• fallen_42 8w

    Post birthday realisations

    I have turned 24
    And there is no turning back to twenty three now
    Even if I try, I don't want to
    There had been so many messages
    From lost contacts
    Who didn't know how to continue the conversation
    And I guess they deserve a fair window
    Through which I look at them
    And see them fidgeting
    And thinking what next to say
    How do you even say," I am sorry but this is all I have got besides the gap that resides between our lives now"
    I am detached from my own self
    I see myself as another body living and functioning
    Is day two of 24 supposed to feel like a miss?
    Nobody who wished me yesterday has contacted me today
    And perhaps that's why I hate birthdays
    All this limelight and nothing remains after a day
    But just broken light of fading sunset.
    Maa says nobody salutes a setting sun
    Maybe our birthdays are like that too.
    Setting suns, stories ending and beginning all at once
    Like magic candles
    My birthday cake had one.
    Twenty four feels like twenty three
    And twenty three feels like twenty two
    And I feel like a child again who needs attention?
    My grandmother yesterday told me a new perspective of looking at my birth
    And I am quite astonished by it
    It was the day my mother went through labour
    Just to let me come in a world I wasn't ready for
    But then who is?
    I have turned twenty four
    And it feels less special and more like a slap
    From a teacher who thinks I am not paying attention
    But nobody is telling me where to look
    Or what to feel
    Exhausted?
    Or do I need to spice up my life with this new shade of lipstick that I wear
    And go on in the world
    Barefoot,
    With a pair of roses
    And gift them to someone who has never received a flower
    Should I start with myself?
    I have no way to know what to do with this number
    24
    But I did put my feet in river water
    And saw it flow at peace
    I hope to be at peace someday
    Today I am not
    Today I am thinking of life at its edges where it ends
    And I want to tell everyone I have met is that I love them
    I am looking at the temporary life of a girl child
    Who didn't know what to say to the man who thought she would change the world
    But I am looking at the permanence of life too
    And I want to take revenge
    Postpone my doctor's appointment
    And say," hey what is the symptom of turning 24?"
    Maybe this time it will be different
    Happily
    It will end differently
    On a happy note
    Who knows?
    Aren't we all floating like dead fishes through life?
    But I am little more dead than others
    Does that even make sense?
    To die a little more than others?
    I have no answers
    But I know that yesterday my parents decorated the room with four balloons
    Two stars
    And a sticker that said ,"happy birthday"
    I guess that is a good enough reason to live
    To know that someone will always be there, decorating the small room for you as you return
    Someone who will be excited enough to call you again and again and ask why didn’t you reach yet
    Someone who will order pineapple cake even when you don't ask them to
    Someone who will reach specially for your birthday
    Just to remind you that even if time is a line that sometimes stretches the proximity of a relationship
    All you need to do is
    Drive to a riverside
    And sit by its side
    Waiting for the sun to set
    Because truth be told
    Setting suns are indeed beautiful endings
    And this birthday was a setting sun too