• baddiexmegh 61w

    We never learn, do we? Because even now I hope that one day, he'd love me like I love him.

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    s c r a w l

    We often find ourselves romanticizing things which are far worse than whatever half truth that messily scrawled poems or depictions can ever convey. Anxiety is more than steering clear of crowds and biting your lip when you feel at edge. It is hours of unreasonable thinking, ugly crying in your room, underneath the cover of your blanket. It is hating yourself for wanting so much reassurance that it portrays a lack of trust that you hold within you when in reality, you just feel unworthy and wary if things go too well for a while. Anxiety is getting your heart rate spiked up whenever you have to go out all by yourself and the fear of judgement pushes you down with such a force that you bow down and curl back onto your couch, feeling like a loser. It is having thoughts barking so loud within your head that makes you feel like feeling nothing is better than feeling at all.

    Loving someone can get heavy. It can painful. It can crush you every second of the day and yet, you tell yourself what's life without a little suffering. When you love him from afar and he is like a splinter lodged into your heart. One wrong move and you're pushed down the hundreds of steps you spent half of your life climbling. At one point it gets so tough to stop the tears rolling out of eyes every other night that you just want to free yourself. You try so hard to wipe out whatever memories you have of him, how you love his smile and the way he looks at you as if you're the only person in his world. Despite knowing that you're not, a hope fluttering within you kills you over and over again and you let it, all because you don't want to lose him. All because you hope that one day he will see you as more than just a crazy sweet girl who is always around. You know better than to believe in that. You've always hated math but in this case you know for sure that the probability of your success is way closer to zero than it is to one. You now claw at your heart every other day, wanting to dig him outta your chest and all you end up with is bloodied fingers and a throbbing pain all over you.

    You smile as you write all of this in a page you would probably throw away, far from anyone's reach. You crave for freedom from every curveball life has been putting you through. What you are attempting is as complex as walking around with your throat full of pebbles and trying not to choke. The thing is, no one can ever figure out how to surf when the waves are way too tumultuous and you need not. All we need is to keep ourselves afloat. You never can tame the sea but you can eventually learn to swim.

    ©meghana27