Post birthday realisations
I have turned 24
And there is no turning back to twenty three now
Even if I try, I don't want to
There had been so many messages
From lost contacts
Who didn't know how to continue the conversation
And I guess they deserve a fair window
Through which I look at them
And see them fidgeting
And thinking what next to say
How do you even say," I am sorry but this is all I have got besides the gap that resides between our lives now"
I am detached from my own self
I see myself as another body living and functioning
Is day two of 24 supposed to feel like a miss?
Nobody who wished me yesterday has contacted me today
And perhaps that's why I hate birthdays
All this limelight and nothing remains after a day
But just broken light of fading sunset.
Maa says nobody salutes a setting sun
Maybe our birthdays are like that too.
Setting suns, stories ending and beginning all at once
Like magic candles
My birthday cake had one.
Twenty four feels like twenty three
And twenty three feels like twenty two
And I feel like a child again who needs attention?
My grandmother yesterday told me a new perspective of looking at my birth
And I am quite astonished by it
It was the day my mother went through labour
Just to let me come in a world I wasn't ready for
But then who is?
I have turned twenty four
And it feels less special and more like a slap
From a teacher who thinks I am not paying attention
But nobody is telling me where to look
Or what to feel
Or do I need to spice up my life with this new shade of lipstick that I wear
And go on in the world
With a pair of roses
And gift them to someone who has never received a flower
Should I start with myself?
I have no way to know what to do with this number
But I did put my feet in river water
And saw it flow at peace
I hope to be at peace someday
Today I am not
Today I am thinking of life at its edges where it ends
And I want to tell everyone I have met is that I love them
I am looking at the temporary life of a girl child
Who didn't know what to say to the man who thought she would change the world
But I am looking at the permanence of life too
And I want to take revenge
Postpone my doctor's appointment
And say," hey what is the symptom of turning 24?"
Maybe this time it will be different
It will end differently
On a happy note
Aren't we all floating like dead fishes through life?
But I am little more dead than others
Does that even make sense?
To die a little more than others?
I have no answers
But I know that yesterday my parents decorated the room with four balloons
And a sticker that said ,"happy birthday"
I guess that is a good enough reason to live
To know that someone will always be there, decorating the small room for you as you return
Someone who will be excited enough to call you again and again and ask why didn’t you reach yet
Someone who will order pineapple cake even when you don't ask them to
Someone who will reach specially for your birthday
Just to remind you that even if time is a line that sometimes stretches the proximity of a relationship
All you need to do is
Drive to a riverside
And sit by its side
Waiting for the sun to set
Because truth be told
Setting suns are indeed beautiful endings
And this birthday was a setting sun too