#suicidalideations

3 posts
  • mmbftd 60w

    Migraine

    Today is a new day
    The day after
    The bombs were dropped
    Inside my head
    I felt a fissure there
    Deep in my skull
    Though no one else could see it
    And as I became twisted
    Wreckage of human
    Caught up in sweaty
    Uncomfortable blankets
    Suddenly too rough on my skin
    I begged all forces unseen
    To release me from my anguish
    Even death was a welcome
    Suitor
    The throb of my eyes
    With every weak heartbeat
    Smashed my face
    With such force
    Tears poured out of me
    But crying made it worse
    So I detached into a wiggle
    Back and forth
    As I lay on the couch
    No comfort in that either
    Only a way to mark time
    In front of me.
    Time, the only elixir for this
    Evil malady
    I tried everything over these years
    Yet nothing helped but time
    Darkness, noiseless, smell-less
    Void.
    No pills, shots, meditation, vitamin, nor amount of positive vibes could cure this.
    And so I suffer and endure
    One, two, three days on the calendar
    Two maybe three times a month
    And I lose those days
    So I am extra grateful for the ones I get, without my skull demon riding me.
    And there are so many hardships out in this world. My issue is so miniscule, and this I know.
    But in my bubble of existing, I only think of myself at those times, and simotaneously trying to survive and yet welcoming death should he appear to take me.
    And so today is the day after
    My pain is gone enough to stand
    Gone enough to sip water and see this light blaring into me.
    But my mind is not sharp, not quick. I am a dumbed down version of my normal self.
    Cognitive function very dim.
    A few more days of this now.
    I bend my knee and spout gratitude into the air around me and farther, into the universe.
    My tears now in gratitude instead of pain.
    I've survived again. As we are all trying to do.
    Now what shall I do with this new precious time?
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 103w

    Silent

    When you begin
    Your anger welling up
    From within
    I don't know where to go
    I want to help
    It's my first reaction
    When you are angry
    Or frustrated
    And you yell out
    In absolute
    Exasperation
    Because the world presses down on you
    And me
    In different ways
    And you don't let me help
    So I want to run away
    Or cry
    Because every thing is
    My fault
    Always
    And always was
    And always will be
    From the time I was small
    Till this time now
    Being old.
    So. I have learned (although it goes against every single part of me)
    To stay silent
    Or go away from you.
    Because I get angry too
    And I need to remind myself
    How much it affects you
    When I do that to you too.
    Although I rarely get angry with you
    It is life or other people who continue to hurt me
    But I cannot escape them
    I am bound by obligation
    Much like you feel you are to me
    And your silence far outweighs
    Mine
    And it hurts to never speak or be spoken to
    Now your anger has passed
    As my panic has grown to an undeniable pitch
    Until I spill out of myself
    In tears and choppy
    Barely sustaining breaths.
    So I hide from you
    To allow myself to be possessed
    By the other spirit
    Of chaos
    Created from toxic shame
    Guilt and self-loathing.
    It tells me your life would be so much better
    If I wasn't here-
    And my life would be better
    If I wasn't.
    You and I would be free of this tether...
    But I shush those voices
    As I always have
    As I always will
    From a young girl
    Until now
    An old woman
    with wrinkles mapped out on a face that carries sadness like it is all she has ever known.
    I cry into the silence
    And look around
    As the chaos spirit
    Lessens it's hold
    Around my soul.
    I am alone, and once again-
    Silent.
    Just the way you prefer me.
    And the way I was always shown.
    ©mmbftd

  • emily_burke 173w

    Every time I wait for the train to arrive
    My heart awaits eagerly
    As the lights begin to appear
    Through the dark tunnel
    I see hope
    The lights get brighter
    And I close my eyes

    My feet leave the platform
    To float seconds above the ground
    Before the train sweeps me away
    To my final destination

    When I open my eyes
    A tear traces my cheek
    Realizing I'm still haunted
    By my reality

    ©emily_burke