magikarp

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"How confused you must be, finding love in the blood that you bleed..."

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  • magikarp 3d

    Breaking A Brain That's Already Broken

    We were wanderers, searching for a place to stay until you tripped and fell into your grave. It was a deceptively bright and sunny day, kind of like today, not a cloud in the sky, bit of far-off haze. A memory I'm trying so hard to save. Still, it's slipping away. The sound of your voice, curve of your smile, scent of your cologne, colour of your eyes fading to grey. The trees still dance and the wind still whispers your name as it gently caresses the leaves. The sun a gentle slap on my face - when I'd start losing grip you'd slap the sense back into me.
    Brother.
    I need you, your guidance, support, and grace. I need you to remember what we were fighting to be. All I see anymore is everything but the way forward and walking through the dark isn't at all frightening I still carry my sword but I've no compass no way to know which way I should go when up and down are options as well like heaven seems nice but I'm far more familiar and comfortable with hell and back there has so much simplicity because it's already done but up there is hope and potential for more battles that can and will be won.
    Victory.
    But what even is "victory" really...

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1w

    The Cup II

    Twelve years with my head in my hands, thinking, experimenting, pondering, relentlessly, yet I still don't understand. Nevertheless, herein lies what I had learned.
    The cup was never halfway anything - full or empty. That cup has always been full of both water and air. Some substances we can see, others we cannot, why should that mean they aren't there? It's no less maddening. Does it only fill halfway with visible substance to show there exists that which we cannot see? Is it meant to be revelatory? Is it meant to teach us about what exists within us? Is it simply to induce insanity? Is there no reason? Is the reason irrelevant? Does it matter if we understand the matter, or is all that matters is that there is matter?
    'Round and 'round in the head of this overthinker it went for those twelve years. Finally, I had to accept that, of all I could learn and understand, in spite of all I can and will ever know, I have to let that one thing go. It will forever be out of reach. The one thing I truly care to know and understand, and I can never. Not in this life, anyway.
    It's been two years, one month, eight days since I came to this realization. Where is that cup now? Shattered. Its pieces and contents littering the floor as the thoughts once littered my brain. I gave up for the first time the night I accepted that reality. An open door I can't seem to close. It's so easy to give up on any and everything, anymore. And I hate it. What I've let it do to me. What I've become.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1w

    The Cup I

    No matter how much I fill it, the cup is only ever halfway full. I can look inside and see substance, but it's still always halfway empty. I pour more and I watch as the substance within stays leveled. They pour more and I watch as the substance within remains static. In my confusion and curiosity I empty the cup and begin again. I empty a gallon into its eight ounce capacity and watch as the substance fills to the four ounce line and resists movement as the gallon finally reaches its end. Perplexed I set the eight ounce cup aside and pull a twenty ounce cup from the cupboard. Another gallon jug fills the new cup to ten ounces and the substance remains unmoving as the gallon's last drop doesn't even send ripples across the substance's surface.
    Always halfway.
    Never more.
    I rest my head in my hands, distressed.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1w

    Kaleidoscopic Chaos

    I'm tired of writing
    Yet here I am

    I'm tired of being
    Yet here I stand

    I'm just plain tired
    But I cannot sleep
    Because I am not awake

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2w

    Rain, Rain

    There's an emptiness inside that I'd forgotten about until a few moments ago when I heard your voice and cried like I did the day we learned you had died. Some answers just don't exist.
    Where did we go wrong?
    What could we have done?
    Why did you decide one more day was two too long?
    Who the hell am I even without you?
    Just one.
    Just one more irrelevant spec of matter in this cold, callous, careless universe.
    Just like you.
    I miss you, brother.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2w

    Rigatoni And These Balls

    I don't even have to cut anymore. So much blood covering my bedroom floor. For as weak as I've become I may as well be made of glass. Never would have guessed all this cancer in my lungs and throat could be such a pain in my aspirations; they're falling through the cracks of the foundation I built my whole life on this bed of lies. Fine, I admit it! I'm not okay!
    Well, would you look at that, nothing has changed.
    Heart's still broken, soul's still caged, brain's still drowning under skies of grey within this hurricane of rage and despair. And I never asked for any of this to be fair, but it would have been nice if it were at least possible. Nevertheless, there's nothing left. I chose the right, yet I'm still filled with death. And I'm reminded of it with
    each
    and
    every
    single
    breath
    . . .


    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2w

    Once Upon A Yesteryear

    Fire and ice
    Sugar and spice
    Chop and slice
    Sweet sacrifice
    You probably don't follow because you don't know what it means to be truly hollow; and how lucky you are. They get it, though, the waiting ones who needed to know they were not alone, who wanted to go, bleeding from open scars - until they did.
    I wish
    I wish
    I wish
    Upon stars falling down and crashing like your code at the hospital, like you out of that stretcher, like our car that night...
    What I'd give to take your place or to erase the image of your face burned into my memory like it was after the wreck. You didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve you. And you'd still be here if it weren't for me. I never wanted this life, you had so much left to live. I had no one and nothing, now all your friends and family mourn you. And they don't blame me.
    But I do.
    And I can't take it, constantly having to fake it, so forgive me, but I know, in time, I'll break it. I promised I would live for you.
    But I do not
    deserve to.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2w

    Fun To Play With, Not To Eat

    Days drag by and pages turn
    Some eye rip out
    Others eye burn

    Nights never last long
    Some eye feel alright
    Others eye feel all wrong

    No matter which

    Eye still
    Am out
    Of place

    Eye say
    To this day
    Eye've never
    Eye don't know
    Just how to give up
    That eye don't lie
    But eye did lie
    Because eye
    Gave up on
    Myself
    A long
    Long
    time
    Ago
    <×3

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2w

    Blood Is Thicker, But Gasoline Burns Better

    I wish I liked me as much as you did
    I wish I saw me the way that you did
    I wish I loved me as perfectly as you did
    I wish I had learned
    -that you could teach me-
    how to let go like you did the day you hoisted anchor and sailed away upon the vast black ocean of stars and that trying to hadn't left me with so many scars from jumping in front of and crashing cars to feel some pain so maybe I'd heal and all this rain is making it hard to deal when I'm soaked with tears from mourning the loss of the hope I let you steal when you begged pleaded and hoped for something real to remind you life's worth fighting for just before you fell through the bathroom floor into the sky and I realized there just really is nothing more worth breathing for and I hope you can forgive me but I just need to see and be with you and the others who've been set free and I'm here in front of the door holding the key turned the knob halfway through all that's left for me to do is find the way to say goodbye so I can say hello to you on the other side
    and die

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 3w

    "Heaven's got angels,
    we need you at home."

    - Tom MacDonald