After a while ,I understood something, Dark night ( problem,pain,heart breaks)is just a way of evolution, How could the dark night be bad. How could the path leading through dark night can be bad, People who were there , pushing towards the dark night can be sinner.
P.S I thought I am over with writing ( may be that was a trauma response ) Now I think I have healed and as with everything, healing also has stages ,it was first forgetting now it is liberation from the wound.
Thoughts creates a turbulence, A noise ,A friction . How the things should be, How the things could be, How things has to be.
One thing I understand , Life happens Here and Now, The life cannot be lived by understanding, It could only be felt.
It doesn't means that you don't have to do what you have to do, For peace of mind ,for sustainance of your body ,you have to do ,what you have to do.
The point is ,life doesn't happen in your mind, The life happens here , And the parameter to judge your life is emotions ( the feel ) If you feel good ,go ahead you do it right and opposite stop.( I am talking of feel of your soul ,your heart).
I ask you one question, Do you love yourself? Love yourself the way you are ! I need you to answer in this utmost honesty. Not to me ,that can be coloured with so many thoughts,( so it could be lie without you knowing it) I want to answer it to yourself, The answer in true black and white can be only two, Yes or No, If the answer is No, You carry the hate for yourself, it is obvious. But what I am trying to point out, What if the answer is yes! Yes if the answer is yes , You love yourself right now for being you, Could you hate the experiences which shaped you, Could you? Now my and your story is same , Now you can hear me out.
We all have bitter experiences in life , The heart breaks ,the deception ,the unexpected, anything which hurts us deep ,like very deep.( Yes I am talking about deep shit.) We all have and I had the same, After a heart breaks I asked the question to myself when my heart healed ( so that I can listen to it)
I asked the same question to myself, Do I love myself? Yes ,I love myself the way I am truly and honestly,( answer came) Then I asked myself ,how you ended up here with yourself ,with no noise . I was taught hard lessons from people( answer came), So I asked myself did you hate them if they helped to meet you, Yes I don't like them( my mind told me) They were bad ,they did unexpected things to me,(for my mind they were the worst people)
Then my wise heart spoke to me , How could you hate them ,if they gave you the clear road to yourself, How could you hate people who made you reach the point where you love yourself so much , How could you love yourself right now and hate those who shaped you as you are , And yes it felt right,(to me and my mind it felt right) I am liberated by the thought of it, Now I untangled the knots in my heart, Thanku for being the greatest teacher ( yes it is the biggest paradox of all ) I wish them happiness in my life, I might be able to love them in my heart ( that's a long road still) They came in my life to make me meet myself..
And it hit me ,hit me hard ,hit me today,... I can never be right fully, I can never be wrong fully, I will always be unsatisfied, There would always be something missing, I would rarely find happiness for more than a moment or few, There would always be a lack, Something missing will always be my part,
Coz I am a human, And my survival is the utmost priority, So I would alway be seeking , Always be jumping further in the moment.. That's how I am trained from generation, The information is etched into my DNA. Passed from several generations to me....
And here I find myself sitting alone, Having everything ,more than sufficient for my survival and luxury, Staring into limbo, With a feeling of something missing, And given a few more time to this feeling , I will sulk ,sulk into unhappiness.... .. Coz I am human.. That's a part and parcel of being human. What I learned in all these year,( disclaimer- I also learned knowledge and information are never ever complete) We all have to focus somewhere, Focus our mind ,not to play games on us, Some do it knowingly ,some do it unknowingly And the masters of the men do it the meditation way....
I asked why I fear, I asked what I fear, I asked myself ...... Why .... A voice came deep down inside from me, Clear like crystal,
My dear .. The unanticipated , The unknown, What you cannot see ,you fear.... What you cannot know ,you fear....
Oh child, Listen to me carefully, You cannot see, I know everything, You are limited, Keep patience And listen up,
You are a part of a larger plan, You cannot see, You cannot know the road ahead, You can know ,what you think of now only, And what you have ,you fear of loosing... If one road become tortuous or one road become closed, Both lead you to a higher and new path...
See the magic when you loose the fear, See the magic of trusting me, Inhale and trust
I wanted to save you from the world, As you were in my eyes a 'Rabbit' A beautiful defenseless creature , But I forgot the lack of courage you had,was your behavior,and behaviour are for all , it' not specific, So in my blindsiding ,I and eventually you become the victim, It was two faced for me, For the one face I wanted to protect you and from the other side it was the demon eating me, Your same behavior which was a ground of connection for me to you became the demon for me, Your meek behaviou was for all, The same meek behavior for which I wanted to protect you,protect you from the world, The same behavior towards me was injuring me , Making me bleed, I was an injured hero of your life, And I am not a god, That injured hero of your life became your culprit, I made you bleed with my own hands, ...... I from the saviour became the savage... That cycle continues, Now I am breaking the cycle, The injured hero is taking an retirement, I don't want to become a Robin hood, Snatching from one giving to others, I protected you ,I bled from you and then I again hurt you..
Almost everything has changed and the pain is too much to bare Not a single day goes by when I don’t miss you and shed a tear. Never again will I be able to call you mine The heartache I’m going through is impossible to define. I tried so hard, I gave my best But it wasn’t enough, and now there’s nothing left. How do I fix a heart that’s broken into two? My life is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do. I laugh, I smile and I pretend like everything is alright But I'm broken on the inside, and I cry every night. I try to stay strong, but miserably fail I’d rather be numb than feel this pain. I crave the sound of your voice and your warm embrace The look in your eyes, that smile on your face. I wish you were here to wipe my tears away I die a little bit inside every single day. Being loved by you was the best feeling ever All the beautiful moments we spent together, I’ll cherish forever! The void you’ve left is impossible to fill I loved you then and I forever will.
*It's just a poem. It's not meant to make anyone feel sad.