• zohiii 60w

    #19

    thoughts I imagine would have crossed Ishida's (Koe no Katachi) mind, while standing on the bridge, deciding whether to end it all or not.

    #character

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    can we be friends?

    “back then,
    if we could have heard each
    other’s voices...”

    it's been a while since I last saw you;
    in all honesty,
    everything is going south since
    I last saw you,
    but a scum that I am,
    I won't complain— I don't deserve to;
    I've planned to cut the thread
    of my disgraceful being
    for a while now;

    the river of guilt flows beneath me,
    but the scum that I am,
    I am afraid to take the leap,
    and the horrible crook I am,
    I blame it on you.

    do you still remember when you
    stood infront of me,
    made signs in a language
    I didn't know,
    and I threw sand at your face;
    I have learnt it now—
    the whole sign language through
    and through and
    I understand that you brought
    your palms together asking me
    to be your friend;
    it doesn't matter now,
    does it?

    but still, on sleepless nights,
    I regret what I did to you,
    and I regret being rude to you,
    but the scum I am,
    I speculate often what your
    reaction would be if I proposed
    to be your friend right now,
    would you shake hands with me—
    a person who bullied you,
    and always made
    you feel like an outsider?

    the hearing aids I pulled out
    from your ears and blood dripped
    down to your chin;
    did it hurt a lot?
    will I ever be able to compensate
    for the pain I've given you,
    and the smiles you've given
    in return, will I ever?

    it's a curse probably,
    that I am scared to look at the faces
    of people and my only desire
    and escape is to
    cover my ears tight, extremely,
    or maybe a frail attempt to feel how
    you might have felt back then;
    I mocked you
    for not being able to listen,
    and now I don't want to hear
    anything or anyone,
    but the scum I am,
    if only I could hear your words
    of forgiveness—
    what'd I do for them,
    I'd die for you to forgive me,
    but what do I do to
    forgive myself?

    I stacked up the money from
    my part-time jobs under mom's pillow,
    and I'm away from home,
    standing on this bridge,
    at the edge of the end of
    this abomination;
    I can't live anymore,
    I don't deserve to;

    Nishimiya, I always thought you
    were the dumb and
    deaf one but it was always me;
    me, who couldn't understand
    you even when you opened your
    heart to me;
    me, the dumbest one,
    who was too scared to tell you
    what I hid inside my chest;
    you, who never heard my
    voice because you couldn't,
    and me, a coward;
    the weight on my heart is
    immeasurable,
    and I don't deserve to be
    around anymore;
    I can't see and hear people in
    corridors because I feel
    they're talking about me—
    there goes Ishida,
    the absolute worst who bullied
    a girl in middle school.

    do you remember the notebook
    you used for communication?
    I still have it, I flip the pages,
    and wail for my inability
    to turn back the time;
    I was supposed to die today,
    but the scum that I am,
    I have one more selfish wish,
    to see you once,
    I want to make you happy,
    I want to love you,

    I want to hear your voice.

    “...everything would
    have been so much better.”

    ©zohiii