mmbftd

My words my photography my identity.

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  • mmbftd 9w

    Daddy

    I understand now
    Your fear
    Your cowardice
    The way you violently
    Kept us in line
    To make yourself feel important.
    And I've been your sounding board, since I was four years old. I was a wise child even then, because I had to be, to survive your rule.
    Now, even after your coma and near death sequence miraculously gave you more chances to live again ...
    You change nothing
    You have always been a liar
    A manipulative man
    Seeking out sympathy from your daughter before she could even ride a bike.
    Your marital strife, was a saga you versed me in.
    Now, you are almost 90. Ancient. Their should be wisdom acquired by now, but there are only more lies, more boiling hatred for anyone around you who thinks for themselves. Because you are a follower, begrudgingly. You do it to be a martyr. For sympathy.
    But I've none for you old man. I'm to blame. I've coddled you my entire lifetime and I've suffered from it. You never stood up for me, never got to know me, never heard me or cared to question anything. Your weakness sickens me. Have you never been grateful for anything?
    You tell me how you and mom fantasize about how much better your lives could've been if you hadn't had us kids. With glee you told me this! Even if it's true...why speak it? You want me to know that you are sorry we exist?
    We never asked to be here, under your thumbs, manipulated and diminished by your violent outbursts of fists and screams.
    I used to watch you beat my dog through the window. Horrified and terrified and all at once grateful it was not me in that moment. But I loved my dog so much. He was my one spot of joy. You hurt him. You hurt me through him. You planted seeds of terror in my soul. Your eyes black like hollow holes of rage. I could not save my dog, nor myself. You were my father, the secret monster. Smiles and songs for strangers, jokes and laughter to draw them in.
    And then other times you made me sing. Trained me to be your partner in ways my mother could not. You wanted to be famous. You wanted adoration above all else. You still do. And when I was little I sang and thought we sang together for the joy of song. The purity of harmony filling the air around us. But I was your monkey. You fooled me. You pretended to know me. As I tried my best to communicate with you through song.
    I'm so angry all this time later. Mostly at myself. For not seeing through you sooner.
    You created a jester that only a child would accept.
    I kept your secrets because you told me your life depended on them. I grew up angry at a mother you made into my enemy, with your lies. Your groomed me to be your soldier, your mascot, your shield against her.
    And even now, with your second chance at a valuable life...you cannot step into a life lived with integrity.
    You can only brag, about yourself incessantly.
    Old man, I loved you so, idolized you, took punches for you, gave you so much of my time and protection. Above my own life, I cared for yours.
    You are a bad man.
    You are on your own now.
    I can't save anyone but myself now.
    And you'll not even notice me gone.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 13w

    Go

    I'm weary
    And I am free
    No posterity to worry about.
    I have a choice.
    Most do not.
    Fate led me to this freedom
    Never having children.
    I see headlines, scripted
    Injecting fear as they inject
    Unknown concoctions
    Into your babies.
    I am hurting for you.
    Your choice and theirs has been
    Stolen.
    Your body is no longer your own.
    Logic no longer stands.
    You say you got protected, yet you need protection from others who are not yet protected.
    Does this make sense?
    I am only an observer.
    I'm in a unique position. I have been in a subconsciously self-imposed quarantine for years now. I do not leave my home. Ever. Agoraphobia is the contagion's neighbor.
    And so, I spectate and speculate.
    And I'm not that woman that blindly trusts, not for many years now.
    I can understand both sides. I believe in autonomy. I believe you should choose for yourself. As adults. But now your children? Where do you draw the line? They are your most important beautiful creations. Your absolute responsibility to care and protect.
    You must begin to follow reason. Admit that something is not right here anymore. It's been this way a long while now. White sun instead of yellow, air no longer clear, sky no longer blue. Mandela no longer dead nor alive.
    Simulation of what we once were.
    You think me irrational, crazy even. Perhaps you are right if I get measured by today's standards. But I am not from this place. I was of the before. Where now their are only simulated shadows puppeteering existence. But much like children getting all the answers from the A.I. yet lacking the life knowledge to process that answer...this current time seems like that. Built on old ways and fading memories of old times, but lacking depth, meaning or weight. This place is paper ready to burn.
    So why am I so concerned about everyone else? Your children? Free will? Autonomy? Choice?
    I suppose I'm old enough to remember that it's what we all fought so hard to maintain. And without those things...are we all not slaves?
    Just free thinking here, while it's still allowed.
    Tick tock.
    I've got one choice.
    I can stay or go.
    But you need to stay, for your babies...so find your values and get ready to stand up for them.
    My best wishes are with you all.
    And this, this is my way of standing up. Thinking and writing and sharing. It's what I can do.
    It's all I can do. It's the least I can do, for all of us.
    I'm not here for likes or hearts or any other electronic phantom of perceived adoration. I'm here to leave a record of what once was. From one tiny spec, one pixel of time itself.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 18w

    Wonder

    First I was a mystical child
    Full of curiosity and wonder
    Half connected
    To the place I had been
    Before I came to this one.
    And I would remember things
    Not so much in details
    But in feelings, emotions
    Like a pure joy
    Or nostalgic longing for my other place, where everything made more sense to my child mind.
    Then I tried to tell my mommy
    About the other place
    Where everything had a heartbeat
    And breathing didn't matter.
    You could be a piece of granite
    And still feel
    Or a caterpillar and still love.
    I was taught my ideas were silly.
    Just the imagination of a child.
    And then, I became obedient and learned the ways of this place;
    How to separate ever little thing from each other and name it, put it into a category so it could be different than me.
    But somewhere, underneath this new understanding, my wonder was hibernating, still remembering that every little thing has a heart. A heart not like the hearts of humans, but much the same in function of emotion.
    I held on to that.
    Now, I am old woman. I have time to wonder again. Time to remember that long lost place I came from. I think I will be returning there. As I shake off all this separation here. I long for the belonging. Into that cocoon of hearts. All beings together, but having their own feelings. That place felt warm. It had a great yellow sun burning above and around it. It had vibrant green grasses that swayed in skin- prickling winds. And everything was everything. I can hardly wait to get back there. Shake off the lessons of this place. The pulling apart, the loss, the savagery. I never felt at home here. But I had to come, for reasons I haven't yet learned, and may never know.
    I'm dreaming now, that familiar emotion of nostalgia, I can almost feel it there...oh that sun is so beautiful and warm on the skin of my mind.
    Once I was a mystical old woman. Full of curiosity and wonder, half connected to the place I was before.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 22w

    Joy

    I find joy
    In a ball of feathers
    Grass green, corn yellow
    Pumpkin orange, blueberry blue, twilight purple and pearl white.
    A colorful conglomerate of
    Fluff, arranged in miraculous order, laying just right, one feather overlapping the other and so on.
    And this all works...as she takes flight and speeds above my head in a zip and flash.
    She nestles into my cheeks at night, as she has done for all her life. 2 years now, she has showered me with a love and affection I have never known before. She gives me motivation to rise each morning; chopping vegetables and fruits, tending sprouts for her to enjoy.
    She is so delicate and tiny. This creature with a huge soul. Compassionate when I need it, and knowing me when my emotions shift. She nestles closer, kisses my nose, with her curving pearly beak. She knows how to tear flesh with it, but never on purpose. She skims my eyebrow, preening me, moves into the hollow of my eye and with such discernment, gently preens my eyelashes. And there is a trust never spoken. We have no language but feelings. And that way we understand. She knows I would never harm her. I know she won't hurt me. She learned to say "I love you" first. A gravely tone only other Conure bird owners learn to recognize. She learned it first and says it often, knowing context and not just mimicking. She learned it first because I say it more than anything else. A pure expression I cannot contain. I could write more, but she is waking up, and I must not fail her. I sing her a morning song as I open her home up, parting her night curtains to let her get used to the daylight. Bring her to the window, examine our day, pointing out things like a blue sky, yellow sun, real clouds, wind and the tiny birds outside. She fluffs up shaking slumber off. She gets excited for the yellow bell pepper seeds i let her pick out from a halved one. Her tiny head getting lost in the pepper, as little growls of joy escape her.
    She is my joy. My absolute bliss. I love my little JelliBean.
    Let us start each day together, forevermore.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 26w

    You

    Because you are the only one
    Who understands
    When I sob
    With joy
    With sorrow
    With regret
    In fear.
    Because of the way
    Your delicate arms
    Wrap me up
    In true healing.
    Because of the way
    You twirl your Silky ringlets and curls between your fingers.
    Because of the way you inspire
    Me to let myself exist.
    Because of your bravery
    And ability to constantly
    Re-invent yourself
    To achieve your full potential.
    Because of the quiet way
    We exist in the same world
    That no one else knows about.
    Because you told me that it's ok to be me and not hide myself away.
    Because you understand my guilt. The way it tears into my fleshy heart and makes me bleed.
    Because you said goodbye
    The gentlest way you could.
    Because you keep my secrets
    And protect me.
    The way you understand how it feels when I'd rather not exist anymore.
    Because you remember how it felt to be a burden to someone else.
    Because of your beauty and youth, telling me I'm still beautiful, I try to believe.
    I believe in you.
    Because you are a radiant star
    Shining stardust around you.
    And I can feel it
    All over me.
    Because I love you.
    In gratitude,
    m.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 50w

    Holding

    I kept your trinkets
    Your hand-me-downs
    Your warm fuzzy sweaters
    And wool socks
    The loose black sweat pants
    With the pockets
    The plastic purple spoon
    With a cute character molded into the handle. The one from that time you took me out to that frozen yogurt place and I didn't realize they charged by weight.
    I'm an expensive best friend!
    I kept all the gifts you sent after you moved away and assimilated into your brand new life. The one you painstakingly carved out for yourself, the one you curated with the help of some photos on Pinterest.
    I kept the plastic fortune cookie with the gold and purple puzzle charm, the one that opens so I can hide my secrets inside it.
    I kept the candy-pooping unicorn and I can't help but laugh each time I walk by it, it's sheeny plastic surface reflecting all the colors we loved.
    I kept your hand sewn things, cherishing all the time your beautiful, pale, delicate hands put into them. I marveled at your attention to detail, your perseverance.
    I kept all the gifts I bought you but did not send. The custom mixed holographic nail polishes with your name hand painted on the bottles, by my now shaky hand. I kept so many meaningful little markers of how I loved you. I don't know why I never mailed them. I was blocked maybe. In denial that you and I would most likely (and especially now), never see each other in person again. We'd never laugh together or cry together at things only the two of us could understand.
    Because there are times for things and people. My time was before. Before your new life. And as you had grown and blossomed, I had stayed the same. Stagnating in my self made prison. Alone and lonely and feeling the loss of our deep sisterhood like a mourning.
    Yet each time I thought of you and laughed, remembering our funny jokes, or cried knowing I needed to talk with you but didn't ever want to burden you with the same old issues...like a signal sent, you would message me. With little hearts and love.
    And it always amazes me, our connection. I know you would say I'm never a burden. I know you would say I'm no bother, that you'd always make time to listen and help and cheer me up. You'd pull me out of my own darkness and into the real world again.
    But there is a part of me that doesn't feel I'm good enough anymore. Not by your judgement, but by my own. I see what I am. What I've let myself become. A de-evolution of a once vibrant woman.
    So I stir my coffee each morning, with that plastic purple spoon from the yogurt shop, in alternating coffee mugs you sent me. One with rainbow stars and one with that yellow sun I crave. Because only you know me truly.
    And I sleep in your black sweats wearing your blue and green knit socks. And I laugh alone at our jokes. I smile when I watch other best friends on youtube, I laugh and then I cry.
    And like a clockwork of the universe your heart emojis come magically floating in, just as I needed to be reminded...that this is only done if I allow it to be.
    And like so many other things in our lives, maybe I shouldn't make this decision without consulting you first. My other half. My velcro twin.
    I'll think about it. Until I decide, I'll keep to my rituals of trinkets and hand-me-downs.
    They keep me sustained in your absence.
    Always loving you.
    Best friend.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 51w

    Heart

    I lay in the dark
    The unsteady anti-rhythm
    Of the fishtank bubbles
    Keeping me up
    Then there it was again
    The "whoosh"
    I kept hearing.
    And I kept feeling it too
    Like a vibration through liquid.
    I held my breath again to listen
    As the world vacillated
    Between
    Despair and nostalgia
    Grief and hope
    Sadness and memory
    Loneliness and the want to commune
    We had once gathered
    But now are split apart
    Like old unkempt stitching
    We have separated
    We are hanging
    Swaying by the light of the moon
    By our own cords of experience
    Tethered to nothing-
    But a glimpse of what once was
    In a dream or fantasy.
    The world still turned
    As we all squirmed
    Under the weight of oppression
    We saw coming yet could not stop.
    "Whoosh"
    Hearing it again I sat up
    Darkness my only suitor
    I placed my weak hand on my chest
    Once vibrant and strong
    I felt the vibration inside
    An ever dimming reverberating
    Long lost companion
    Who I felt so disconnected from.
    My heart!
    Is this the breaking?!
    Is this how it feels?
    When you cannot share it?
    In order to protect it?
    "Whoosh"
    Then a light, a flicker
    Out there somewhere
    Connected me again
    To the rest of you
    And I'm holding on
    Squinting to see the spark
    Waiting for a hand
    To pull me out and into
    This fractured world again.
    Is it enough?
    Hope or despair
    What happens when they both begin to feel the same?
    Will the heart then fall silent?
    My own and yours?

    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 56w

    Window

    It was Christmas
    As I saw my parents
    Through their front porch window
    Waving and blowing kisses
    Through my mask
    I had rarely missed a Christmas
    With them in all my 51 years
    I saw my father begin to cry
    As this pain of being so close
    Yet unable to hug each other
    Set into us both.
    My mother, always the strength
    Bore a smile of resilience
    As we spoke through our cell phones so we could hear each other.
    We left humble gifts to be saturated by lysol and washed and rewashed
    So no particle of sickness
    Could get to them.
    We all lived in fear. They are both in their 80's.
    I hadn't hugged my parents in a year. A whole year.
    And last Christmas we all took togetherness for granted.
    We had laughed and hugged and held hands and kissed and sat close on the warm couch in front of a red hot fire. We had made plans and spoke of dreams and goals and life...
    But that was the last normal interaction we had.
    Now Covid-19 ravaged our country and the world.
    I had only left my home about 7times in this year of Covid-19.
    I was agoraphobic before all this!
    And I thought of my best friend, who's dear father had died a few months ago. How his Christmas is so different from any of his others. How the hole in his and his mom's heart would never be filled again.
    And I looked at my dad through this window and wept because I was so grateful for having him still.
    I'm so much more fortunate than most this year.
    And I got to see my little brother too, as he was able to be with them. I hadn't seen him since last Christmas on that couch in there. They showed yummy food behind them on the table, homemade Cuban food from my mom's loving hands.
    And I realized how important all these traditions are. How recipes handed down can never be learned too soon. How jokes made by siblings heal hearts. How singing with my father in a harmony only genetics can grant, is so valuable. To watch him play that ancient acoustic guitar and be happy singing all the songs he wrote in his Du-Wop days.
    And mom giving the tour of the house and projects or improvements she had made recently. Or getting the gallery show of her watercolor paintings in all their detailed beauty.
    These are memories now. I won't forget. I won't let them fade and I won't make the mistake of taking these moments through this window for granted. Not when I know how our world's can change so swiftly.
    I live safely. I live in fear. It's not political. It's not because I'm a sheep. It's because I'm not sure enough of anything to bet their precious lives on a careless decision I make.
    I can't be that selfish, when a hug I crave more than anything just might become the last one.
    It was Christmas and I saw my parents through their front porch window...and I'm so damn grateful I could burst.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 59w

    Love (notes on my experience)

    Some reasons why I love you and will always love you ❤️

    The way you caught the snake in our backyard, bravely, with no hesitation to protect our little dogs and me. And most importantly, the kind way you drove to a vacant field to release it unharmed. Similarly, the way you trapped the mommy, daddy, and baby rat and drove into the wilderness and released them unharmed, and with some food to start their new lives together.
    The way you look at our first born doggy as if she owns you (which she does). The way you spend money we don't have on a tiny tiny parrot so she will have all the toys, houses and foods and vitamins and vet care she needs. How you lay there patient ly letting her pull and tug your beard hairs as she preens you with adoration.
    The way you help me when my body fails. Bring me ice packs or rub my head, back and neck in absolutely all the right places without me saying where.
    How you let me stay home while you work to support us. This is huge and so selfless of you. The way you stayed with my Abuelita, in her kitchen that year the family was screaming and scaring her. How you held her hand and comforted her and then on top of that, you stood up for me and got me out of harm's way. No one had ever stood up for me before. I will never forget those loving gestures.
    The way you drove me to all my doctor's appointments after I could no longer do it myself.
    How you told me everything was going to be ok, and it was.
    How you used to hold me through the night until your arm fell asleep and still you kept on holding me. How you hugged me and let me cry into your chest after my night terrors took my mind and wouldn't let go of it.
    How you accepted my brokenness, even though you had no understanding of the how's or why's.
    How you called me a rockstar each time I clumsily plunked out a 3 chord song on an out of tune guitar. How you then would faithfully tune my guitar because I refused, stubbornly, to learn. Maybe because I wanted that connection with you.
    How you dance with my son, the rescue pigeon, to the radio and coo at him so he has joy in his day. Or how you tenderly, and carefully trim his beak when it overgrows. Talking to him so he isn't scared. Or how you worked so hard to build him his two giant houses so he could still fly without the hawk taking him.
    How you used to run your warm fingers up and down my back to comfort and love me.
    How you never ever leave without saying you love me. How I never need to worry that you might abandon me. How you tell my insecure mind that you aren't going anywhere, you are here to stay.
    How you used to throw the ball for the puppy in the yard and watch her race to me and then back and forth. How you cared and loved my soulmate dog when we first started dating. How you still love him even though he is long passed. I never thought anyone else could love him as much as I did, but you did. How you lifted him up when he couldn't jump, snuggled him inside your sweatshirt when it was too cold in our rented room with no heat. How you woke early to lift him out the window so he could have his morning pee.
    The way you love the animals I love has made me love you more and more each day.
    The way you forgive me for getting angry sometimes. You forgive so easily. The way you have never screamed at me. You've never raised a hand to me, never once called me a cruel name or even cussed at me.
    You take care of me when I can't care for myself and encourage my creative ideas.
    You keep me surrounded with my animals because you know that is my happiness in this world.
    You listen to me ramble about the jumping spiders I love and look at photos I take and compliment me. Even though I'm aware they all must look the same to you.
    You are kind, gentle and loving.
    You are so strong, smart and handsome. You are a puzzle solver, thinking outside the parameters set by others.
    You are a creator.
    You are a lovely person. I wish we had more time to have adventures in nature. A hike a sunset or stars.
    You bought me a motorhome, my absolute dream. You worked so hard trying to fix it up. It's my bucket list. Without you I never would have been able to get it.
    Thank you, for being yourself. Thank you for sharing parts of you with me.
    I love and appreciate you sharing this life with me for these past 11 years. I could not have survived without your tender care. Thank you, with all the gratitude I have. I love you.
    For M.K.C.
    My partner in this world.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 61w

    Migraine

    Today is a new day
    The day after
    The bombs were dropped
    Inside my head
    I felt a fissure there
    Deep in my skull
    Though no one else could see it
    And as I became twisted
    Wreckage of human
    Caught up in sweaty
    Uncomfortable blankets
    Suddenly too rough on my skin
    I begged all forces unseen
    To release me from my anguish
    Even death was a welcome
    Suitor
    The throb of my eyes
    With every weak heartbeat
    Smashed my face
    With such force
    Tears poured out of me
    But crying made it worse
    So I detached into a wiggle
    Back and forth
    As I lay on the couch
    No comfort in that either
    Only a way to mark time
    In front of me.
    Time, the only elixir for this
    Evil malady
    I tried everything over these years
    Yet nothing helped but time
    Darkness, noiseless, smell-less
    Void.
    No pills, shots, meditation, vitamin, nor amount of positive vibes could cure this.
    And so I suffer and endure
    One, two, three days on the calendar
    Two maybe three times a month
    And I lose those days
    So I am extra grateful for the ones I get, without my skull demon riding me.
    And there are so many hardships out in this world. My issue is so miniscule, and this I know.
    But in my bubble of existing, I only think of myself at those times, and simotaneously trying to survive and yet welcoming death should he appear to take me.
    And so today is the day after
    My pain is gone enough to stand
    Gone enough to sip water and see this light blaring into me.
    But my mind is not sharp, not quick. I am a dumbed down version of my normal self.
    Cognitive function very dim.
    A few more days of this now.
    I bend my knee and spout gratitude into the air around me and farther, into the universe.
    My tears now in gratitude instead of pain.
    I've survived again. As we are all trying to do.
    Now what shall I do with this new precious time?
    ©mmbftd