Originally posted on 27.03.2020 and reposting on 27.03.2021
Years changed. But the pandemic didn't. I had these thoughts in my mind at the beginning of pandemic. Again, there's a rapid increase of covid cases in my city and I couldn't stop pondering about the question in my poem. Will I ever get an answer?
To THE best daddy , I remember Febraury 8 2015 was very unfortunate in y(our) life. The day you were first diagnosed with cancer. It's been six years, daddy and I still can't stop pondering how the most cruel disease picked up a person who is every single antonym of cruel. A person who is the best son, the best brother, the best husband, THE BEST DADDY and the best human this planet can ever have. A person who spent his childhood in striking poverty and worked hard to earn the "Dr." prefix before his name. A person who gives free treatments for the cattle and goats of poor farmers. A person who respects women unlike the mysoginists of that generation. A person who never smokes or consumes alcohol. A person who has extreme faith in god and goodness. A person who sees only the positive aspects of things. A person who cares for family more than self. Why did cancer pick you? The question I had back then & till now is unanswerable, my dearest daddy.
I struggle so much to bear the fact that I have to LIVE WITHOUT YOU rest of my life. But your struggle is greater, your struggle to bear the intolerable pain of cancer & more painful treatments just to LIVE WITH ME & LIVE FOR ME. After this huge battle for six years, It'd be selfish if I wished you were still here because I've seen you struggle so much to eat, speak, sleep & breathe. I've seen how vulnerable you were with blood & blues all around the body. Your body was your own enemy, daddy kutty. Atleast now you have left the body & have reached a better place than this ugly earth. The fact that keeps me going is that you are painless now and you are still watching me from above.
I cry thinking of how you grasped my hand when in ventilator and uttered your last words "take care of amma". You were so selfless even at the end. I promise I shall never let your struggles go in vain. I promise that I will treat "amma" like a queen like you did. I promise I'll take care of myself too because I resemble you not only in looks but in everything else. You are living in me daddy, your blood runs in my veins and half of every cell of mine is your chromosome. I promise I will keep making you proud like I have did till now. Afterall, every goodness in me and every achievment I ma(k/d)e is because of you. Don't you ever feel for me, daddy. The only thing I lack now is your presence & everything else you have already fulfilled for me. You've paved a path for me and have taught me how how to cross that. It's sad you won't be there holding my hands to cross the path but you will be the only one filled in my heart.
~Your little baby. Feb 8 2021.
PS: I uninstalled immediately after posting my last post and just finished reading the comments. I do want to reply to each comment personally but I'm tired and moody. Just letting you all know, they mean a lot to me really. Thank you and ILY all.
PS 2: I couldn't sleep properly without daddy and he consoled me despite being in hospital between the cycles of chemotherapy. Here is the screenshot which shows he is really THE BEST DADDY and he will always be one.
I gazed upon the kids celebrating with fireworks on my lane. Flash of sizziling sparks hit me with flash of memories on how I used to be so fragile, just like crackers. These crackers depend on other humans to ignite the sparks of self. They blame the humidity of circumstances and lack of luck for not dazzling bright enough. Just like them, I too, used to pollute myself and my abode with toxicity. Exhausted after not-so-long moments of shine, I used to lay like a paper teared apart, on darkest corners. With all my potential and hope drained, I used to wait for someone to light me up. I used to wait for someone to let my sparks rise high. I used to wait for someone to wake me up from half death. Interrupted by a sudden noise, my past memories burst too and my mind scattered back into present.
I took a 'diya' in my palms. She stained some spots on my face with yellow tinge where I could feel her warmth. Carefully placing her on the balustrade, I glimpsed at her flame dancing along with the one behind my eyes. Maybe it is a coincidence or maybe one flame is the reflection of the other or maybe both are same? I continued to look deeper at her. Her glow was subtle yet sangfroid. Sometimes brighter ; sometimes dimmer. When a bad wind passed by her, she flickered yet made efforts to withstand. She was the only light to herself and her abode. Just like Diya, I too, glowed in solitude waiting for none. Tonight , I stood on the edge of balustrade and promised I would never extinguish as long as I have fuel in my heart(h) and air to enrich the flame of my soul.
The kids on street noticed me above and invited me to join them. "No thanks" , I replied, " I shall never celebrate my toxic past and I wish you guys too find the glow within yourselves". Perplexed, their innocent faces stared at me. "Happy Diwali", I smiled.
I emerge out as a river from the womb of glacier, I meander throughout my life, I flow past various terrains - Rugged plateaus, smooth plains, High hills and low canyons, I deposit fertile silts called memories on my mind's coast, I harbour diverse organisms with my water of kindness, I flood shores & break hearts with my ripples of rage, I encounter rocks en route, Sometimes I erode them, Sometimes I change my course, I settle down at the sea, I evaporate as mist, I return to heaven. ~ Manasaa 29.09.2020
Undying and rotting cliché love keeps reeking in my backyard and you come like a zephyr holding the smell of beaches and cherry blossoms . I try to figure you out but you just keep shedding layers after layers and barely letting me touch the core . Are you the saturated sunshine in a vodka glass ; or are you the painting made by a drunk and fading artist ?
Through all the shabby coffee shops , old bookstores , lost movie theatres and crimson wine stains , you float and promise to be by my side , not hold , not leave , just be by my side and witness all my sins and regrets , everytime I fall in and out of love and all the times when I try to let go of things but just can't . I just need to know that you are , there tucked in somewhere , watching all my shaky steps and dangling breaths .
And everytime somebody says that you absolutely have to be in love with somebody to be in their poems , my subconscious yells that they're lying ; you can just be a petal in their whole bunch of lilies , or just a pearl in a whole shining string , you don't need to be in love to love someone . Unsaid things more often than not , find their way on their own .
Right after I break down and lose all the faith in existence , you emerge from some hidden vault buried deep inside and make me believe again that things can be scarred , jarred , but still remain beautiful , you remind me that there has to be a crack to let light in . You're the ninth espresso shot of the day , bitter but lovely , necessary to be sane and sound .
Slowly losing appetite for love and Beauty , I write bleeding and torn poems , with evil spilling out and cynicism filled upto the brim , but you take them all in and tell me that a whole black lump of life can be beautiful too , and I believe you, I always do, like your words are the force dragging me to life . I have never learnt how to trust , but with you , all I know is blind faith .
Hiding all my insecurities amidst the poems I pen , I try to figure out how not to be a melancholic hue and make you happy the same way you make me . But you're just too intense and complex and I've never learnt how to deal with words , I can knead a thousand words to make you feel what I think , but I'll never be as good as you and maybe I would never explain what you mean . Just stay .
- Ruhii .
I wrote this a year ago when I was still capable of writing paragraphs after paragraphs about cliché things like love . I don't do that anymore but here it is !
It was when her mom shouted "Wake up!" that she gave up her sleep but for the first time, without any protest. Not a word came from her mouth as she headed towards the bathroom, got ready and finished her breakfast slightly astonishing her kin. Her mind was occupied. While she was wearing her college shoes, her mother finally gathered the courage to question her unusual behaviour but she plainly denied her accusations and assured her of being fine, though she herself knew that they were fake assurances. As she took the same path and made her way to the bus stop,her mind was still occupied by the same thing. Her gorgeous little face with her flawless hair that streamed down her back tied in a simple pony must have attracted many people that either would not have noticed the foundation that she had applied under her eyes or even if they did, they must have considered it as her normal make up but ONLY she knew what it was for her. For her it was a way to hide her dark circles, a way to keep her family unaware of the sleepless night. She finally reached the bus stop but still her mind was occupied by the same thing, something that had stolen her sleep the last night, something that had brought her to a dillema of what she would do, something that has put her mind in a bustle that was it HER DRESSING OR THE BOY'S MENTALITY that had caused him to conduct such an atrocious act towards her.....
What has happened to her? What has caused the most talkative girl so silent? Is there any solution to the "something" that occupied her the whole night and even now? What will she do next? Next chapter coming soon.........