Mirakee
Sorry
Today I will apologize to the ones I love
Today I saw my reality
Today I've accepted what is
Today I realized, the problem has always been me
With Too much pain already existing in our lives
Problems lurking around every corner
Everyone trying to defeat the odds
I don't want to be your problem anymore
I'm sorry for not being exactly what you need
I'm sorry I don't measure up to what was expected
I'm sorry to have been nothing but a burden
I'm sorry you don't feel respected
I'm sorry my existence has caused you anger
I'm sorry I can't quite do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry my darkness has burned out your light
I'm sorry I can't make you smile
I'm sorry I'm all of your bad days
I'm sorry I love you so much
I'm sorry is all I can say
I'm sorry for the baggage of my past
I'm sorry I'm such a wreck today
I'm sorry I'm exactly not what you want
I'm sorry for all the wrong shit I say
I'm sorry for the sound of my voice
I'm sorry for what I look like in the mirror
I'm sorry for being everything wrong
I'm sorry.... But I've already lost you I fear
I can't change who I am
I can't change my past which haunts
I can't fix all that lives that I've broken
I will never be what you need or want
Today I will apologize to the ones I love
Today I saw my reality
Today I've accepted what is
Today I realized, the problem will always be me.
© LisaStewart
lstew1980
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lstew1980
1d
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lstew1980
3w
Suffocate
It's like every word is stuck in the back of your throat
It's as if the air cannot enter as you breath
Its like wearing a straight jacket when you have an itch
It's like having a beautiful sunset you cannot see
As if your walking but there's no destination
As if your running but time has froze
As if every thought you've ever thought
Dust, and away they blow
It's a hunger you cannot quite satisfy
It's a need you will never quite get
It's all your desires you desire the most
But stuck in your head here you sit
The pain of loving unconditionally
The pain of needing his touch
The pain of silence as you cry yourself to sleep
The pain of loving him to much
Like an echoing scream from a siren
A silent scream only you can hear
Your screaming out but he cannot hear you
He pushes away as you try pulling him near
Is it he does not desire you
Is it that he really don't care
Is it you've fallen for a soul which is not yours
Is it, cause that seems so unfair
Never feeling this way before
Never have you loved in such a way
Never, yes never, should you have let yourself fall
Never should you have expected him to want you to stay
You are nothing a nobody with no worth
You are nothing but a destructive mess
You can try, but you will fail
Failure at it's best
© lisastewart -
lstew1980
3w
Moldering
This life of mere existing
Expressions ambiguous to my past
Monotone screams heard in the suffocating breeze
How long in this disarrangement can I last
Persistent reminders in my lack of successes
Soul-stirring replication of every diplorable mistake
Visions of their faces as I disappoint once again
Cursing the Sun... For on this day I don't wish to wake
A burden to self and all I meet
I do not deserve the air that I breath
My worth is that of a peso in China
My inner voice will not even speak to me
Why was my soul given the love that it hoards
If this love is only dejection and pain
To love all alone is the darkest space in my mind
What a deceptive game this Universe plays
I feel the stares from a thousand judging eyes
I hear their whispers of belittlment and doubt
I hide in the shadows to remain a ghost
This can't be what life is about
I envision life as so much more
A world of endless compassions and musical colors about
Humanity no longer holding hate in their heart
Instead we concede defeat and check out
Feeling purposeless in this unfavorable place
Lost beneath a canopy of despair
Only Fragments remain of who I once was
It's ok...I know you don't care
©lisastewart -
lstew1980
3w
My eyes
Does he know or does he even care
Does he see the way I look at him from across the room
My heart craves to know how he truly feels
Did he or could he ever feel this way too
I feel as if I was just a good idea
An idea once upon a time
I feel as if maybe I've become a regret
I wish I could see me through his perfect blue eyes
If he could see him from the eyes of me
He'd see everything he's always hoped for
He would see the next 15 -20 years of our lives
He'd feel this love I feel.... This love I've never felt before
But through his eyes what would I see
Would I see possibility or wanting to run away would I see doubt or pity
Or maybe I could feel him wanting to love me someday
Whatever it is he sees I cannot see
What hes feeling I cannot feel
I just pray he knows that this unconditional love my soul radiates
Is a love I'll love forever and always forever real
© lisastewart -
lstew1980
3w
Replay
I've been to this darkness, I've been here before
This cold and isolated place
I've felt this heavy emptiness many times before
Like being alone and trapped in space
Everyday falling for him deeper
All I want is his kiss or his touch
Everyday he seems to move farther away
Maybe Im just expecting too much
Every night laying next to who I want the most
Been over a week since his lips touched mine
Falling deeper ...but now into my head I go
It's just a matter of time
What am I, where is my place anymore
In his eyes, to him what do I mean
My head is taking over now
As Im silently crying myself to sleep
I knew this would be another one of karma's mean jokes
I knew not to fall or let him in
I knew I would never be good enough to be loved
He said just fall...I fell...I trusted him
Again as my world piece by piece it breaks
Again as it all falls apart
Again I prove I am failure
And all because I think with my heart
This heart that wants to just be loved
This heart which can love so deep
Fuck my heart and all its deception and lies
I give up, I'll stop this hearts beat
Exhausted and I'm tired
I'm just too sad to hold on anymore
I opened up and I let it all in
Time to shut and lock these rooms full of lies forevermore
©lisastewart -
lstew1980
3w
Stay
Could this be some kind of sick cosmic joke
Is what I'm feeling my wish Upon a star
What I believed to be a dream from far far away
So close... You've never been far
Everything I wished for and Exactly what I need
I've been searching for you all these years
This feeling... This magnitude of love I feel
You are everything I've always feared
I looked over at you sitting in thought
But at that moment it was me that immediately knew
I was gonna fall fast and I fell hard
And everyday I keep falling more in love with you
But will it last can you handle my love
You are night and I am day
I want to be the light to your darkness
But you are one to push love away
I have gone all in and now here I stand
Vulnerability with a spotlight
There you sit within your hardened ways
You're my opposite but you feel so right
My beating heart is weakend
The baggage of past has pained it so
Fight or flight, No I must stay
But will you be the one to go
Crawl inside and see my dreams
Feel the way I absolutely adore you
This fear I think it may be the death of me
But my heart whispers stay, so this I must do
©LisaStewsrt -
lstew1980
12w
Never Know
You'll never know what it's like to be me
Until your left fighting all alone in the dark
When your disguise is on so nobody sees the wars
That you lose before they ever start
You'll never know the pains of failure
Until you look deep into their eyes and see
That it is you that causes their heartbreaking tears
Because you fail at being what they deserve and they need
You'll never understand the reason of self medicating and destruction
When all that's left is the desire to feel numb
After realizing you are life's biggest failure
And no longer know who it is that you've become
You'll never know the hate an addict has for their drugs
You'll judge and just walk the other way
Behind an addict is so much more than getting high
Once an escape has become nothing but pain
You'll never understand the weight of love
Unless you feel compassion from deep within your soul
And the way this world is but deception
The love begins to become a bitter cold
What is it like to be me in this life
It's a contradiction of confusion to say the least
I walk the road I feel could be right
To realize my shoes are on the wrong feet
I pray you never fear going back home to him at night
Knowing the next day you'll have to cover a new bruise
Or lay there crying as you're body is a toy
For a very sick man to use
You may never know the pleasure of cutting a little deeper
Because that pain is your only escape
Or how you plan your next suicide attempt
Everyday.... after day... after day
What is like to never truly fit in
Where you're a stranger in solemn lonliness
It's like never having a place to call your home
It's a prison of emptiness
I love with a heart that has the best of intent
But in the end I always fuck shit up
Everyone saying in my ear... Just change
If only just changing could be enough
What's it like to find the other half of your soul
Where in his eyes you see the rest of your life
Finally, maybe this is it
But find out I'm just not his type
I'm a mother who's kids are my purpose
As I ruin them in every possible way
I would give my life to give them perfection
But instead I fail them everyday
You'll never know what it's like to be me
Until your left fighting all alone in the dark
When your disguise is on so nobody sees the wars
That you lose before they ever start
©lisashuflat -
lstew1980
12w
The thief
He's a part of my past I never expected
A vague memory that Im beginning to remember
A forgotten love I kept tucked away
My lost and buried treasure
But a fortress around my heart I've built
A promise to my future self her heart I wouldn't break
But then I saw him and I looked into his eyes
All the dead in me was suddenly awake
Then out of nowhere like a thief in the night
A sorcerer who put me under his spell
So fast ... So unexpected
A ninja with a ninja masters stealth
He stole my thoughts and took occupancy in my mind
His army a thousand butterflies he set free
He walked into my life and I Let him in my world
He makes me want to be a better me
With no fortress left to protect my damaged heart
My soul vulnerably whispered to me
This thief has stolen our heart and has awakened this tired soul
It's ok to fall... This is...He is....exactly what we need.
©lisastewart -
lstew1980
12w
Lying Eyes
Is it that I see through misleading eyes
Or is it my hope that made it seem real
Did you, do you even like me or care
Why can't I feel how you feel
With each passing sunset I want you more
With every rising sun I fall deeper for you
I want you to know, to feel, what I feel
Would it make a difference if you even knew
You came along in such trying times in my life
You gave me what I lacked in strength
But all I can give you is my heart and a promise
To stand beside you and be faithful everyday
Confusion is settling..I'm getting in my head
Am I blind, overthinking or dumb
When we are together, car store or bed
You feel distant... Do I make you numb
I want to be your reason to smile randomly
I want to be the one to kiss your pains away
I want and need to feel your hands touch my skin
I want and I need you everyday in every way
You show such faint clarity of emotion
I feel Im just here till you decide to go
In the beginning the idea of lisa was wonderful
But it's like now you just don't know
Was it just a dream I was dreaming that you wanted us
Did I just imagine the way you would look over at me
Am I now just a new burden in your life
I can't feel you, I just don't know what I see
Do you like it when I kiss you
Do you ever want to feel my touch
Can you see us 10 years down the road
Or am I and my life just too much
I'm a fool for falling so quickly I Know
It's definitely something I didn't expect
But you made it so easy by just being you
What is it that you're wanting to do next
Ill never be perfect and many things I can't change
But my life won't always be such a mess
I'm honest, loyal, and have so much love to give
I make mistakes but always give my best
I know I could love you for all the rest of our years
My only doubt is my doubt on how you feel
Is it that I saw through misleading eyes
Is this a hope in my heart or is it real
© lisastewart -
lstew1980
12w
Fade
Sleeping in a bed of thorns
Drowning in silent tears
Locked away in that prison in your head
Surrounded by pain and your deepest fears
Suffocating, each breath harder to inhale
Can't breath, something is just not right
Feeling alone as you stand among many
World fades as you seek just a shred of light
Begging, please someone understand
As you reach for help into the black abyss
Right at your fingertips but can't quite reach
Pulling back, your just not worth the risk
.
Each morning cursing the heavens
You didn't ask to re-wake
Another day forced into your existence
You're image reflects you...mistake
Robbed from all optimism
As your reality becomes more clear
Choking back the painful truths
Choking back all the hidden tears
Nobody listens, you must not speak
As all that's left quickly fades
Every piece that made you you
You cannot see.... You could not stay
©lisastewart
