inntezaar

sometimes all I think about is you

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  • inntezaar 2d

    Disclaimer - self harm and substance abuse.


    I am drunk right now and I can't think straight. I can't remember where I belong, I don't remember my own name. I'm weeping and I want to write. I slit my vein and paint the walls of my soulless home, letter by letter. "Y-O-U". I can't think of any other word. My pashmina carpet is a shade redder. By eyes delved in a bloodlust.
    I walk to the bathroom, stumbling upon furniture, eye sight blurring with each step, my eyeliner melting into puddles from the side of eyes. I take off my summer dress, yellow now turned to red. I peel off my undergarments and stand infront of the bathroom mirror, all naked. I trace the cigarette burn scars on my stomach, I trace the slit skin on my thighs. My body has been a temple to the satan, exorcised by too many disciples. My skin is a layer of unsuspended guilt, hatred, brutality. I turn on the shower and stand under the water. I rub my breasts with all the soapsuds in the bathroom shelves, to erase his touch from my pores. But they have seeped too deep. I fall on my knees, crumble like a saran wrap thrown in the dustbin. I rock myself back and forth, hushing the anxiety sitting next to me.
    I stare at the clock above my head. I stare at it for half an hour. One, two, three, four.... The hand of the clock ticking. I reach out for my phone. I dialed your number. I am high, drunk, upset and wasted. I knew tomorrow morning I would spend thinking about the consequences of this phone call. Nevertheless, I am drunk, I have an excuse to call you.
    "Hello", you said and my time froze. I smile, like I rediscovered a lost part of my childhood.
    "There's a scar below my collar bone, like a sickle of Titan. Do you remember how you kissed it first and told me this is a part of 'us'? You left yourself in my body. I cut and burn myself to let go of you. I can't. Hello, I am dying." I was sobbing as I spoke, alcohol does this to broken hearts.
    "Where are you? Are you safe? How drunk are you? " you sounded genuinely concerned. Were you?
    "Drunk enough to remember nothing but you. Safe? No, I am dead." I laughed.
    I put the phone on speaker and slit another vein. The bathroom floor now a light shade of crimson. Vermilion pleased my eyes.
    "Hello, you. I miss you.", I say and I hang up the call. I wait for you to call back. You don't. 'Just-another-wasted-chick'? Yes.
    I hold the shower knob and turn it off. I walk out of the bathroom, stark. I lay down on the bed, bury my head on the pillow with the mark of my smudged lipstick. I cry until sleep has the mercy to embrace me.

    © Intezaar

    P. S - stupid.

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    Slit my wrists, bloody fists
    Questioning why I exist
    Pain persists, evil gifts
    Fucking up my life to shit
    I'm worthless, I'm worthless
    I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed out

    ~ worthless (Eli)

  • inntezaar 4d

    So darling, darling don't be scared
    'Cause even if I look everywhere
    Your colors caught my eye
    And you're my favorite sight

    ~ an art gallery can never be as unique as you

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    Things that never fail to make me smile .

    . New lovers holding hands while standing next to each other in the metro.
    . Old couples quarelling over what meals should be cooked this afternoon.
    . Broken buildings in the outskirts of the city, smiling like the ruins that are often visited by tourists.
    . A soft sunny afternoon sitting under the sun, peeling oranges and reading books that I forgot picking up before.
    . My shampooed damp hair that I washed after procrastinating for a week or 2.
    . Sunsets that paint the sky blue and pink.
    . The lady who sells flowers when I go out for a morning walk .
    . Little doggos sleeping peacefully, bathing the winter sunshine.
    . Small babies babbling in their mother's lap.
    . Finding a new song that makes me feel belonged.
    . Having papri chaat with my sister after shopping and bargaining in the bazaar.
    . The adorable friend from hostel whose smile can melt hearts.
    . The kind humans who smile back at me when I smile at them , walking on the road.
    . Fairy lights and hair accessories in the corner shop.
    . That friend from college who reminds me that I'm enough.
    . Rain shower in the month of January.
    . Having an ice cream even though it gives me a sore throat.
    . The thought of maa's smile.
    . The hope of healing.

    Love exists in a lot of things. In the hidden parts that we forget.
    ©inntezaar

  • inntezaar 1w

    I'm laying in bed and thinking of your peach hoodie, your favourite one. I've learnt about all your favourite clothes. Your black Hawaiian shirt, your Billabong shorts, your favourite jeans, your peach hoodie. It's cold tonight and I can't stop thinking about you. Not for a second. I want to be beside you , wear your hoodie and sleep resting my head on your chest. I want us to listen to our playlist that we've abandoned for years and I want us to listen to our songs. Of course, I'm just dreaming. Of course, I'm only pining . I'm exhausted of the exhaustion. I'm weary of thinking about you with me. I'm tired of the tears I shed. Maybe it's not even worth it .
    But tonight, it's cold and your peach hoodie seems warm. Can I curl up next to you? Can we sleep holding each other ?
    © intezaar

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    Can we hide, I need you close
    Can we pause this moment, keep it open
    Close ,
    dance alone
    And in time we'll split our
    Hearts wide open.
    ~ pause (Prateek Kuhad)

  • inntezaar 2w

    I woke up feeling upset. I started my day thinking it's another day of struggle and worthlessness. I lay in my bed for an hour, trying to fall back into sleep . I can't sleep. I'm cursed that way. I get up and make my bed. I wash my face and bring out the packet of bread from my refrigerator. It smells stale. It has expired. I forgot getting groceries again. I throw away the bread and make myself a cup of coffee and some instant noodles. I can't eat. I try to swallow but everything seems to be stuck on my throat. I've checked my phone 10 times already. I'm left on seen. I sigh and start to study. My laptop is on my lap and I'm writing down notes. My fingers are trembling. I can't decipher whatever I'm noting down on the sheets. Tears are jerking at the corner of my eyes. I pick my phone and drop a good morning to you. You reply back 3 hours later. I try to talk to you. You dodge me. I'm hurting but I'm still asking you if you're okay, if you're feeling feverish, if you've taken your medicines. You leave me on seen and disappear. For hours. I watch you coming online and going away. I'm crying. I'm waiting. I puke in the washroom. Anxiety. Nightmares. I think of running away, going away from you. Then again, I've tried all this. Hurts to keep you close, kills to let you go. Do you read me? Do you know that I wish I never met you? Do you know that you're becoming a black hole to me?

    ~ someone who is growing to hate you

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  • inntezaar 2w

    It's a quarter to 11. I'm impatiently waiting for you to text me back. I turn off my WiFi to distract myself. I pick a book. I read 3 lines and then I'm thinking of how it feels when you read me your favourite lines. I pick my phone again. You haven't replied . I sit at my dining table and tap my fingers, a bandwagon to my anxiety. I gulp down a few spoons of my food and leave the rest. I cannot. My stomach hurts. I check my phone . You haven't replied. I text you again "did you sleep?". You are asleep, I know. I'm feeling hollow. Another night. I'm on the verge of tears. I lay down on the bed and curl my knees close to my stomach. I try to breathe. I'm crying. The tears are soiling my pillow. I stare at your chat box blankly, running my fingers through your name. I take the last resort. I go to my gallery and scroll down the pictures of your hand that I have saved into my phone. Your palm. The back of your palm. I stare at them and they stare back at me. I zoom the pictures, observing the lines that run on your palm. I try stupid things like finding the initials of my name on your palm, like I read in the article about soulmates. I'm sobbing by now, aching physically . Ali Sethi sings in my ear " na khule aankh agar khwab hai toh khwab hi sahi". I look back at our conversations, my forceful attempts to keep talking to you after you reply with "hmm" . I face the ceiling, tears rolling down my ears. I think about your promises. I think about holding you. I think about how much you mean to me and how little you care about it. I think of my love that I keep pouring into you , the love at you do not want at all. You know, when you tell me that I deserve better, that I should focus on myself, I become certain yet another time that you do not love me . How stupid it is of me, crying about you every night, knowing you're sleeping. I'll fall asleep holding the phone into my palm as though I'll lose you if I part from it. And tomorrow morning, I'll watch myself being left on seen.

    © Intezaar

    Oneday I'll wake up and the purity and forgiveness in my heart will be gone. It's of no use.

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    Na khule aankh , agar khawb hai toh khwab hi sahi

  • inntezaar 2w

    Cause I don't wanna lose you now
    I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
    The vacancy that sat in my heart
    Is a space that now you hold
    Show me how to fight for now
    And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
    Comin' back here to you once I figured it out
    You were right here all along.
    - mirrors ( Justin Timberlake)

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    Falling in love is when the presence of this person makes you release all kinds of substances in your brain, serotonins and endorphins. The moment you break up with that same person, you feel like a junkie who is not getting the drug anymore. Many times I've heard people say, "I'm in love with falling in love". You get all the best and all the worst in the same place.
    ~ Gasper Noé

  • inntezaar 2w

    We sit under an apricot tree. Kashmir this year, is colder than the previous years. The breeze stroll past his hair ; his hair , my honeydew. He leans back on the trunk of the tree and crosses his legs. He invites me to lay my head on his lap. He smells like tenderness. I call him my chaand, he calls me his Noor. I rest my head on his lap and close my eyes. His fingers find their way to my forehead. But I demand his lips to caress my skin before his fingers do. He nods his head, I'm his queen after all. He kisses my forehead and his kiss stays there long after his lips part from my skin. I've learnt to memorize his touch, I can recognise it with my eyes closed. He massages my scalp with Jasmine oil and holds my back against his chest. He plucks wildflowers from around us and embed them into my tresses. I smile, he smiles. We look like a frozen moment. He kisses me right behind my ear , just above the nape of my neck. I breathe and then I don't. He gets me breathless. He makes me breathe. He's humming our song now. I sit beside him and play my Sarang . We are singing together. I'm happy. He's my happiness. He completes me but I'm complete without him. I close my eyes wishing not to wake up from this dream.

    © Intezaar

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    Tu yahin hai
    Aakhon ke kone mein
    Jagne sone mein
    Yahin hai tu

    Tu yahin hai
    Har pal rusane
    Mujhko manane
    Yahin hai tu

    Ye doori hai dil ka veham
    Sang mere hai tu
    Hardum dum dum...

    Tu yahin hai
    Hone na hone mein
    Khud ko khone mein
    Yahin hai tu.

    ~ Yahin hai tu

  • inntezaar 3w

    We lay in bed and I observe him sinking into a deep sleep after making love to me. His chest rises and falls, my finger tracing my name on his bare skin,just above his heart , marking what's mine. His breaths lull me into the arms of peace and I finally fall asleep. In the middle of the night, I wake up startled, my nightmares following me. I'm short of breath, I'm choking, my body is shaking, anxiety is tying knots on my stomach. He wakes up hearing my teeth jittering. He grasps my hand, fill the gap between my fingers with his. His hand is patting my back, caressing my hair and he says "shaant boo, main yahin hoon. It's okay. It's going to be okay." I have trust issues. But I trust him. I stare at his curls and slow down my breathing . I'm believing him. "He said it's okay, it's going to be okay, he'll be here to make it okay", I whisper in my thoughts. I squeeze close to him until he and I are skin on skin. I close my eyes and relax into him. He's holding me. He'll hold me. I'll be okay. I look into his eyes. He smiles and my fingers run circles on his beard. He says "I love you, J". He loves me. He brings me a glass of water. I take slow sips while he kisses the knuckles on my hand. His palm is fitting into mine. I lean to kiss him ; long and slow and soft. I disappear into him.

    © Intezaar

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    Chandni raat badi der
    Ke baad aayi hai

    Lab pe ek baat badi der
    Ke baad aayi hai

    Na khule aankh
    Aagar khwab hai

    To khwab sahi hai

    ~ chaandni raat (Ali Sethi)

  • inntezaar 3w

    कोठड़े उत्थे कोठड़ा माही
    कोठे सुखदियाँ तोरियाँ
    कल्लियाँ रातां जाग के असां
    गिनियाँ तेरियां दूरियां वे

    चन कितहाँ गुज़ारी आयी रात वे?
    मेंडा जी दलीलां दे वात वे हो
    चन कितहाँ गुज़ारी आयी?

    ~ चन कितहाँ ( Ali Sethi)

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    I've built a house in your memory,
    i call my house - "our house".
    in our house,
    we've got memories for bricks,
    tears for cement to hold it all together
    decaying ivy for a garden
    echoes of laughter for music to dance at a party where I'm the only one invited
    I've got your t-shirt for a closet
    our conversations for meals
    I've got your photograph for a mirror
    and my anticipation for a clock
    I've got your promises for foundation
    & now i wonder why our house is tumbling down?
    why is it crashing on the ground?

    ~

  • inntezaar 3w

    //Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
    Yun hi pehlu mein baithe raho
    Aaj jaane ki zid na karo//

    Now when I walk by the streets, I don't hold your hand. I don't assure myself that you'll help me cross the road. I walk alone , thinking how you're walking alone. We're in two parallel worlds. But we have not stopped walking, haina? This night I hum, aaj jaane ki zidd na karo bubu, aaj jaane ki zid na karo.


    //Tum hi socho Zara
    Kyu na Roke tumhe
    Jaan jaati hai uthke jaate ho tum//

    I don't drink coffee anymore. I don't look at the sky. I don't understand these galaxies and constellations . But some evenings, when nothing fills your void, I walk to the terrace with a cup of coffee and I stare blanky at the stars. Can you see them too? Do you think of us when you look at them? Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo bubu, aaj jaane ki zidd na karo.

    //Waqt ki kaid mein
    Zindagi hai magar
    Chand ghadiya yahi hai
    Jo aazad hai //

    I've lost all my strength to fight back this loneliness. I want to sleep. The clock ticks to 3 am. I'm thinking of us. Of you. Of your voice. I want you to hold me together, put me back into pieces that are parts of your puzzle. Aaj jaane ki zid na karo bubu, aaj jaane ki zid na karo.


    ~Kaafi bikhar chuki hoon

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