So if you have these kinds of thoughts running around, just go to sleep, maybe you are sleep deprived like was.. When I wrote it without posting. Now I just feel thirsty. No more thoughts. Give it a try
What died before death Were the words embedded Inside the melancholic heart They were caged and Deprived of vitality Some floated in deep Empty eyes seeking solace Their desire to be read and Heard vanished in a jiffy Words went silent only to be remembered
I existed. But not as a woman. As if being a woman was a crime, something shameful. That needed to be hidden. A secret. It started with the need to cover myself. I needed to hide my body. I cut my hair. I needed to look manly. Gave up lotions and creams... who needs soft skin. In gestures I screamed... see... I do not exist. I am just a human. Not a woman. Accept me please. I'm confident like you, I dress up in trousers and t shirts. I too don't cry, I bottle up my feelings. My desires, I deny. I don't dance. I don't sing. I earn. Material needs, I fulfill. I'm just a human, trying to be a man. I'm not a woman. Please understand. We never empowered our women. Empowering would've meant helping them accept their femininity and come out and celebrate being a woman. Even in their empowerment, women have been duped. We've been taught to become manly... in order to be heard and seen.
I love someone but he has enemies, I wait for him to say something wrong so I could be one. He knows I'm a pause you take when you think about something you can't remember. I tell him, "I'm sorry I forget to love you" but I'm enough even though you won't hold me. Yet, I promise, I'll write about you when I'll lose you.
You make me sad. And I'm not the one who likes to blame someone for my miseries. But you really do make me feel so worn out. Like I'm fighting an uphill battle with every breath. Like I'm struggling to love myself. Every moment that I'm with you, I wish I wasn't there. I wish I could run away somewhere. I see a pot of boiling sewage above your head. It spills and keeps you drenched. And I struggle to smile through the stench. You make me sad. Very very sad. Hopless about my existence and helpless about my life. I feel worthless despite my achievements, because no matter how much I try, it's never enough for you to say, even for once... that I am your pride. You make me sad. I feel unlovable. Invisible. Yet I try to love you. Because I know, only broken people break others.
Things had grown strange. One day I was so in love with you... the very next, you felt like an obligation. Something I couldn't abandon, only because I was considerate of your emotions. One day I'd find myself praying and fighting for this love. Staying up all night, crying and cursing... struggling with silences and words. The very next day, I l'd wake up cold and callous. Pulling away, not just from you... but anything and everything, that'd serve as a reminder that I have a heart too. One day I'd find myself holding a firm resolution that I belong to you and no one else. That I shall wait for you... until the end of eternity, if needed. The very next day, I'd find myself longing to fall in love again, with someone else. The constant push and pull, the ambivalence and uncertainty of us... had taken a toll on this love. I had started to find myself being content without you. Maybe numb. But for sure, not longing, not hurting as much as I used to. I had surrendered. Finally bowed down. And started to give myself reasons to have a life without you. For months, I had been trying to teach myself, the art of letting go... and finally the results had begun to show.