Recently my heart doctor implanted a device called a lloop recorder near my heart which monitors my heartbeat and found that my heart had stopped for 4 seconds while I was sleeping one night and then implanted a pacemaker to keep my heartbeat at a regular tempo,yet this device cannot help the heartache I feel for my fiance and our two adorable puppies... circumstances of my health are causing my residence to make me move into an assisted living facility to better care for my recent health issues and this facility will take my entire income for rent and I despair so because it puts my plans of uniting with my fiance and puppies on an undetermined hold and my leave me unable to support them, which makes me very sad,I wrote this while dwelling on these sad @sakshi_02@diyabedi
(Relationships are delicate things, especially when the individual's have had challenging lives separately. Recently my gorgeous and amazing fiance, (in pic below) who is transgender and has dealt with bullying, bias and insecurities, got jealous because she thought I had called her friend baby. Now this might seem trivial to most, but understanding all my love has been through and knowing this nickname is special to her, I immediately cleared up that it was a message for her sent to the wrong person and wrote these quick four lines for her. Honesty, understanding and acceptance are the keys to keeping true love alive, as well as knowing how care for your lover when they might be upset.)
(In the 90's I played in a couple alt. rock/punk bands in which I wrote music and lyrics, played guitar and was one of two vocalists. I had lost all copies of recordinngs and lyrics, but just recently I ran into one of my former band mates who still had some of our songs. The piece that follows is the lyrics of one of these songs and shows where my head and writing were at the time.)
sanity's station _______________
amphetamine abortions given by martians glycerine contortions mauling blue orchids morbid fascinations orchestrated gyrations masturbation striated consecrated vibrations vivisected libations vitalized in claymation PlayStation compromise exorcized with hesitation sore elation denied super sized decimation
sanity's station now dies reflected in red eyes disguised inbred sensation beneath the world's looping cries
(This poem is from the "lost notebook" I had come across circa 2011-2012, I no longer feel this way but understand some still feel lost and suffer. You are not alone, things will get better eventually if you keep faith and remain a good person at heart.)
these dead dreams ___________________
out in the cold bold soul shivers rivers of tears flow sorrow's blow delivered
hindered by memories squandered my destiny detest these dead dreams I ponder
(This is a favourite poem by one of my favourite poets, Dylan Thomas)
The force that through the green fuse drives the flower ______________________________________________________
The force that through the green fuse drives the flower Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees Is my destroyer. And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.
The force that drives the water through the rocks Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams Turns mine to wax. And I am dumb to mouth into my veins How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks.
The hand that whirls the water in the pool Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind Hauls my shroud sail. And I am dumb to the hanging man How of my clay is made the hangman's lime.
The lips of time leech to the fountain head; Love drips and gathers, but the fallen blood Shall calm her sores. And I am dumb to tell the weather's wind How time has ticked a heaven round the stars.
And I am dumb to tell the lover's tomb How at my sheet goes the same crooked worm.
lilac is the symbol of first and sacred love. ___________________________________________________
Perhaps, A good omen when our eyes met for the first time, when the setting skies turned lilac and smells of lavendar surrounded the tender throbbing hearts.
The soothing chords of wind chimes stitched the strings between our hearts, burning with innocence and warmth. The winter too arrived when he came closer freezing my feet, changing the garden into snowbed.
We were strangers when the flowers began to bloom, a hope arised that the stars will make us meet again The flowers of my heart wilted when he left leaving the ashes of my dying love.
My love for you was like phoenix Born again and again after the thought of you You were made to come as a burning fire leaving behind a restless soul and a divine love That cannot be felt again.
The rhapsody of crashing waves in moving silence, Surrounded by the grey pebbles in abeyance, The waves take away the inner angst left in the shoreline And the ashes too drowned to reach the God divine. The premordial sand in oyster turned into wondrous pearl The air bent around again to whisper the sand to unfurl.
Love and faith is no more than a silhouette in dim light, The immortal peace is lost in those breakers leaving fumes so white, The ray of hope moves barefoot on the crystal sand, Holding eternity in the palm of its hand. Trusting the universe to edge the earth again with warmth and care, And still touch the serenity when waves roar back.
The midday sun slips down the mountain The heavens painting itself pitch black The moon peeped out of those diaphanous curtains The propitious moonlight coruscating the shingles on track.
The archaic bricks with ivy shrouding the history The quiteness around enveloped in absolute mystery The roof was thatched and small gable over the door The woods around as if shouting to view them no more.