some notes from personal diary

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  • mrrajain 1w

    The control I gained
    The friends I lost

    The time I earned
    The trust I forgo

    The solitude I yearned
    The laughs I passed

    The profit-loss I calculated
    Aren't enough to fill the void.

    The movies I watched
    The music I listened

    The books I read
    The things I said

    The debts I settled
    The sins I committed

    The wealth I acquired
    The health I exhausted

    The memories I saved
    The moments I lived

    The relations I established
    Aren't enough to fill the void.

    The mistakes I planned
    The lessons I learnt

    The joints I smoked
    The habits I formed

    The wises I followed
    The fools I ignored

    The gods I denied
    The philosophies I subscribed

    The nights I slept
    The emotions I felt
    Aren't enough to fill the void.

    The void isn't fancy
    It's very human
    It appears to be temporary
    And I know it's mine
    But it feels like adversary.

    #sometimes #smiling #is #hard. #nothing #is #enough #to #fill #the #void.


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    The void


  • mrrajain 4w

    अपने गलत को कैसे सही बोलूँ
    पर गलत भी नहीं बोला जा रहा

    सही गलत धुंधला सा रहा है
    खुदा दिख तो रहा है
    पर वो खुद सा
    क्यों नज़र आ रहा है।

    बुरे होंगे वो लोग
    पर उन सा ईमानदार कहाँ
    खोए वो भी हैं
    और मालूम उनको भी है
    प्यार मिलता कहाँ।

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  • mrrajain 4w

    खुद से नज़र छुपाने के लिऐ
    घर के सारे आइने तोड़ दिए

    कुछ कमबख़्त नज़रें ऐसी मिली
    और दिख गई वो सूरत
    बरसों से जो थी छुपी।

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  • mrrajain 7w

    These silent poems exchanging between us are without words.
    These 1000 questions with infinite answers are killing me.

    Save me save my belief
    You can be the one
    And only you can be the one

    I don't wanna use Big words
    And you have left me wordless

    Life had a little bit chance before me
    Now one can't see another hope

    I am literally out of words
    Either kill yourself for me
    So I can believe
    You never existed
    Show me the one
    Whom everyone is looking for

    #someone #show #me #the #light #before #its #too #late

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  • mrrajain 9w

    Still confused, right?
    Ask me what I haven't tried.

    Uber and Ola failed to drop me there
    Flipkart and Amazon failed to buy it
    Google and Wikipedia failed to search it
    Tinder and Bumble failed to match it
    Netflix and prime failed to dramatize it
    Bukowski and Slyvia failed to to convey it
    Swiggy and Zomato failed to deliver it

    I asked the writers
    Where do they find it
    They had no answers for me
    They said we use imagination
    But can I trust their fiction?

    For a while, I believed them
    It was all a big scam

    Why can't they just say
    What it is
    And not what they want it to be

    Isn't it just Sex wrapped
    In a beautiful cover?

    What about feelings and emotions?
    You can blame me for being Robot
    In defense, I tried being human
    And I am tired now.

    Is love like god
    Present but unproveable

    There is no address for him
    Though one can visit temples

    There is no physical form
    One can burn candles

    There is no understanding at all
    One can pray not to fall.

    Don't confuse my rant for begging
    Maybe it's something
    I am lacking
    Or maybe it's all fantasy

    Should I look for more testaments?
    Well! I guess have seen it all
    Don't have stomach left for
    More disappointments.

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    Love 2


  • mrrajain 9w

    Don't know who you are
    Have heard many blabbering about you

    Encyclopedia and books painted you
    All black and white
    None of that clicked
    My feelings weren't right

    Either you enslave
    Or let me be your master
    Don't know what else is there
    Can we please wrap it faster?

    Want to believe that
    I don't need you
    How bad can it get
    If I just delete you?

    Nothing makes me more sick
    Than such conundrums
    Let's make a deal
    Take away all my questions
    And I will forget
    How it feels

    Wait! How about loving yourself?
    Again! Not sure about that either
    I only want to live
    Remain alive without you

    #love #the #most #abused #word

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    Love 1


  • mrrajain 9w

    I Want something
    But you Need something Else

    I Lust for Understanding
    But you Crave for Food, Sleep and Sex

    I Scrape time for Knowledge
    But you Waste it on Taste, Pleasures and Recreation

    I Acknowledge you dear
    But I don't really Know you

    I can see your Itch for things
    But Are these really Essential for me?

    I had allowed you to Enjoy at times
    But you Ache for More and never Satisfy

    My stay here is a Thread of Days
    But you come alive Daily with Fresh needs

    Should I Trust you?
    Your Demands are so Temporary

    Definitely your Pleasures are Powerful
    But Why aren't they Permanent?

    I am Looking for something Constant
    I am Tired of this Momentariness

    How Could I Comprehend you?
    If I keep Serving you

    How Can I Explore the Other side
    When you are Keeping me Busy

    You pretty much Work through Evolutionary Algorithms
    You are Limited by Chemicals

    You Are my Part dear
    But I Feel I am More than Genes and Hormones

    Either you Sush Me
    Or Speak Louder
    We Can't Remain in this Dilemma for Long.

    #why #there #are #2 #sides?

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    My Body


  • mrrajain 9w

    I don't know but it felt like writing
    There is something which needs to come out
    It's not that I am good with words
    But this lust to vent it out
    To left my mark somewhere, anywhere.
    It's not weed speaking but a new toxin this time

    These writing spells are like random mutations
    A windy night amidst warm summer
    A disease from a foreign land

    But the Inbox is full now
    Some msgs need to be discarded
    Others will be archived here
    Spam as always will be ignored and burned

    No wonder, msgs from Sex is quite repetitive here
    That's the second most liked and hated word
    All feelings in attachment here are of self help
    Many are tagged as satisfaction
    Rest were out of desperation
    These mails will keep coming for some more time
    Better categorise them with Zomato-hunger

    To be honest I don't want to write
    If write then definitely not publish
    There is already lot of wisdom, pain, happiness and help out there
    Don't want to create more trash

    Maybe! Maybe! Not everything is trash
    But most of it is, for me atleast
    And it's hard to filter
    Can't do much with just 24 hours
    2 hands and one brain

    Who am I kidding
    Aren't you another me
    Hoping and finding answers
    Chemicals if not answers
    Puzzled, confused in this wanderland
    Wasting time and energy

    Ok! Time for agree to disagree
    My spams are your bread and butter
    Your archives are my gems.

    #and #here #i #am #publishing #again

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    I should write now


  • mrrajain 9w

    I was happy when
    Hormones weren't active

    It felt like freedom when
    Friendship meant fun

    Dreams were wanted when
    They were mine

    Streets were uncrowded when
    Gender didn't exist

    Nights were for sleep when
    I waited for my dreams

    Everything has changed now
    Anxiety has replaced the moon in nights

    Streets appear empty now
    But can't avoid the females in sight

    Some dreams now are bearable
    But I am not alone in there anymore

    There is some free time now
    But it's mostly me and thoughts

    Most goals are realized now
    But lots of understanding is missing

    A space has been carved now like home
    But it's mostly me, music and books sitting there

    The fridge now is full with drinks and food
    But an unknown thirst has taken over

    They say we want what we lack for
    But when did I ask for these changes

    They say time heals
    Only if they know how it feels

    A lot of weed has grown in the garden
    No option left but to smoke it and
    Pretend living the life it was.

    #the #burden #of #unwanted #dreams

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  • mrrajain 17w

    Everyone wants you to be happy
    But according to their subjective definition (of word)

    No one wants you to feel bad
    But according to their subjective definition

    We all are seeking love
    But according to our subjective definitions

    We pray to God and he/she/it replies to us
    But according to our subjective definitions

    We demand freedom
    But according to our subjective definitions

    We want to bring peace
    But according to our subjective definitions

    We want relationships
    But according to our subjective definitions

    Confused now I am
    How to be happy,
    Not to be sad,
    Love you,
    Pray and wait for grace,
    Free us,
    Make peace,
    and talk to you

    Why don't we shut up and relax
    But according to my subjective definitions?

    Isn't language a funny thing
    Created out of fear
    Now conveying our msgs of love


    #another #funny #story #of #life

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