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  • lstew1980 1d

    Sorry

    Today I will apologize to the ones I love
    Today I saw my reality
    Today I've accepted what is
    Today I realized, the problem has always been me

    With Too much pain already existing in our lives
    Problems lurking around every corner
    Everyone trying to defeat the odds
    I don't want to be your problem anymore

    I'm sorry for not being exactly what you need
    I'm sorry I don't measure up to what was expected
    I'm sorry to have been nothing but a burden
    I'm sorry you don't feel respected

    I'm sorry my existence has caused you anger
    I'm sorry I can't quite do anything right
    I'm sorry I'm not good enough
    I'm sorry my darkness has burned out your light

    I'm sorry I can't make you smile
    I'm sorry I'm all of your bad days
    I'm sorry I love you so much
    I'm sorry is all I can say

    I'm sorry for the baggage of my past
    I'm sorry I'm such a wreck today
    I'm sorry I'm exactly not what you want
    I'm sorry for all the wrong shit I say

    I'm sorry for the sound of my voice
    I'm sorry for what I look like in the mirror
    I'm sorry for being everything wrong
    I'm sorry.... But I've already lost you I fear

    I can't change who I am
    I can't change my past which haunts
    I can't fix all that lives that I've broken
    I will never be what you need or want

    Today I will apologize to the ones I love
    Today I saw my reality
    Today I've accepted what is
    Today I realized, the problem will always be me.
    © LisaStewart

  • lstew1980 3w

    Suffocate

    It's like every word is stuck in the back of your throat
    It's as if the air cannot enter as you breath
    Its like wearing a straight jacket when you have an itch
    It's like having a beautiful sunset you cannot see
    As if your walking but there's no destination
    As if your running but time has froze
    As if every thought you've ever thought
    Dust, and away they blow
    It's a hunger you cannot quite satisfy
    It's a need you will never quite get
    It's all your desires you desire the most
    But stuck in your head here you sit
    The pain of loving unconditionally
    The pain of needing his touch
    The pain of silence as you cry yourself to sleep
    The pain of loving him to much
    Like an echoing scream from a siren
    A silent scream only you can hear
    Your screaming out but he cannot hear you
    He pushes away as you try pulling him near
    Is it he does not desire you
    Is it that he really don't care
    Is it you've fallen for a soul which is not yours
    Is it, cause that seems so unfair
    Never feeling this way before
    Never have you loved in such a way
    Never, yes never, should you have let yourself fall
    Never should you have expected him to want you to stay
    You are nothing a nobody with no worth
    You are nothing but a destructive mess
    You can try, but you will fail
    Failure at it's best
    © lisastewart

  • lstew1980 3w

    Moldering

    This life of mere existing
    Expressions ambiguous to my past
    Monotone screams heard in the suffocating breeze
    How long in this disarrangement can I last

    Persistent reminders in my lack of successes
    Soul-stirring replication of every diplorable mistake
    Visions of their faces as I disappoint once again
    Cursing the Sun... For on this day I don't wish to wake

    A burden to self and all I meet
    I do not deserve the air that I breath
    My worth is that of a peso in China
    My inner voice will not even speak to me

    Why was my soul given the love that it hoards
    If this love is only dejection and pain
    To love all alone is the darkest space in my mind
    What a deceptive game this Universe plays

    I feel the stares from a thousand judging eyes
    I hear their whispers of belittlment and doubt
    I hide in the shadows to remain a ghost
    This can't be what life is about

    I envision life as so much more
    A world of endless compassions and musical colors about
    Humanity no longer holding hate in their heart
    Instead we concede defeat and check out

    Feeling purposeless in this unfavorable place
    Lost beneath a canopy of despair
    Only Fragments remain of who I once was
    It's ok...I know you don't care
    ©lisastewart

  • lstew1980 3w

    My eyes

    Does he know or does he even care
    Does he see the way I look at him from across the room
    My heart craves to know how he truly feels
    Did he or could he ever feel this way too

    I feel as if I was just a good idea
    An idea once upon a time
    I feel as if maybe I've become a regret
    I wish I could see me through his perfect blue eyes

    If he could see him from the eyes of me
    He'd see everything he's always hoped for
    He would see the next 15 -20 years of our lives
    He'd feel this love I feel.... This love I've never felt before

    But through his eyes what would I see
    Would I see possibility or wanting to run away would I see doubt or pity
    Or maybe I could feel him wanting to love me someday

    Whatever it is he sees I cannot see
    What hes feeling I cannot feel
    I just pray he knows that this unconditional love my soul radiates
    Is a love I'll love forever and always forever real


    © lisastewart

  • lstew1980 3w

    Replay

    I've been to this darkness, I've been here before
    This cold and isolated place
    I've felt this heavy emptiness many times before
    Like being alone and trapped in space

    Everyday falling for him deeper
    All I want is his kiss or his touch
    Everyday he seems to move farther away
    Maybe Im just expecting too much

    Every night laying next to who I want the most
    Been over a week since his lips touched mine
    Falling deeper ...but now into my head I go
    It's just a matter of time

    What am I, where is my place anymore
    In his eyes, to him what do I mean
    My head is taking over now
    As Im silently crying myself to sleep

    I knew this would be another one of karma's mean jokes
    I knew not to fall or let him in
    I knew I would never be good enough to be loved
    He said just fall...I fell...I trusted him

    Again as my world piece by piece it breaks
    Again as it all falls apart
    Again I prove I am failure
    And all because I think with my heart

    This heart that wants to just be loved
    This heart which can love so deep
    Fuck my heart and all its deception and lies
    I give up, I'll stop this hearts beat

    Exhausted and I'm tired
    I'm just too sad to hold on anymore
    I opened up and I let it all in
    Time to shut and lock these rooms full of lies forevermore
    ©lisastewart

  • lstew1980 3w

    Stay

    Could this be some kind of sick cosmic joke
    Is what I'm feeling my wish Upon a star
    What I believed to be a dream from far far away
    So close... You've never been far

    Everything I wished for and Exactly what I need
    I've been searching for you all these years
    This feeling... This magnitude of love I feel
    You are everything I've always feared

    I looked over at you sitting in thought
    But at that moment it was me that immediately knew
    I was gonna fall fast and I fell hard
    And everyday I keep falling more in love with you

    But will it last can you handle my love
    You are night and I am day
    I want to be the light to your darkness
    But you are one to push love away

    I have gone all in and now here I stand
    Vulnerability with a spotlight
    There you sit within your hardened ways
    You're my opposite but you feel so right

    My beating heart is weakend
    The baggage of past has pained it so
    Fight or flight, No I must stay
    But will you be the one to go

    Crawl inside and see my dreams
    Feel the way I absolutely adore you
    This fear I think it may be the death of me
    But my heart whispers stay, so this I must do



    ©LisaStewsrt

  • lstew1980 12w

    Never Know

    You'll never know what it's like to be me
    Until your left fighting all alone in the dark
    When your disguise is on so nobody sees the wars
    That you lose before they ever start

    You'll never know the pains of failure
    Until you look deep into their eyes and see
    That it is you that causes their heartbreaking tears
    Because you fail at being what they deserve and they need

    You'll never understand the reason of self medicating and destruction
    When all that's left is the desire to feel numb
    After realizing you are life's biggest failure
    And no longer know who it is that you've become

    You'll never know the hate an addict has for their drugs
    You'll judge and just walk the other way
    Behind an addict is so much more than getting high
    Once an escape has become nothing but pain

    You'll never understand the weight of love
    Unless you feel compassion from deep within your soul
    And the way this world is but deception
    The love begins to become a bitter cold

    What is it like to be me in this life
    It's a contradiction of confusion to say the least
    I walk the road I feel could be right
    To realize my shoes are on the wrong feet

    I pray you never fear going back home to him at night
    Knowing the next day you'll have to cover a new bruise
    Or lay there crying as you're body is a toy
    For a very sick man to use

    You may never know the pleasure of cutting a little deeper
    Because that pain is your only escape
    Or how you plan your next suicide attempt
    Everyday.... after day... after day

    What is like to never truly fit in
    Where you're a stranger in solemn lonliness
    It's like never having a place to call your home
    It's a prison of emptiness

    I love with a heart that has the best of intent
    But in the end I always fuck shit up
    Everyone saying in my ear... Just change
    If only just changing could be enough

    What's it like to find the other half of your soul
    Where in his eyes you see the rest of your life
    Finally, maybe this is it
    But find out I'm just not his type

    I'm a mother who's kids are my purpose
    As I ruin them in every possible way
    I would give my life to give them perfection
    But instead I fail them everyday

    You'll never know what it's like to be me
    Until your left fighting all alone in the dark
    When your disguise is on so nobody sees the wars
    That you lose before they ever start
    ©lisashuflat

  • lstew1980 12w

    The thief

    He's a part of my past I never expected
    A vague memory that Im beginning to remember
    A forgotten love I kept tucked away
    My lost and buried treasure

    But a fortress around my heart I've built
    A promise to my future self her heart I wouldn't break
    But then I saw him and I looked into his eyes
    All the dead in me was suddenly awake

    Then out of nowhere like a thief in the night
    A sorcerer who put me under his spell
    So fast ... So unexpected
    A ninja with a ninja masters stealth

    He stole my thoughts and took occupancy in my mind
    His army a thousand butterflies he set free
    He walked into my life and I Let him in my world
    He makes me want to be a better me

    With no fortress left to protect my damaged heart
    My soul vulnerably whispered to me
    This thief has stolen our heart and has awakened this tired soul
    It's ok to fall... This is...He is....exactly what we need.
    ©lisastewart

  • lstew1980 12w

    Lying Eyes

    Is it that I see through misleading eyes
    Or is it my hope that made it seem real
    Did you, do you even like me or care
    Why can't I feel how you feel
    With each passing sunset I want you more
    With every rising sun I fall deeper for you
    I want you to know, to feel, what I feel
    Would it make a difference if you even knew
    You came along in such trying times in my life
    You gave me what I lacked in strength
    But all I can give you is my heart and a promise
    To stand beside you and be faithful everyday
    Confusion is settling..I'm getting in my head
    Am I blind, overthinking or dumb
    When we are together, car store or bed
    You feel distant... Do I make you numb
    I want to be your reason to smile randomly
    I want to be the one to kiss your pains away
    I want and need to feel your hands touch my skin
    I want and I need you everyday in every way
    You show such faint clarity of emotion
    I feel Im just here till you decide to go
    In the beginning the idea of lisa was wonderful
    But it's like now you just don't know
    Was it just a dream I was dreaming that you wanted us
    Did I just imagine the way you would look over at me
    Am I now just a new burden in your life
    I can't feel you, I just don't know what I see
    Do you like it when I kiss you
    Do you ever want to feel my touch
    Can you see us 10 years down the road
    Or am I and my life just too much
    I'm a fool for falling so quickly I Know
    It's definitely something I didn't expect
    But you made it so easy by just being you
    What is it that you're wanting to do next
    Ill never be perfect and many things I can't change
    But my life won't always be such a mess
    I'm honest, loyal, and have so much love to give
    I make mistakes but always give my best
    I know I could love you for all the rest of our years
    My only doubt is my doubt on how you feel
    Is it that I saw through misleading eyes
    Is this a hope in my heart or is it real
    © lisastewart

  • lstew1980 12w

    Fade

    Sleeping in a bed of thorns
    Drowning in silent tears
    Locked away in that prison in your head
    Surrounded by pain and your deepest fears

    Suffocating, each breath harder to inhale
    Can't breath, something is just not right
    Feeling alone as you stand among many
    World fades as you seek just a shred of light

    Begging, please someone understand
    As you reach for help into the black abyss
    Right at your fingertips but can't quite reach
    Pulling back, your just not worth the risk
    .
    Each morning cursing the heavens
    You didn't ask to re-wake
    Another day forced into your existence
    You're image reflects you...mistake

    Robbed from all optimism
    As your reality becomes more clear
    Choking back the painful truths
    Choking back all the hidden tears

    Nobody listens, you must not speak
    As all that's left quickly fades
    Every piece that made you you
    You cannot see.... You could not stay
    ©lisastewart