I knew it I had it in me to move further past $65. I am glad I had the dreams and curiosities to really make it more than ten times of that amount a week but still not buy a $1200 perfume because a new city can teach you the volatility of money, of work and despite it all make you realise that wherever you go, your animal instincts will take over ever so often to remind you that it’s the ‘community, friends and family’ that you are willing to seek, maybe it was just the thrill, maybe it should never have been about money.
The thrill of a new city that makes you feel young.. young enough with possibilities of owning that beach house one day, and poor enough when you look at the ones who own it. Anyway, fast forward to the reality of getting $65 a week with the dreams of a perfume that costs $1200. The reality of making a living but still not losing that spark to dream. Some dreams that you are reliving after arriving in the new city- (from seeing the kangaroos pictures in the books to actually witnessing them, YES!!) and some dreams that are part of your curiosity (how different would it be to treat ‘pain’ of an Australian patient than an Indian patient? An entire different post- Comment below if you need an answer to that ;) )
The new city..
If you ask thousands of those people who make a big move about what they were thinking? They would all reply with the phrases that would sound like ‘I believed in possibilities then’, ‘I believed in miracles then!’ ‘I believed money will flow in abundance any day any minute.’ The thing about making a big/ nearly permanent move to a new city is the THRILL! Your conscious asking you to believe in yourself just this time which can be surprising given its usual habit of making you believe that you are not enough.
Happy birthday Ayushi! I couldn’t find a better way to be perpetually grateful for my survival at UWA and a new country if it weren’t for you!
To Ayushi, On your birthday, Things to remember..
When you happen to read feminism like we often discuss unknowingly, trying to find its loopholes of pseudo beliefs, remember that you are one of the female ally that everyone must have. When you often say I am the man taking all the responsibilities for family miles away remember there is nothing stronger than this that goes unvoiced each day. When the storms of queries arise, I try to cling on to you for an anchor; remember you are effortlessly an anchor to your friends, sister and your family. There is a special characteristic to live a life making bold decisions that only screams your attributes as STRONG! Remember to continue reinstating that none of the choices you have ever made were wrong, if anything they taught TWO of us many things- YOU and ME to live and survive in a new country.
This is going to cause a tinge of pain in some part of my heart and memory. But, also this is important to remind me of myself. Of my life behind filters. So, stick with me in reading this where you may find parts of yourself.
Loneliness feels like silhouettes talking to you from the darkness in the night and aloneness feels like talking to your own conscience, confronting your self to know its goals, needs, what makes it happy. Loneliness tells you that you cannot be happy because you have no-one and aloneness tells you that you can be contended with yourself. If you were not able to celebrate festivals in the pandemic, they were not a sign of loneliness and cheerless days but a sign that you get to share grief together miles apart. If you prefer to skip that club party to stay at home cooking for yourself, you are not boring or lonely, but are happy to spend time with yourself alone to cherish it. Because your soul requires pampering and talks and not only lonely nights!
Loneliness can make you concerned about every insect, ant and stray dog you notice around to be wondering if there is anyone worrying about them? How does it feel to not have anyone care if you would return home? It makes you concerned about homeless people living on the streets wondering if they will get to experience a space full of people to call ‘home’. Loneliness in entirety makes you value people even if it means one living being who gets you!
Learning the difference between lonely and alone:
Lonely and aloneness are two unique state of being that every individual should experience in their lifetime. If you happen to watch ‘sex education’ again, notice how Maeve says she wants her ‘house to be very big but not big enough to make her feel lonely’. I think the same statement carries the whole essence of aloneness and loneliness. To have a space big enough to get a space with yourself but not that big enough to feel like you are in the outer space.
* In getting lost, I found people willing to lose their time, overlook their own routes to guide me on the right path. ❤️* Sometimes it took me months to find the right path and sometimes fellow passengers have asked me the right route. (It is only today I found out a short cut to the train station near my house when I no more use public transport so we cannot really comment on my learning process). * Yes, I have drifted and strayed walking for more than 30 minutes sometimes when people have forgiven me for being late. I swear it was not the Indian standard time, just me getting lost was what I wanted to say. 😟* My wisdom from getting lost is that getting lost has taught me many lessons of topographical memory, time management, kindness from strangers and bosses, reaffirming own stupidity of course.