can we be friends?

“back then,
if we could have heard each
other’s voices...”

it's been a while since I last saw you;
in all honesty,
everything is going south since
I last saw you,
but a scum that I am,
I won't complain— I don't deserve to;
I've planned to cut the thread
of my disgraceful being
for a while now;

the river of guilt flows beneath me,
but the scum that I am,
I am afraid to take the leap,
and the horrible crook I am,
I blame it on you.

do you still remember when you
stood infront of me,
made signs in a language
I didn't know,
and I threw sand at your face;
I have learnt it now—
the whole sign language through
and through and
I understand that you brought
your palms together asking me
to be your friend;
it doesn't matter now,
does it?

but still, on sleepless nights,
I regret what I did to you,
and I regret being rude to you,
but the scum I am,
I speculate often what your
reaction would be if I proposed
to be your friend right now,
would you shake hands with me—
a person who bullied you,
and always made
you feel like an outsider?

the hearing aids I pulled out
from your ears and blood dripped
down to your chin;
did it hurt a lot?
will I ever be able to compensate
for the pain I've given you,
and the smiles you've given
in return, will I ever?

it's a curse probably,
that I am scared to look at the faces
of people and my only desire
and escape is to
cover my ears tight, extremely,
or maybe a frail attempt to feel how
you might have felt back then;
I mocked you
for not being able to listen,
and now I don't want to hear
anything or anyone,
but the scum I am,
if only I could hear your words
of forgiveness—
what'd I do for them,
I'd die for you to forgive me,
but what do I do to
forgive myself?

I stacked up the money from
my part-time jobs under mom's pillow,
and I'm away from home,
standing on this bridge,
at the edge of the end of
this abomination;
I can't live anymore,
I don't deserve to;

Nishimiya, I always thought you
were the dumb and
deaf one but it was always me;
me, who couldn't understand
you even when you opened your
heart to me;
me, the dumbest one,
who was too scared to tell you
what I hid inside my chest;
you, who never heard my
voice because you couldn't,
and me, a coward;
the weight on my heart is
immeasurable,
and I don't deserve to be
around anymore;
I can't see and hear people in
corridors because I feel
they're talking about me—
there goes Ishida,
the absolute worst who bullied
a girl in middle school.

do you remember the notebook
you used for communication?
I still have it, I flip the pages,
and wail for my inability
to turn back the time;
I was supposed to die today,
but the scum that I am,
I have one more selfish wish,
to see you once,
I want to make you happy,
I want to love you,

I want to hear your voice.

“...everything would
have been so much better.”

©zohiii