kottak

perfectly broken ��

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  • kottak 8w

    Not today

    Today is one of those days when I sink my head down low because raising my hand for help is not an option. A friend committed to a hospital because her world has crumbled so she needs numbing medication and a nap. Another put herself in place to do good but now her head is barely above water. Another text about how is the island treating you? I live in paradise right, why complain cause everyone response is but at least there is sunshine well its been raining for days now . So I sink my head down low with another I'm great while talking about those who seem to need more . I'll turn on Another heart wrenching movie to rationalize the tears. One of those days where I must be okay.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 8w

    Sealed Doors

    The sadness of every bad memory just washing over me momentarily. The moment my mind wanders in past the road blocks I put up. Creeping back to the doors that I sealed tight but I left the light on for some reason. The memories are plastered on the walls, when I look in I feel that pain of every I'm not good enough, of every I dont love you , of every person who said they stay forever but when I look at those walls they are gone, just the promises they left and my pieces of my heart stuck to them. Some left because of pain I caused, others left because I wasn't good enough, a handful just floated away in the wind , and a few took their last breaths and I blamed God. Why did I keep the light on. Why did I revisit the places that make it hard to breath so often. When I turn over and look at him why does this room tell me he will leave too. He has always found my hand when I reached out. These doors I've sealed are the reasons I weep silently . These doors are the reason I never left anyone in. These doors are the reasons I can smile when I wake. Why do I keep the lights on of sealed doors ?
    ©kottak

  • kottak 10w

    Old Friend.

    Hello again. I thought we had parted ways forever. For once, i thought the smile that was drapped across my face was here to stay and yet you walked right back in blacking out all the light and consuming once again . As always I welcomed you as a pulled in the covers so tightly around me so it would just be us . Oh depression. I know you missed me, but my life is moving on without and I need to see light again. Hello old friend.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 10w

    Do you remember?

    Do you remember the first time someone used their whip to strike your skin? The first time someone used their tongue as a whip and it felt like lightning going through your skin. Your face became hot and tears ran down your cheeks and in that moment you were everything they were saying. Do you remember the face of the person who made you feel smaller than an ant. Do you carry the weight of those whip marks with you everyday ? Did your lashes cause you to use your whip to leave marks on others?The first time your hands curled up and your became the whip causing real marks this time. The first time someone did it to you. We all remember. The hate , burden , brokenness other have caused to our bodies . Can others see those marks or have you hidden them so deep they are yours to bare alone ? Are you the one causes your lashes to your arms? It's time to lay it down. To take the sting out of the marks no one sees. The marks that stain your thoughts with words that are nothing if you take the power back. You are nothing, you are weak, you deserve this, you shouldn't live , you're too fat, and the list never ends because we were cursed with endless words to string to together in a perfectly knotted whip. It's time to untie it one word at a time. You are worthy, you are good enough, your life has so much purpose, stay with us and find it.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 12w

    Welcome to my life.

    Hi my name is.... I am 20 something years old and I was born raised in the same household where love was spread but demons lurked in mind. How do I explain the monster under my bed? From a young age I learned that my silence created an escape . Being silence means no one sees you breaking. From a young age I also learned that my blood boils and my skin lights on fire for those I love. My hand curls into fist that would break concrete on faces of people who are in need. I will go toe to toe with against anyone who tries to harm those in my corner. I have never been in a physical altercation because the weight of my voice is a force to be reckoned with and when I stop talking people tend to get afraid for many reasons. The heart in my chest has been giving away love like pennies my whole life. I fell in love way to young because defying my mother was something I was quite good at. The first boy I fell in love with ironically brought me to God. The day I was baptized was his first date with her and pray every day that he doesn't beat the hell out of her because he woulda me. God saved me from him but I did not learn my lesson.i continued to look for fulfillment in others and always ended up. I have a body count to high to remember and that often causes too many to judge. College me got lost among finding what I wanted to do and meeting the unrealistic expectation I had for myself. College me was still an outcast I was in sorority of 95 girls a pledge class of 30 and somehow still only had 6 girls on my team . So I started to realize that the problem had to be me. You see the voice I was given is laced with venomom when needed but it always Coated in harsh relaities . Hello adult me. Working with those society has casted away to die and forget about. Prison teaches you alot things. Adult me talk 3000s miles a minutes often at shouting tone because I have had more ear surgeries they I care to count. I give 150 percent in everything I do and with every person in my life . I dont know anything else . I write because my mind never stops. I found God in my depression as an adult because how dare I raise my hand for help remember silence was my weapon . The guilt of life consumes me most days. I know what's it like to never want to get our of bed to contemplate ending it all. I was lost . I had watched someone I love die slowly and I was angry. My mom was portrayed as a monster and I walked away from a man I had loved for 7 years.and then I was chose the career that is literally staring down pure evil everyday. The first time you pick up a dead body changes you. Ask my captain he tell you my head spun around that night. The first you walk up to a cell and all you see is blood changes you but by the 15th it's just a Tuesday which is insane. So needless to say my mental varies on the day on how much trauma of those who were never heard I listen to . How long I sit in a hole with 200 offenders each guilty by verdict but still needing someone on their side. Depression became my bestfriend and there I found God. I was alone and wrote more poetry about ending my life that I care to acknowledge because at some point not breathing would feel.better than constant agony but one day I woke up and realized that the lord could walk me through it. Here I am, still struggling to get out bed but I do it everyday because getting right with the lord is my only mission now. That the people I see everyday where Turned into monsters and locked away and I am trying to turn monster into humans and send then back out into the world knowing kindness knowing honesty and knowing no matter what I am Not their jury,judge or , executioner, that role is set aside for someone else. That hopefully even if I just change one that I'll be able to sleep at night. I am walking with God everyday even when it feels like nails are digging into my feet on somedays.
    Welcome to my Journey ,seat buckles are recommended as are helmets.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 14w

    Closure

    Closure is our way of staying connected with that person or environment. Closure is our 5 more minutes or one more night. Closure is standing in the doorway begging them to love you knowing they will leave. Closure is ripping gauze from a seeping wound , destroying all the clots. Closure is asking for answers when they've already told you. Closure is returning items just to see them one more time. Closure is following them on social media to see if their okay . Closure is never closure . Closure should be discarding those items or leaving them on the porch. Closure should be accepting the answers we've been given. Closure should be knowing you are worthy of love and they just weren't right for you. Closure is deleting their number because you don't need that closure talk. Real closure is walking away knowing it will hurt like hell but they can't give you anything you need. Closure is bullshit. Closure is us holding on to something that already left.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 15w

    How do you change a world when you are an army of one? How do you speak up when you find yourself silencing your thoughts? How do you extend your hand to them when you are still drowning? I may have never been a typical mean girl but I am the villain in other stories . I do not always speak kindly of others . I judge too quickly and write off those who I deem necessary but who I am to do so ? Extending my hand to those whose skeletons are greater than mine does not make me a hero. Listening to the broken does not make me any different than you. Losing mt temper at others is something I know too well because after all I have done, how dare they ? Kindness is something I strive for everyday because doesn't everyone just want to be heard? Even if you are drowning that doesn't mean dumping water on someone else you'll both die in the end.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 22w

    Judge, jury, executioner

    The audacity you have sitting on your glass throne throwing stones because someone built you this home. Someone came along and made you believe that you were judge, jury and executioner. Life kept handing you stones that you freely blew holes in everyone else's home. You're tower grew in stature because the stones you threw turned into boulders and no one dared throw a pebble back. Your glass tower glimmers in the sunshine while you expect others to bow in amazement or fear. Judge, jury and executioner huh? Who spun you this web of lives and convinced you that your tower wouldn't fall. You grasped a boulder in your hand and went to cast at on my land. You misjudged, you're boulder attempted to crash threw a fortress not a glass house. It bounced off like a rubber band, you fool. You are not my judge, jury and damn sure not my executioner. Climbing out to see your glass tower, launching my pebble hearing you laugh . Your confidence is will be your end. The pebble strikes the glass and it cracks it ten thousand directions crumbling your tower into rumble. You stand astounded. You are not anyone judge jury or executioner. Your tower will fall like everyone's. Glass always shatters. Never throw a stone when your home will crumble with a pebble
    ©kottak

  • kottak 25w

    Women

    Walk into the room and here sits beautiful women saturated in laughter and twinkling eyes. Wait until the room gets quiet and then look again. You'll see their demons pawing at the backs of their eyes their tongues laced with screams and their posture always shifting because the world has raised them its in image. Women, arguable the most powerful force to be reckoned with. The world has taught us to quiet down, lock up the demons , don't ask for help, we wanted it or why else did we go? We get paid less to do more,.looked down upon when we are stay at home mothers but judged when we go to work. Our mouths were glue shut by shame, guilt, judgements, the world shaped us. Today, is to many women silence by the hand of the world. Let your demons out. Let those scream go.. Let the world burn at the sounds of women being freed from shame and guilt. Take back your power . We can be unstoppable together.
    ©kottak

  • kottak 27w

    To the men.

    To the men in dark alleyways, pills in hands at bars, kind smiles for those we've known forever, the helpful hand of stranger, the touch of a wandering hand as we pass by. I do not appear to be a predator, with your eyes locked me as I stumble around a bar, walk alone to my car, and sit not too far, I appear your perfect prey. I surround myself with giggling girls or with no one so my pack appears harmless but thats thing about appearance often times they are wrong. I shouldn't fear the lion in the far because I see him more the hyienna who comes to steal someone else prey. Let me introduce myself. I do not fear you. I saw you first. I may stumble but I shoot straight. I am alone but that does not make me weak it should make you afraid. I do not appear threatening cause I am women but we the human race are the only species who deem women weak. I am not your prey or the victim. When you come to close to my pack , they will get behind me because no matter if You look like a towering bear you are a coward and my roar is much louder. I will have no problem telling you no, telling you to fuck off. Oh I'm not polite neither was your hand across my back i guess you came looking for a fight. To the men who view women as prey remember appearance are deceiving. Under the tight dress she has a 38 strapped between her legs because she was taught to not be afraid. Her bracelet turns into a knife or keys. The baseball bat next to her bed with your name on it. We've been hunted for so long that eyes really did grow in the back of our head because your kind gesture made my stomach turn and I knew you came looking for a fight. We don't not always win. To the men with drugs or blinded slugs we take the to chin, to the men weak enough to prey on a woman she will rise . She will not be beaten down by you forever. Let me introduce myself. I stand for her and against you. I stand beside her when needed and in front of her when you dare try to make her shutters in her stilettos. i stare murders down for a living my girl gang will not fear you because I will teach them to observe. Defend. Fight. You will not see her coming when you go to grab her in the street and you're the one left bleeding. She is not your prey she is the predator you never saw coming. To the men . We see you. We know who you are. We will not fear you because together there isn't anything we can't do.
    ©kottak