parac0sm

i sat with my rage long enough until she told me her real name was 'Grief'

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  • parac0sm 12w

    Kabhi Tumhe Yaad Meri Aaye
    Itni Si Baat Samajh Jaana
    Phir Se Milunga Main Tumko Wahin
    Raah Se Meri Guzar Jaana

  • parac0sm 12w

    "What is the night sky, if not a cemetery? Aren't all the stars we see already dead? I guess that's the reason why I'm so mesmerized by the beauty of the sky. Everything that reeks of grief intrigues me."
    ©parac0sm

  • parac0sm 12w

    I have always been selfish, love. Even when you said you felt like dying, all I could think about was, "Oh but then what will happen to me?"
    ©parac0sm

  • parac0sm 14w

    Some of my favourite song lines

    1. And if someday you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be, thinking maybe you'll come back to the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of our street.

    2. But I know, once in a while we will find, the sound of your heartbeats with mine, and when it's time, I'll leave the ocean behind.

    3. Just let me go we'll meet again soon, now wait wait wait for me, please hang around, I'll see you when I fall asleep.

    4. It will take a while to make you smile, somewhere in these eyes, I'm on your side.

    5. Fridge light washes this room white, moon dances over your good side, this was all we used to need.

    6. Oh love, let me see inside your heart, all the cracks and broken parts, these shadows in the light, there's no need to hide.

    7. But I'm only human, and I bleed when I fall down, I'm only human, and I crash and I break down, your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then i fall apart cause I'm only human.

    8. And if my heart should somehow stop, I'll hang on to the hope that you're not too late, That you're not too late, And there are times I know when I will have to chase you, The further from my side you go the longing grows

    9. Cracks won't fix and the scars won't fade away, I guess I should get used to this The left side of my bed's an empty space, I remember we were strangers, So tell me what's the difference, Between then and now, And why does this feel like drowning?

    10. When you hurt under the surface, Like troubled water running cold, Well, time can heal but this won't, So, before you go, Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather.

    11. You kept everything inside and even though I tried, It all fell apart, What it meant to me will eventually Be a memory of a time when I tried so hard I tried so hard and got so far, But in the end it doesn't even matter, I had to fall to lose it all, But in the end it doesn't even matter

    12. Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored? Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore? We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep There are things that we can have, but can't keep.

  • parac0sm 16w

    "it's like screaming but realising your voice isn't loud enough for anybody to hear."

    ~when asked what mental illness is like

  • parac0sm 16w

    "It's not that I feel myself falling apart.
    I was already apart. I came in pieces.
    And each time someone stepped on the
    rug of my door for the very first time,
    I believed they'd be the one who will hold
    me so tight in their lovable embrace that
    all those pieces would just come together
    and stick to each other forever. But nobody
    ever even came close to knocking the door.
    It was the pain of knowing that which I had
    to live with for most of my life"
    ©parac0sm

  • parac0sm 17w

    Borderline Talks Back

    They said she was made of fire.
    And she said, I am quick to anger, but it is because all of the colors inside of me turn to rage when they are silenced.
    They said emotional dysregulation.
    And she said, my mood is a temperamental ocean enormous and pulled in infinite directions.
    They said marked impulsivity—an inability to regulate responses to stimuli.
    And she said, when everything is an emergency, it is impossible to prepare for disaster.
    They said frequent suicide gestures, gesture as in the physicality of speech.
    Just as the poem demonstrates that which has no words, so do the injuries illustrate that which is unimaginable.
    They said a pattern of violent relationships.
    And she said, my ocean loves just as deep as it hates. My ocean buries its history and vomits it up on the shore, the sea glass soft as my apologies.
    They said difficult to treat.
    She said, how do you disentangle the roots from a tree? How do you uncurl a bonsai from its contortions even when it knows it will not live long this way? How do you learn to stop hurting yourself when it is the closest you’ve come to being quiet?
    They call me borderline like an insult, but I know how it feels to be limitless. Women who feel in extremes are taught to be quiet about our grief, are taught control, contortion, a bonsai bent into impossible positions. The contortionist curls herself into a glass box. Look how small she can become. Watch how her bones turn to cartilage. And when she disappears entirely, all around the doctors gasp as if they did not intend to make her this way.
    They call me borderline because I am the border between extremes. My highs are helium, my lows a skydive. The borderlines that climb my skin speak of nights I did not know how to feel this much—inhibition of my own grief. I curl myself into a glass box, but I do not fit. My ocean salt spills out around me.
    In 1993, Marsha Linehan develops dialectical behavior therapy as the radical acceptance of two extreme opposites. I am learning to be at once the storm and the lake, the sea glass and the broken bottle. I am learning how to feel without forcing myself to drown.

  • parac0sm 17w

    "The deeper you are, the emptier you feel. And more it takes to make you feel something. Cause no matter what happens, you feel absolutely nothing at all."

  • parac0sm 17w

    i have nothing left of me anymore
    cause i broke myself and gave the pieces to you
    and now i hate you
    but i lost me long ago
    and i'd say it's all because of you
    but that is so not true
    cause baby there's nobody else i'd love
    if i still had a heart to love you
    and now i'm drowning drowning
    but you're the water
    it doesn't hurt to not breathe
    cause you're all that matters
    but i have no part of me left anymore
    cause i broke myself and gave it all to you
    and then you left so now i hate you
    but what the hell do i do
    now that you're here and i'm still in love with you
    ©parac0sm

  • parac0sm 18w

    The best I've written so far ��

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    "I have no idea where to go from here."
    "—Me neither." *Sips tea*