"I caused it" That was the first thought on my mind as I saw his dead body while watching the video, "I could have prayed, I could have love him more, I could have warned him, I could have stayed in school longer, I could have talk to him" My mind kept on rambling on what I could have done to see him alive.
The painful thing is I dreamt about everything but I thought it was an ordinary dream, I believed he won't go as far as going away from home to swim in an unknown river.
"George" I kept trying to call him, even though I was watching how they found his corpse in the river through the video because I could not bear seeing his dead body. I wished he could just stand and say it was just a joke. "How could he be the only one to die in the midst of 27 students"
His death was so painful, December 2019 was my worst year, I watched my mum cry and bawl, I watched my father get old and tired within the three days they were finding his dead body in the river. I had to be the caretaker, I had no time to mourn or cry, I just have to be the one who has to give others hope while I was the one hurting most.
Cross over to 2020 was so sad, my parents could not help crying in the church, people still had to pet them. I kept thinking how will 2020 be like since my brother death has taken most of our happiness.
But the saying when there is life, there is hope kept me going, I was scared my mum might deny God because she kept asking "Why me God" while I kept blaming myself for my lack of prayer and love and something told me your love and prayer could have saved him, you saw the vision before it happened for a reason but you were to careless to care.
We got into 2020 and I knew this is another phase of life, I have learnt but how will I deal with my lessons.
My parents became stronger, they prayed more, serve God more, Love him more and I thought if it was my child can I be as strong as them but the thing is we will all fall and fail many times, most times we will be the one at fault but we just have to know we need to rise again, those pains and guilt might want to weigh us down but we have the power to say No.
I went back to school February and took things seriously but my parents got overprotective but the thing is we got stronger as a family, l started learning to forgive myself and I allowed myself to love people more and include them in my prayer and when Covid-19 came, I thought what if Covid-19 would have been another cause of his death, what if he has died during the End SARS protest, what if he has been shot one day.
It is true that my Love and Prayer could have saved him, that is why we need to love and pray for our loved ones, we need to care and never be scared to tell people we love them and never be too occupied to pray for them.
Experience is the best teacher either good or bad, let us grow past it. Life is too short to spend it on anger and what if