What should i tell about when there is gushing thoughts every now and then. The mind has no rest to settle with the running thoughts. The Chaos are overlapping each other with multiple organic disorders. Each organ diluting itself slowing one after other.
I can say i have been ignoring almost everyone from my life, most importantly friends. have you ever felt that the people you have given your heart out, almost everything to the one person or that one friend who was very dear to you? And all they do is play fair in front of you and bark behind on you.
People say life doesn't give second chances but the question here is even if there’s a cent percent chance will you be willing to take that? Most of the times we might end up refusing but most other times we definitely will be taking that chance irrespective of what the struggle would seem like. Similar is the case of life and love without being there for each other they won’t survive. Just imagine the life without love in it? with who would you share things to? who would you tease to? who would you fight with? who would you laugh with? with whom would you share your first ride? or imagine a love without life. Isn’t that so sick to even think about it?
There are times we feel that we have everything with us as we have that perfect Job, family to support, friends to care and life with no struggle. But when the day comes knocking your door with the empty hand and you will have nothing to give. How would you give the day when you yourself don’t have anything except the dark looming picture up on the ceiling and the emptiness filled with chaos, anxiety and stress. Sometimes even after having everything nothing feels good.
I tried everything from reading to cooking and from meditation to volunteering. Believe me nothing worked. Not a thing. Instead i lost interest in everything. From friends to family, from books to arts. What i never ever lost interest in is traveling. The moment i take a time to even think about it every place gets in front of my eyes. Making me seeking more of it. But pandemic has ruined it all. That will stay forever making it more.
I am really not sure how things will turn out to be in future but i will try traveling more often because that's the only way i “HOPE” i can heal myself.
I know this journey of process Is becoming more and more unyielding At one point it seems worthy a risk But the other moment it seems more Of a tormenting pain and unrealistic Every nerve filled with the restlessness And hopelessness hovering over the Diaphragm. My whole system collapsing in the very Verge of its existence. The anxious me searching desperately for the Love in the places And littlest things Of someones cold arms
There was a time when you To click lots of pictures With me But I would just refuse Saying that none Of these will really matter Until I am there in your heart. You see it's been months I do remember the picture we clicked In these mirror reflecting us That that pictures were perfect How that moment was perfect Was we have seized in the lens Of our cameras But now everything of it gets blurry The moment we spent Those laughter That tapri wali chai I do remember things We did but I don't remember Clearly You see everything starred fading away Is it because of you have moved on Or I tend to forget evey possible thing For answers you looking in me I really don't have. I no longer remember your face Its all blurry And some days I just Somehow recollect that Face of your I get scared Scared So much that I Close my eyes And ears and scream Scream untill everything fades away. I have developed this phobia Called pistanthrophobia. I am on such verge of life That I can't even trust my own self You have shattered every Piece of mine And throttled until it became the pool Of blood. . . . #iconography
I whispered forgiveness to myself when the lights were dim and the stars came out. My feelings wrapped in a warm towel placed on my soul to comfort my loneliness. I stood there, a trance numbing my senses into a hypnotic bliss. Slowly time ticks by, and yet I find myself unmoved. Transfixed, by the calmness of the night. Like a blank canvas, With no pressure to spill colors, I just exist to be. Haven't got a nerve to suffer, As I dreamt of you in colors that don't exist. I miss exploring those geographical spaces connecting me to your beyondness under the familiar. But comforting garb of the mundane causing a silent sorrow. I had loved your every silhouette and it shall be loved constantly, Even when I've said my goodbye. I'd beg of you not to mourn the days of us. I'd beg you to remember the days when the wind blew free with no permenant direction. It was your animating spark I either disliked or fell in love with. Every memory, Pixels your ethereal face in the destiny's internal time and space, Where i heal u into my deepest breath. Do forgive my sick obsessions to always hold you in my possession. I know, You're just too good to be true. An overwhelming passion. And I realized that holding on could not build my strength. And that sometimes letting go would make me strong. I guess, This heart now knows when the search is finally over.
I walked up to a class Where they taught numbers Of my world, in their world. We were breathing the same air, And I thought them to be same But they gave life, to numbers And took away their identify.
5÷5 was no longer equal to one, Social equality took over one. Five and five meant you and me, being weighed on the same scale. No matter how different we are No matter how talented you are We will always, weigh the same.
3×3 was no longer equal to nine. They got multiplied, but with gender equality And showed the result as 33. 3 and 3 meant you and me Being weighed on their justice scale In the hope of giving justice That was denied forever.
1-1 was no longer equal to zero They got subtracted, but with injustice, and their channels of travel. One and one meant you and me. Kilograms, colours, and everything that was prefixed by excess, minus Instagram, Facebook, twitter, Placed everyone together, At the zero scale.
Damn! Such a perfect world, I thought. But then I saw maths, sitting in a corner Weeping out silently Having a frisson of fear flowing down its body As justice got denied to it. Numbers were taken off from its body And displayed as 'justice for sale' To anyone who was denied one. And then came, addition.
+1 forever meant adding one, Privilege points to the equal justice To disturb their equilibrium. Plus one meant you and me. One point got added to mine, For being a woman, the weak. One point got added to mine, For being a black, the oppressed. One point got added to mine, For being a tribe, the denied. One point got added to mine, For not being straight, and trans.
An evil twin of justice took birth, having mockery of its sister Flowing high in its veins. And morality died too, with the barriers of injustice. My points now, weighed higher than yours. Not because I deserved, But because the society Wore the blindfolds of Lady justice And chose, the wrong twin of justice.
My heart is rusting over. I can't control it. Guess that happens when secrets are kept. Like ice on the pavement They only seek to estrange us. I remain perilous close to his edge, potentially falling in while he reaches for another taste as the cravings intensified. And each time I feel he has forsaken his ways, His deception overtakes my faith always... All his blames are a beautiful thing shifting in the inky blackness of deceit. And as he gracefully fades from my life like foggy breath fades in the winter, I too now decide to end a loveship that once was important to me, Since, I found myself fixing what he had done to my body, mind and soul. Alone. An overwhelmed heart bursts not with a splash of blood but a trickle of tears. Surely, I can't trust people like I used to but he's taught me a lot, about how people are deceived especially those we turn a blind eye to. Well, I just hope he finds the happiness he's been pretending to have with me. Sure, I will miss him like a bad habit, and yearn to see his eyes like the steely kisses of cold metal on my wrist, However tonight, this poem won't be mourning him — it'll be mourning my wounds, with his name written all over them. I shall no longer allow myself to think of us. I'm going to take all of these scars And build a highway to the stars. If there, we do ever meet again, He'll be at different phase, A person I no longer know at all...
दिखाई देती है मुझे मेरी छवी, बड़ी बड़ी आँखों वाली छोटी सी लड़की, उन आँखों में मगर सपने बहुत बड़े थे, अब तो खैर आँखें वो दिखती नहीं चश्मे का पहरा जो लग गया है.
दिखाई देती है मुझे ठंडी सी छांव, गर्मी के महीनों में मेरा वो छोटा सा गांव, महीनों की छुट्टियाँ तब सुकून से गुज़रती थी, अब तो छुट्टियों के भी बस सपने रह गए हैं, अब हम बड़े जो हो गए हैं.
दिखाई देती है मुझे मेरी छोटी सी दुनिया, वहाँ मैं हूँ, मेरे खिलौने हैं मेरा घर, मेरा स्कूल, मेरे माँ-पापा, सब हैं बस एक ज़िंदगी की मुश्किलें नहीं हैं.
जीवन के इस मोड़ पर जब मैं पीछे देखती हूँ, मुझे वो सपने दिखते हैं जिन्हें मैं जी रही हूँ, जी रही हूँ? या सपने पूरे करने में जीना छूट गया है?
वक़्त बदला, शहर बदला, घर भी बदल ही गया. अब हम अपने ही घर में मेहमान हैं, जिस ज़िंदगी के पीछे ज़िंदगी भर भागते रहे, आज वो भी है पर भी उसमे ज़िंदगी कहाँ है, आज जो हम खुद के घर मेहमान हैं ये इसी ज़िंदगी की तो दान है.