An affair ended
Wow, It's been a year since we first met! A whole year that just flew by! A year of discovering you, getting to know your quirks and personality. A year of sharing and enjoying your body. A year of kisses and hugs and countless "I love you's". And a year of revelation for me. Discovering who I am apart from J- when I love someone else. I never thought the day would come when I could care for someone as much as I cared for him. You showed me how wrong I was. You showed me that I can love again. Wholly and unequivocally. Giving myself, my body and my heart to someone whom I'm vulnerable to and for me, it was beautiful. Wrong or not, I'll treasure you all the days of my life. You told me the next time I call it off with you for me to be sure because your heart can't take the back and forth. I'm sure by now you know what this note is. I promise you I haven't made this decision lightly but, this time, I'm sure. This past year has also been a year of envy and jealousy; of guilt and confession; of forgiveness and redemption; of loneliness and trying to find my worth and value. I've never wished I was someone else more than this year. Wishing I was someone more prominent in your life rather than a shameful secret hidden in a secret folder in your phone. And I've NEVER wished I was born anywhere else like New York or New Jersey but, this year I did, so that perhaps it was me that met you first. But life happens as it happens and here we are. A girl in love with a boy who she can't have. I started this journey with the mindset of wanting to find someone to have a relationship with that led to marriage. Instead, I found you. I don't know why we have this connection between us. All I know is that it's intense and really REALLY hard to walk away from (you'll never know how hard). When I'm away from you I tell myself that I made it up in my head. That there isn't possibly a connection as strong as I think it is. And then I see you and it's like the world stops and everything slows down. I'm aware of nothing outside of us and yet, my senses are heightened. It's just me and you and no one else. My mind that is so cluttered and confused and constantly daydreaming just stops and clears out and you're all that I see. You're all I can think of even while I'm physically with you. I'm consumed by you and your presence. But that consumption doesn't stop for me once we're apart. I think of you constantly. Always wondering what you're doing. Are you smiling? Are you dancing? Are you eating chocolate? Are you tired? Are you singing? Are you thinking of me too? I thought that I could see you until I meet someone else but, once again, you showed me how wrong I was. I'm stunted by my love for you. You see, in thinking of you constantly there's no way that anyone else could possibly have a chance to win me over. How could they? They aren't you. They don't compare. They've lost before they even begun. But I desperately want to grow with someone. Plant roots with someone. Have inside jokes and car rides with the windows down while we listen to music and hold hands. I want hugs from behind while I'm standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. I want naps on the couch while we hold each other. I want late night talks and early mornings of whispers asking "are you awake?" I want someone who I don't have to be a secret to. And I can't have that and keep you too. I have to choose. I have to walk away from you. Please know this isn't easy for me. If this were a letter then the ink would blur from my tears that are falling. I'm sorry for sending this after seeing you. There's no way I could've said all this to your face. I would go silent and it would physically be impossible for me to even form the words to tell you goodbye. I'm afraid I would be highly emotional and crying violently. And I can't see the sadness in your eyes, let alone see you cry. It would break me and make me want to call it off and say "I'm sorry I'll never leave you!" But, my love, that's not fair to me. The only way I can do this is like this. I know you asked for me to allow you to "release" me but I can't do that either. I would never go through with it. I could never walk away from you. Instead I have to slink away as one unseen. As a secret that no one knows about. A chapter ended in a book that no one knows you even read. But, when you reflect back, I hope that this year has been as magical and revealing for you as it has been for me. I hope you find satisfaction in your marriage K-, I sincerely do. I hope, in the end, that you're happy. This life goes so fast and so suddenly and before you know it your children are grown, the house is paid for, savings have accumulated and you're grey and a little more worn down. I hope you're able to look back fondly and feel gratitude for everything that you've experienced. I hope you look back and feel proud for the man you are and will be. And I hope you know how amazing, talented and exceptional you are. You're the sweetest man that I've ever met. I'm so proud that I got to meet you and I feel lucky that you saw something in me worth loving. I thought I wasn't worth loving from a good man. But, again, you showed me how wrong I was. Thank you for that. I needed that lesson. Because of you I know I can require more from someone. That I can hope for a man who is funny and sweet and loving and who wants a life with me. And try as I might, I'm sure I'll see you when I look at him. That I'll see you and what could've been. That there is no him without you. Because you were the sacrifice that had to happen for him to happen. I'll be thankful to you and for you always. Thank you for what's to come and thank you for loving me. I needed that.
All my love -