This Still Needs Healing (Part 1)
I was just 5 when I first met you.
Mom stole your heart, but you saw me too.
I was witty, independent, stubborn and smart.
Instantly, I too, stole your heart.(I'm already crying.)
I didn't really get the concept of a "dad."
Besides 8 months, Grandpa was all I had.
And I fought tooth and nail to keep Mom mine. All mine.
Yet, you told me if I let you love us we'd be fine.(More tears.)
It took about a year to break my walls.
Park trips, bike rides, fishing, camping,
We did it all.
And though "Dad" was a name I kept reserved,
"This is my daughter," with no doubt were your words.
When I was 8, we found out I would have a brother.
He was Mom's favorite, but I was your favorite daughter.
I couldn't foresee how everything would shift.
A car accident, a slipped disc, addictive scripts.
Let's fast forward to the time when I was 12.
You and Mom were turning Heaven into Hell.
I was perceptive, I watched everything fall apart.
Your demon, Oxy, finally came out of the dark.
I kept it in, I didn't want to get taken away.
All I wanted was for things to be okay.
Fighting, screaming, lies, deceit became the norm.
"Just get a divorce," I begged, "Before we're REALLY torn!"
Three more years went by, I felt you both slipping away.
I met my birth dad, but it wasn't the same.
See, in those three years, he was in and out too.
But for the last 10 years, my father was YOU. (Hold them back!)
I remember the fight that was the end.
Your secretary was "nothing but a friend."
But I read the letter that Mom had found, too.
Copied and pasted and sent your words right back to you, I knew.
The next year, you found another to hold your heart,
Still you promised me we'd NEVER fall apart.
I still believe it was you that locked Mom up.
This was the beginning of you losing all my love.
Two more years, I'm 18, Mom's love didn't fade.
You pulled her right back in, she didn't see the blade.
You both danced in a cruel and deadly intoxication.
She ran away from you and your common fixations.
Before she got away, this is the part that gets forgotten,
If she lost you, she had to lose her two begotten.
So you played the game of "he's mine" with my brother,
And you dug a trench between me and my mother.
That girl you got with after the secretary,
She was your new victim, you were gonna remarry!
Which would have been fine, if you kept yourself together.
You made a new family, and left me there to whether.
"I'm always here, I'll always love you," you fucking promised!
But you were overtaken long before you made the comment.
And in the last 6 years, I was already so betrayed,
I decided I didn't want to risk your blade.
(Don't do it, B.)
It remains one of the toughest things I've done.
Still I saw no choice but to cut you off and run.
Here we are, 9 and a half years flew right by.
MOST of the time I block you out just fine.
Most. But every-so-often.. That trigger gets hit,
And in the moment, I'm not okay one bit.
See, your so consumed by your demons, you're not you.
I can never tell you what you put me through.
Opi's your new demon, and boy oh boy! Is he strong!
He'd find a way to make you right and make me wrong.
I know my Senior photo still sits in your wallet,
My little brother recently confirmed he saw it.
And it's not just my broken heart that keeps me from you,
How dare you break that bright eyed little boys heart too!(Sobbing)
How dare you put him through the horrors that I saw!
Then have the audacity to wonder why there's no calls!
I wish I could tell you that my love for you is gone.
I wish I could tell you that I've been done and moved on.
That's the thing, though your name makes me feel sick,
I wish it never ever had to be like this.
I've gotten really good at learning how to deal,
But I haven't a clue where to begin to heal.
Cause when I'm all alone and I do think of you.
Not just my heart, my whole soul rips right in two.
You won't see this, but if somehow it comes your way.
I still never really want to see your face.
I cannot heal, but I have learned resistance.
Protect myself...by loving you from a distance.