girlnextdoor477

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  • girlnextdoor477 7w

    Thoughts

    "Everything happens for a reason"

    But does it really or is that something we tell ourselves to justify why something bad is happening .
    I have to believe.
    There has to be a reason, a conclusion, some type of reward at the end of our suffering .
    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 11w

    Panic

    You're fighting
    to swim upward,
    to get some air before it's too late.
    You see the light at the top but there is no end in sight.
    You accidently breath in, just hoping you will be okay but it's just filling your lungs with water.
    The sense of panic is real.
    Your head is spinning from the lack of oxygen,
    you're fighting to not pass out.
    You try to encourage yourself "keep going, you've got this, you'll be okay...you're going to make it" but your body is telling you otherwise.
    For a moment,
    it's dark,
    you lose consciousness....
    But then you wake up,
    there's a crowd of people surrounding you ,
    staring at you like you're in a circus for their amusement.
    Everyone has an opinion.
    All talking about how you could have prevented this
    or
    if you just swam hard enough to top you would have been fine.
    Panic attacks are like that.
    You can try and prepare and prevent, but that doesnt always help.
    They will never understand what it's like to drown with nothing to save you.

    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 13w

    Don't Go

    I don't know if I can do it ...
    To just let you go?
    Pretend as if I don't love you ?
    Pretend that I moved on.
    To know we are both hurting for the same reason.
    You see raw emotion, true sincerity, when I found out you have to leave.
    You seen what I tried to hide.
    All the tears that come down.
    The panic attack taking place.
    Vulnerable. Embarrassed. Foolish.
    These emotions take over, and you see I'm powerless against them.
    Avoid eye contact, body language turned away , hiding my face.
    And then I hear it.....
    I hear the cries you tried to hide.
    Your hug is tight, as if you'll never let me go.
    "I never thought I'd find someone like you".
    "I wish I never fell in love with you".
    Those words you said keep repeating in my mind.
    There is no choice when you've been told you are being deployed.
    And even though your still here,
    It doesn't matter because I know what's to come.
    Do you continue until the end ?
    Or go your seperate ways right away, knowing they're still here?
    Is there a right answer?

    Follow your heart, they say...
    But my heart is gone
    Leaving me alone.
    To face this.
    By myself...
    Again.

    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 17w

    Why Am I Never Good Enough

    Go on a diet, stop eating so much.
    You look like you starve yourself, eat more. Why can’t I be good enough?
    You’d look prettier if you smiled more.
    Why do you smile so much? Why can’t I be good enough?
    I say black, you say white.
    I say left, you say right.
    There’s nothing I can do to make you happy; I will never be good enough.
    If I can’t be good enough for someone who brought me into this world
    Then how can I be good enough for anyone else.

    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 17w

    "Don't Let Me Be Forgotten"

    Do you remember what you told me?
    “Don’t let me be forgotten” as if you were inconsequential.
    You’re like the random brisk of air flowing through your hair.
    The chills running down your spine.
    The flickering light in the corner of your eye.
    You’re the instant mood change in the atmosphere.
    I can’t see you.
    But every once in awhile I can feel you.
    You’re nothing predictable, in fact you’re contingent.
    You’re the shooting star in the darkest of skies.
    The rainbow at the end of a storm.
    You’re an anomaly. One of a kind.
    I missed you today.
    I missed you yesterday.
    And I will forever continue to keep your memory alive.
    You are not forgotten.

    Happy birthday
    I miss you, friend.

    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 17w

    Ultimate Cosmic Joke

    *Trigger warning*
    (Words are figurative)


    Life is a fickle thing.
    A trickster.
    Ironic.
    Some may even say cruel.
    You give me this opportunity,
    A chance to open up.
    So I take it.
    This was nothing but a test.
    A test that I failed.

    Something bad happened and it obviously changed everything.

    You dangled a gift right in front of me,
    Only to take it away before I even knew.

    And here it goes,
    I found yet another one who's unsure.
    Unsure of their feelings.
    Unsure on what they want to do.
    Open up they say,
    Talk,
    So I do, only to have what I feared come true.
    You say you need time to think things through.
    How can you say you're sure of me when you don't know what to do.

    My heart is already hurting,
    Breaking into a million pieces.
    I know what's yet to come, so do I pull the trigger myself.

    Or do I wait knowing the result.

    Waiting for you to do it yourself ?

    I fight every urge to just push you away, to shut you out before you have the chance to say.

    Yet, a glimmer of hope remains.

    I'm angry, not at you, but at myself.
    I took a chance knowing I shouldn't.
    I suffered a loss...more than one.
    I watch the clock ticking,
    Staring at my phone,
    Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 17w

    Numb

    I felt so much with you,
    That when you left,
    Every feeling I had, left with you,
    And now I'm sitting here, numb.
    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 18w

    Forgive Yourself

    Forgive your parents for not being able to love you the way you needed .

    Then forgive yourself for looking for love in all the wrong places.

    It's levels to healing

  • girlnextdoor477 19w

    Endometriosis- True Pain

    The news is here.
    And excitement fills the room.
    Even though I share your excitement
    I can’t help but to crumble even lower.
    Sometimes they take it for granted.
    To have the gift of life.
    Each time a new announcement arrives
    My heart suffers another crack
    Breaking it down even more.
    Day to day I suffer extreme pains with no relief in sight.
    Hospital trips, to break the pain.
    Everyday I suffer with nausea, just because.
    It’s a reminder of the cards I’ve been dealt.
    Having this gift is not impossible, just very unlikely
    So, what is a girl suppose to do?
    Pretend like It doesn’t bother me?
    Sit and smile?
    I listen to your story; I celebrate your news and laugh.
    But when I go home another tear falls.
    Envious. Resentful. Shame
    That’s how I feel.
    Does it make me a bad person?
    To want what you have.
    To be jealous of the one thing I can’t do.
    To cringe every birthday knowing my window is even smaller than most.
    My hope is fading.
    ©girlnextdoor477

  • girlnextdoor477 26w

    Daddy's Little Girl

    Daddy’s little girl.
    You’d put on your work boots and I knew what that meant.
    Time to stop you any way that I can.
    I tell you I’m sick and I cannot move.
    You come over worried for a moment or two, you tickled my sides knowing I’d break.
    “It’s time for work, oh goodness sake”.
    I begged and pleaded for you to stay.
    You continued to get ready, it was time for phase two, so I wrapped around your leg, untying your shoe.
    Please stay.
    As you backed your car out, I was banging on the window, avoiding my stare or you could not go.
    A single father, you’re doing your best.
    A daughter who missed you, caused you nothing but stress.
    You were my hero and my best friend.
    My mentor until the end.
    As time passed it got messy.
    I sat quietly hoping it was a phase,
    As I wait my heart ablaze.
    Love, sex, drugs
    What could be better?
    These are the things that made you forget her.
    Time has flown by, it stops for no one.
    Your mind is deteriorating enough to notice.
    That you are likely suffering from some prognosis.
    I stand before you,
    Wishing you knew
    That I’m your daughter and I’ve always loved you.
    It’s as if time turned back, I am that daughter banging on that window hoping you’ll see me.
    But everyday you drive away,
    Not knowing at night I’m wide awake.
    I will forever be my daddy’s little girl.
    ©girlnextdoor477