You don't lose people in screams and shouting. You lose people in silence and secrets,what kills you is when you have a storm inside, a million things to say, but you say good night and go to sleep,hurt and broken. You feel like "Why should I say it?" Can't you see I am dying here ? How can you not see the pain in my eyes and feel the tears in my voice ?", that suffocation in each breath shreds you into pieces,when you think" What was my fault ? I gave is so much. I gave you everything. How can you?". That helplessness when you want to cry out loud in the middle of the night after not getting any answers,yet again. Its hell when someone you love so much hurts you as if it meant nothing. You replay all the happy moments, the talks and the promises, trying to fool yourself that maybe you are over reacting. Maybe, it's just a bad dream. But the truth slaps you into misery soon,you realize the betrayal is real. You accept that the pain will stay. You will learn to smile with dry eyes.
It's been months now and scientists are still in the search for a COVID-19 vaccine and the number of cases are increasing daily. To make it more worse, Our Stars too will never intersect again. I hope you are doing good out there and to be honest I am in peace as well.I haven't been writing it for a while as it will hardly make any difference now. Everything has came back to normal. People around me resist to take your name anymore. It wasn't easy to be this much tactful in handling everything that I have went through.You know half the story but my pillow knows the value of my broken smile. We cannot put ourselves on time machine and get back to what we used to be. You have been completely faded from my wishlist. Gone are those days, "When someone holds a door for you" or "Someone used to put wet cloth on your forehead when you have fever". I have no amount of love left to offer you. The only thing that will stick up with me for the years to come will be the privacy of us. I have never exploited you for whatever we had in past. I have always belived in an idea that good people can be toxic too, depends on how you built that relationship. I cut all ties of forever that I have once dreamt with you. The little trips to long drives. Bleeding through poetry, I have penned every toxicity that you have left within me. I realized I never belonged around your arms, your aura. It has always dragged me down. If I relate, I have been an Ocean who constantly tried to make an efforts to reach at you where you, Moon just loves the idea of being loved. I undo all the Vows. I am reincarnating all my broken pieces to be much stronger than before with an assurance that until next time, I will take Hope as a Hope. I am on a road to chase new desires and even if I catch you in the middle. Darling, I won't waste time on having a second thought. I will Overtake you.
@my_cup_of_poetry Sakshi I ain't a liar but lazy and congratulations for that 25th July,2019 post :")
To - A Despairing Love
You said that I have an ego problem. You said that it wasn't love. And then I try to run away from you as there was no option left for me to stay. I threw the keys of my room. I switched off myself emotionally.Still I didn't get rid of all the anxiety that runs on my veins like rollarcoaster. Soon I realized that the actual problem was I ran on a circular track and I always ended up reaching to you. Funny right !? I put on my earphones in front of you but little did you know I have muted the audio as my ears were against anything that resists your voice to let in. I scratch the lines of my hand, I pulled my ears, I bang my head on walls. It wasn't the tap running in the bathroom, if I tell you, you would cry too. I barely had that kind of light left within me which used to pump me up and let me do everything I ever dreamt of. I need one more shot right at the centre so that the home we made once gets completely destroyed. I am running out of caffeine and time. I put my dignity naked on the floor and you walk barefoot on it as if you never gave a shit about it. It was the time I realized it was all toxic from the very start when it turned me blue. But I was too late. Too late to realize that other hands won't give me the same warmth. Too late to realize that I destroyed 'us'. But not too late to reconstruct it better than before. You have to understand this simple equation. No matter how much I try, I just can't unlove you. This trying has damaged me to the core and I have done making me suffer by both means.
A : Hey! It's been so long Rahul. I have been calling you since a very long time. Where exactly were you hidden ? (Smirks)
ME : Haha, I have been searching for cupid with a gun in my hand. (grins)
A : Cupid ? But Why !? Is it because your Love story hasn't reached an exclamation mark ? Sorry for being a little blunt.
ME : Haha It's all okay. Well Her cells repel me and...umm that's it. (With a numb face)
A : I didn't get it !? What do you mean !?
ME : She doesn't feel the same for me. And she told me this . But there is one more thing to it. I have been constanly loving her since then without saying those three words. I put everything on lines. Yes, My life too. And aftermath comes out to be "Her cells repel me". Still I find Hope even if it is a little bit cause if there wasn't any hope there won't be this me. I am afraid of the guy I see in my dream. Yes, the one who portrays the future me. So With some knowledge of Science I keep on searching for dead cells in her, From where I can dwell through poetry or through any kind of thing and directly shoot to the core of heart.
A : I heard some of your friends saying "You don't show up to them". Where had you been all these days !? Don't you stay at Home !?
ME : Home.... I stay at Home Daily. Daily, I enter that Home a little, Daily I realize that I am just a guest in that Home. I don't want that feeling. I don't want to be her Favourite Temporary. Even if it's a Temporary Permanent kinda thing. I will accept that.
A : Today I realized what love can do to a 20 years old boy..
ME : Haha.. It either stains or brings colour to your life. But Most Importantly It makes him a Man.
A : Will you ever come out of this trauma if she left you forever !?
ME : Umm.. Yeah. Obviously I will get out of depression sooner or later. It's just like going into a war. You fight there.You either win or lose. And at the end of day you come back, No matter if you are still alive or ...(deep silence) Dead
A : It's quite tough for me to actually face you after so much of what happened with you in past.
M : No, it's totally okay. I Have to be here for everyone and more Importantly for myself.
A : (smiles) So How is your health now. Everything's good ?
M : Yeah, I am all okay. Every organ is working quite well than before. I have shut down some load from my heart. I have kept it for beating purpose only now ( Grins )
A : Any Regrets ?
M : Do you keep any regrets after watching any dream that turns out to be a nightmare in the end ? (Laughs) Look, as we don't have control over our dreams when we are asleep same is when it comes to feelings or emotions. We only regret when we have done something wrong. So, No regrets.
A : What exactly happened with you last month ?
M : It felt like as someone is celebrating Diwali in the month of April and that too inside my body. And the worst part is noone noticed the sound of blast that happened within me. Everything fall apart. I still don't have any clue if my heart survived in that event. But anyhow, I am still alive in medical terms. ( smile)
A : Anything you miss the most ?
M : Myself. That was the only cure I had for this trauma. To be who I am. To look and move on from things the way I supposed to do. But this was no less than a nuclear war and I lost myself and my vision of living life.
A : I can't find the same charm in your eyes I used to do. What have you done with yourself ?
M : I haven't done anything with myself. I already told you I have lost the real me, the one I used to be somewhere in this cruel world.
I am curious about that one person who is in your most frequently contact list now. As by now, I have been retired from that block cause I guess I have been too old enough to maintain that same pace to match up there. There are lot of things that has been replaced. Isn't it ? I have been completely extinct from your speed dial too and as a matter of fact that I am no longer an emergency number that I have always been. It's as painful as a courtmarshall, trust me. And you have always been the one to admire. You have that talent to make people fall in love with you. And why would they not ? You got such a beautiful face and soul. But I wish you have one more talent and that is too make people "Fall out" for you. It's kinda a hectic and most toughest thing to do all alone. I miss you and I don't want to explain or elaborate these three words, I will keep it that simple only. I know there is someone else who would make you realize that you are his 'other half'. And here I would simply sit back smiling at you cause you know for me you were already whole. You are the most beautiful thing that happened to me, I never knew what it was to love someone selflessly. I used to laugh when I see people doing crazy stuffs for their beloved one's around me. You put the purest form of zeal in our relationship, You never asked me to do anything for you that was beyond the limits of our relation. But I did it on a purpose. I did it cause I want too. I did it cause that is what makes me happy. I did cause I never had done that before. I did cause I was in love with you. I never blamed on you that you couldn't help me out when we got seperated and parted our ways. No one could see that I was bleeding. And that is because I was bleeding dry. I am no more a believer of a superpower that controls us from above but still I pray that you get every inch of love that you deserve and which I have always on my cards for you to offer from someone whom you admire, who brings back the most beautiful part of your back to life again.
P.S - I..I will still be there. Everywhere. Even in the air you will breathe. I am gonna love you darling till all stars die.
Even if I would suffer from amnesia, I won't forget the touch of your fingertips ever. Your voice will still beats my eardrums on a repeat mode, 20 years from now, I would walk down to you, As if you were the only home, I Wished to grow old in.
You were ended up with someone new, Like you always told me that one day you would do. I have been waiting for you with lillies in my hand, Cause I have scribbled it on the last letter I wrote to you. 20 years from now, I would let you read all the poetries, That I penned down after you left me with your million hues.
It would be hard to take this arrow, That you are having someone's else last name. But, less than that we are not anymore the same. 20 years from now, No matter If I would be an asthma patient, I would still let you rest your head over my chest, And with wrinkled lips kiss your forehead, Like old lovers do.
With only ruins left, I would talk about all those unfinished lines I said to you. With wrinkled lips uttering your name with spark in my eyes, I would hope you put your lipbalm on them. 20 years from now, I would still ask you the same question, By gulping down all the pain inside.
The poetries I write now, Don't smell like lavender anymore. Those letters are losing their charm Like fallen stars.
I drank the potion of depression, And danced in the court of pain. I derive my fears, And calculate insecurities by myself.
I wonder how broken I feel sometimes.. Yet, Words seize my heavy heart.. ~instead of bleeding !!
The allegations burning out'o people's lips Cut holes in my cadaver.
But, I'm not weak like them sooks ! I held the pieces of my silhouette, From falling apart and scattering away..into time.
I now, still visit hearts But don't promise them a voice. ( I can't ) 'Cause I'm a metaphor, that soon might turn into ashes..! The pages in my diary are stale and cold-hearted. I tried to warm them up. Yes, but there always were 'people' to turn off the warm flame of love.
I once felt an urge to define HAPPINESS, But, it messed my emotions up.. And explained PAIN.
Then came books to my rescue. They made me a self-explanatory soul, rather than the desolate dregs devoid of hope. They painted my heart in a beautiful shade of Grey, Such lovely is the hue... That the living souls see it almost 'scarlet' . Embedded with Amethyst.
Now, I only pray.. That someday, somehow, These punctuations and these alliterations ( And the smiles-and-tears accompanying them ) Hopefully will Sharpen you and lead to the valiant realization.
The realization ~~ Of my sacrifices for you. Of my love for you.
No, don't get me wrong. It's not that you don't care, I know that. But, you stopped worrying, afterall.
The clock strucks three And I silently walk up to my mother ; I tell her that I wish to write a book, a tragedy where I would name the protagonist Anna. And Anna won't grow her hair long for a prince to fall in love. My heroine would kill a king , pin his head on to a wall, weave a tiara out of his blood soaked hair and sip wine in strange cities. I tell her that my mind isn't a quiet place, that I still scribble poetries at midnight and more than his paintings, Van Gogh's death inspires me. I bend a little closer and reach her ears to whisper that her love keeps barking at me , asking me to not fall in love. And that noise doesn't let me sleep. I am awake since ages.
The alarm clock rings and I wake up ; Six in the morning And I find her awake : My mother!
The last time a girl fell in love , she grinned like a two year old child . Then she chanted your name in loops and you rested between her lips like a nursery rhyme, never to be forgotten.
The last time you asked that girl to leave , she started burying parts of herself that were in love until she realised that it was all of her. So then she turned into cold graveyard.
The last time a girl fell out of love a woman was born. A woman who laughed like a lioness and cried like rebellion. A woman who was a walking revolution with her bangles jinggling in the announcement of war. Fear , she carried it beneath her feet.
The last time fear escaped a woman's being, a mother was born. And she looked like that temple of devotion where you could only bow down and pray like a devotee.
// There's no turning back in the life of a woman //
" .....and she left me " " Did you eat, Shahbaz? " " No I don't feel like " " Okay let me tell you a story. Odysseus lost a bunch of his friends during Trojan war. They were eaten by monsters. He along with his remaining friends on their return journey through sea didn't have anything to eat. After days of struggle they reached an island where they cooked food and got their stomach full." " And you know what they did next ? ", I added. " What? " , he asked with a childlike curiosity almost forgetting his tears. " They cried bitterly for their friends " " You are such a literature nerd. You can never say things directly. I am going to eat " , and I felt his faint smile through the cellular device.
● Dusk of August, 2019 ●
" Why did you stop writing? " " I don't feel like writing anymore, Shahbaz " " What happened to the girl who wanted her stories to change the world. Everything changed just because a guy like me stopped responding. Why do you love me so much " " You know Kamala Das is one of my favourite poetess. At sixty five she fell in love with a Muslim guy and converted to Islam for him. She started remaining behind veil thereafter. But before death she stated that sometimes strength is about surrendering yourself to a thing you never thought you can and yet what she did , she regreted because according to her no man deserved that , not even the one she loved most " " Why did you go silent " , I added. " You haven't changed. "
Sometime back a friend told me that World War III memes are trending on social media. I didn't know how to react to that. And I don't know how one can laugh about wars.
All I know is that I see a man limping and struggling to walk along the roads of my university campus everyday while passers by keep mocking about the way his one leg is. That man is my history professor who told us in the first lecture that he lost his one leg during Kargil War. Is sensitivity a forgotten art? I hope and pray it's not. There's NOTHING funny about a war. Understand. And grow up.
Fall in love, yes do. When you are Eighteen, nineteen or ninety For " n " number of times Fall in love Along the corridors Of a college library, Or in a strange city Or around a new alley, Or in a wornout park Anywhere and Everywhere Fall in love Easily and quickly.
Sneak into an abandoned Corner holding hands , Sail your lips upon his Behind a Sycamore tree, Let him make a voyage round your being , Your hills and your valleys And you trace the map of a world he carries under his robes.
Thereafter when he waves a Goodbye, you smile and say goodbye too.
Don't become Sylvia Plath in love, never make poetries for him, don't write an elegy when he departs, okay? Try not to become Frida Kahlo In love either, don't paint tears In your canvas when he starts unwrapping another woman.
Ah, fall in love I say Just don't make him an art you know, Coz my professor says Art out lives all, Art is immortal. So in that case he would continue to live in you while you die!