantly laid my life in comparison to others till I had at least a thousand versions of myself in clusters of others. I was committed to an unfruitful cause and every time I failed to accomplish a feat, I plunged into a destitute despair and lent my ears to whispering fears.

    I forgot to unwind... Or did I?

    And I was almost charred before I knew. I hated seconds. I dreaded minutes. I just couldn't find "my meaning" in hours that rolled by.
    My life — a concerto of varied ambivalence.

    Then it dawned on me — the world, like a motionless trance revolves in cycles of seasons, and that, like chess, sometimes, life causes us to move backwards before proceeding forward. Life makes us stale, so we can view our footing. Life makes us unbalanced, so we do not grow comfort in less. Life makes us lose, so we can crave the hungry pangs for a win. Life chastises,so we can learn from mistakes. Life gets us lost, so we can find ourselves anew. Life sets us back, for a greater comeback. Life happens, so we can happen to life.

    I finally realized:

    I needed to go blind
    So I could see the light

    I needed to be numb
    So I could feel the sting

    I needed to go dumb
    So I could discern the Voice

    I needed to go deaf
    So I could hear myself

    I needed to be alone
    So I could learn never to take for granted a good company

    I needed to be abased
    So I could learn better to abound

    I needed to hate myself
    So I could understand what loving others feels like

    I needed to be hurt
    So I could comprehend forgiveness better

    I needed to be lost
    So I could change the sail of Soul

    I needed to be sad
    So I could find happiness in the treasure chest of my inmost self

    I needed not to be
    So I could better acknowledge the reason for my being

    I needed to be sick
    So I could learn to appreciate the graceful gift of a day

    I needed to lose myself
    So I could learn never to lend clusters of myself out

    I needed to die inside
    So I could understand what having life feels like

    I needed to retreat
    So I could revive my spirit's purpose

    I needed to retract
    So I could redeem myself from chaos

    I needed to be plunged in the dark
    So I could learn to trust the shadows

    I have lived my life like a weather report, yet,I have enjoyed the blessing of true friendship, the blessed bond of family, the kindness of angels in the guise of strangers, I have learnt to spin the thread of gratitude on sullen days and I have enjoyed the greatest wealth — healthy health.
    I have lost control one too many times, I have been hurt,I have experienced pain like sitting on a bunch of needles turned upside down in a haystack...ouch!
    I contemplated suicide and coma was the best vacation I imagined, yet I have had the rare privileged of experiencing Divinity 's grace in my little paper town, I have had Providence watch over me in my many sleepless nights.
    Whene'er I look at the heavens, the sky in all her perfection and nature in all her glory— God's love signet to me.

    I have led a charmed celestial life on this mundane edifice and I am grateful for the harvest of sorrows, with ripened buds of sweetness.

    Many wonder why I bear the name "phoenix_luna"

    Like a phoenix; I have died so many times inside. Many a times I have been charred,I have made mistakes and I regretted some actions, but as I gradually learnt to redeem and collect myself from the chaos around me — in silence and solitude, with love, patience and perseverance, till I finally understood the language of letting go (a necessary unwinding tool), still balancing my core — I rebuild myself from ashes.

    I tell you, life is an endless cycle of losing and finding yourself - a puzzle piece that fits - again.

    Luna; Night is characterized by darkness and darkness is light to the moon. The moon can only be her truest self when the night is heavy with darkness. She knows there's darkness around, but she chooses to reflect beauty in the night. I am like the moon. She also has phases, whether half, full, crescent, etc. She understands the normal ebb and flow of seasonal moods, she understands when she's been too strong for long and she knows when to retract some light to herself and reflect the rest. Retract and reflect.
    Have you ever wondered why she seems to smile always? She reminds me of Pollyanna - The Glad Girl. Pollyanna didn't pretend that all was well and good, yet,she understood that good things can be carved from unpleasant situations.

    I am Luna. I am the moon reflecting the light even in my darkness.

    I am Phoenix. I get lost again and again. I am consumed by flames I lit for myself, I make mistakes, yet I learn from them and rebuild myself from ashes.

    My chi is strong. I am a warrior. I am a woman. I am a fighter. I am a victor. I am strong. I am fierce. I am a believer in everything good, glad and brave. I do not dabble in my defeat. I draw my strength from Providence's fountain. I am perfected in my weakness.

    I am a Sagittarius. I am the Archer's arrow that never misses its mark. I do not learn to survive as some mortals strive to do. I am a celestial daughter.

    I thrive... I thrive... I thrive... I thrive... I thrive... I thrive... I thrive...

    I am the white lotus that blossoms in the mud.

    I am Victoria;
    This is my letter to the world.
    ©phoenix_luna