How do you know if its time to let go of something you were desperately trying to hold on to? It's so painful and damaging to realise that "something" is not worth it anymore. You deny, You lie, "You dread it, run from it" Doesn't matter.
I tried to be the person you expected. I tried to give you everything I had. But, somehow It was never enough. Somehow you were never happy. And somehow, it was always me. I was exhausted. Yes I'm sorry but I was. Chasing after you, all those one sided efforts, all that begging, All that trauma and anxiety and what not.
I was done. It wasn't easy. Losing you was so fucking painful. Giving up on something that I promised to fight for no matter what. But there's a limit. I still remember those sleepless nights. Couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face, Blinking back tears every time I see your pictures, Deleting conversations and regretting instantly. Still remember each and every single fucking thing I went through.
But I had to. I deserve better, Someone who was willing to fight for the sake of us. Someone who knows what "mutual efforts" mean. I deserve to be loved.
As I sit here alone inhaling all of my memories, "our memories". I can't help but remember the day we met. How our eyes caught each other. I knew exactly what I felt, Love.
I remember thinking, this could actually mean something, Something big, Something better, Most importantly, something worth trying for. Those first two years, I can't even forget them even if I want to. How could I? Not only did I fell in love with you, But also myself. And I will always hate you for teaching me something so difficult.
I remember how I fucked each and everything up. How easily I manged to mess up the only good thing going on in my life. Maybe you were right. It was me. You had your limits, and maybe I was too much. I never blamed you for leaving me in the middle of nowhere How could I? I was a mess, I still am. And to be honest I blame myself. I always will.
I know, I'm wasting my time. I know, You will never read this. And, I know, "this" is not going to serve any purpose whatsoever. But maybe it is appropriate for this one little thing I blame you for.
Out of all the things in the world you taught me, Living without you wasn't one of them.
I regret losing myself in the process of loving you. I was such a fool, trying my best to force something which wasn't there at all. Soo busy trying to make it work that I didn't realise it was gone. It felt as if I was begging you to reciprocate the efforts, when in reality, you just never felt the same way I did. Slowly, You were just giving up on me, giving up on us, Giving up on something we promised we'd fight for no matter what. You made things so hard that I could never catch up. I got tired of chasing after you. I could no longer beg you to fight for what we had. I could no longer beg you to love me back. I was done. So, I did what I had to. I was aware that it's going to hurt like hell but there was no other option left that would help me to be free. I took myself out of the equation. Sometimes, it's the best option for our sanity.