104 posts
  • nocturnal_enigma 7w

    * 602nd post; 76 posts till 678th (Target)

    * 29.8.2021; 4.19 A.M

    #Schizophrenia #Seizure #Insane #Madness #Mania
    #Scissors #enemies #egomania #worsen #hatred

    SZR = SchiZophRenia, SeiZuRe
    & ScisZors (sound like this)

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    SZR ~

    I have...schi-zoph-renia;
    I had few sudden seizures.

    I am very insane; Madness; Mania.
    Once, I sliced my thumb with scissors.

    I do still have insomnia.
    It’s worse than seizures.

    If I have enemies; Their egomania...
    will worsen; Hatred cut like scissors.

    © Nuruliffa Emirah
    @ nocturnal_enigma

  • faceless90 8w

    Maniacal Mindset

    This maniacal mindset will not quiet my mind yet.

    Aside from a psyche den where will I reside when I find myself mindless crying silently quite sick???

  • nocturnal_enigma 8w

    What makes me, ME ~

    I'm NOT for all.
    I am all four.
    I'm NOT alone, after all.
    'I Am Number Four.'

    I have 4...
    different personalities.
    While my Enneagram...
    is No. 4.

    1. My real self: Nuruliffa Emirah
    2. My manly self: Affilurun Harime
    3. My foreign self: No-eul Iva Emily
    4. My pious self: Arfiyah Khairunnisa

    Dissociative Identity Disorder @ DID
    Social anxiety disorder @ SAD
    Deep depression.

    I still stay up at some nights; Being nocturnal.
    Scared of nightmares; Insomniac; Still emotional.
    My sudden mental-breakdown is like a signal...
    that I'm depressed. �� Tears �� form a canal.

    I like alpacas and llamas.
    I like to binge-watch K-dramas.
    Sometimes, I have dilemmas.
    Stop all types of stigmas!

    My first name is Nuruliffa.
    At times, I want to go far...��‍♀️
    away and be the alpha...��
    of my new life. Insofar.

    Nurul means 'the light...
    of'; Of what? Dark night?
    Maybe!; I'll show my slight...
    smile �� to my Dark Knight.

    Dad said, Iffa means 'dew'. ��
    I like the sound of mew. ��
    I'm only known by a few.
    Hope no ��‍♀️ enemy. Phew! ��

    While, Emirah means 'princess.' ��
    I usually ate alone during recess.
    I often feel that, I am too much; �� An excess.
    Want love ❤️, health ��, happiness �� & success ��

    © Nuruliffa Emirah
    @ nocturnal_enigma


    * 582nd post; 96 posts till 678th (Target)

    * 21.8.2021; 3.54 A.M (Malaysia)

    * 40 lines of prose + poem

    #miraquill #writersnetwork #ceesreposts #challenge #conceptprompt #unique_chall


    * I Am Number Four is a 2011 SciFi/Action movie

    * Only Schizophrenia is diagnosed by psychiatrists. While, DID, SAD & depression are known by my half-conscience. But, they did notice changes of my moods & personalities

    * Compare to Split movie and Kill Me, Heal Me Kdrama, I only have 4 different personalities, instead of 24 & 7.

    * I also have suicidal thoughts: (plus failed attempts)
    "Do you ever feel like want to kill yourself? Feel like doesn't want to live anymore? Better to just die?"

    * My psychiatrist asked me whether I still heard those thoughts, but, I lied to her by said "No", because I'm afraid if I tell the truth, I have to be in the psychiatric ward again & what worst is ECT! I don't want to do that ever again.

    #DID #Schizophrenia #SAD #Depression


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    What makes me, ME ~

    (Read Caption)

  • nocturnal_enigma 10w

    * 13.8.2021; 1.54 A.M (Malaysia)
    #sky #far #rainy
    #WordPlay #Pun
    * 571st post
    * 107 more posts until 678th

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    Schizophrenia ~

    I have schizo-ph-renia!
    Sky is so far & rainy, ya!

    © Nuruliffa Emirah
    @ nocturnal_enigma

  • faceless90 13w


    No one is suspicious if you show them that you're mischief's uncontrollable when misfits of unholiness come visit your sick soul that is exquisitely atrocious when the dybbuks now exfoliate your senses then revolt against their fleshless less than full life half than blessed with any sonar that's been left with every poser that is preciously exposing any threatening exposure to the restless...

  • firozikalam 28w

    Will you come back

    It feels like I'm schizophreniac...
    I talked to u in head ...n see u in my dreams
    Like a home that's half burnt already
    May be I talk abt you to everyone
    And they cant even hear me bae

    I can't see your pic on ' lost n found '
    Like you just only playing hide n seek
    Will you come back ...
    Wen I get tired ...of this mind game shit
    Coz it feels like I'm schizophreniac ..
    And you keep popping up in my dreams ...

    To the last street we took ...
    N the last evening we saw ...
    Will u spill ur warmthness
    To end this cold war ...
    Darling I will be waiting for u ...
    To come out of that dark ...
    Its lonely here ...
    Talking to u in head
    And seeing you only in my dreams !


  • rogue77 28w

    I am disturbed

    I am disturbed in this mind
    Can I free myself in the nick of time
    To escape this human prison wall
    Leave behind a legacy or nothing at all
    I am disturbed by these words that I hear
    We have to save ourselves is what I feared
    A chaotic mind much harder to restrain
    Being schizophrenic has distorted my brain
    It will take a lifetime to fully understand
    I am disturbed and yet here I still stand

  • sassmyass1 33w


    Behind the curtains, an amulet was found,

    An amulet that shot elixir into the clouds,

    From fluffy white's, the aggressive wolves attacked,

    Killing the herd of sheep that strived below,

    All that was visible at a point in time, was a foamy crevice located beneath the mounts,

    Its bubbling echoed with beeping sounds until the cloud woke up in a psychiatric ward,

    It refused to consume the antidote, returning time and time again back at the ward,

    The cloud's denial continued to cloud its consciousness, with rainbows that appear during the fall

    The poor soul believed that it's the chosen one; capable of existing along with a phenomenon,

    A happy trail that leads to a treasure; is far from what the cloud will ever know about...

    Behind those curtains returns the cloud,

    The amulet haunts the condensing cloud,

    At a point, the water's will rise about...unveiling the veiled up mess that resulted from the cloud...

  • rogue77 33w

    This Feeling

    This feeling of anger
    This feeling of fear
    This feeling of anxiety
    This feeling of despair
    This feeling of loneliness
    This feeling of pain
    This feeling of numbness
    This feeling of shame
    This feeling of emptiness
    This feeling of frustration
    This feeling of hopelessness
    This feeling of desperation

  • miracle___ 37w


    Isolation is my poison yet I'll never get enough.
    Can't drink to drown them, I'm forbidden.
    So they're roaring loud.

  • rogue77 40w

    Losing it

    Out of chaos
    Out of dissent
    Out of confusion
    Out of pretence
    Out of avoidance
    Out of indignation
    Out of destruction
    Out of retaliation
    Out of disorder
    Out of delaying
    Out of delusion
    Out of portraying

  • amoghavarsha 49w

    If You Talk To God, You Are Praying;
    If God Talks To You, You Have Schizophrenia
    - Thomas Szasz

  • london_sky 55w


    I must be going insane
    These voices in my head becoming more real
    Confusing everything I actually feel
    My therapist calls me delusional
    Maybe this is the universe giving me something to get through it all?
    I must be insane
    My mind must be playing a game
    Please these voices I can never stop them, they help me and make me happy
    However I am starting to believe they are apart of me.
    "They are real I swear!!!" I say as they put me up in chains.
    My tears fall down my face, a deep smile takes it's place.
    How can I show them that this is all okay?
    I have to prove to them that this is not all in my mind.
    That everything is really what I say.
    How could I know certain things unless I was instead psychic?
    Wouldn't that just make me manatic?

    However in your books that is more plausible than the existence of connection and communication.
    I will just fall into your hands of meds as you stick me into endless hospital beds.

    I will become insane at the start of your game.

  • rogue77 57w

    Ever Feel Like

    Ever feel like your here
    But not always really here
    Ever feel like you are alone
    But there are people who still care
    Ever feel like screaming
    But you know no one will even hear
    Ever feel like giving up
    But remembered optimism over fear
    Ever feel like your paranoid
    But nobody is even there
    Ever feel like nobody is interested
    But then suddenly everything appears

  • rogue77 58w


    It is hard for me to relax
    I seem to always be on edge
    I have to inject myself with insulin daily
    And I also have a mental illness
    Voices swirling around my head
    As soon as I wake from sleep
    An anxiety disorder disrupting my day
    A daily medication regime I have to keep
    Sometimes struggling to pay attention
    A false sense of balance and stability
    More pills to reduce high blood pressure
    While also juggling my responsibilities

  • rogue77 61w


    Psychological pain
    Schizophrenic brain
    Physically strained
    Emotionally drained
    Gas lighting games
    Methodology still the same
    Solid foundation I maintained
    In Isolation I entertained
    Specialist skillset I obtained
    Experienced insight I have gained
    Perspective has been changed
    Priorities have been rearranged

  • mindofminah 64w

    Reluctance On The Balcony...

    An ode to experiential journeys of linguistics... 

    You stepped in; invading, unnecessarily.
    All good intent, it isn't something that is in need of fixing.
    Allow it to exist; exit.
    You've done nothing wrong.
    Listening, I embody that of the harmoniously classic songs.
    Overlooking the foreign night sky.
    Learn as to why your body's reacting with a release, through a wailing cry.
    All internal. All internal.
    Memory's haunting in such a beauteous way.
    When you've been suppressing, everything goes astray.
    You cannot do this; finding balance? How?
    I don't deem it as possible.
    Of course one eruption isn't a corruption of all the self formed sturdy structures. 
    Although, there's definitely a form of a flooding.
    Everytime, reminded of how "it's all so terrifying".

    My ramen smells like seafood.
    First it was a position of feeling/being told I was selfish for experiencing this... Then separating from myself and "becoming" him?
    Leaving this; I retrieved myself.
    Yet, I was in an abundance of sharp, unrefined, dirty pieces. 
    Our time together, you helped me immensely with mending so much of myself.
    And so intrinsically, my pieces of mind were forgetting and ignoring you...

    So unintentionally...

    I broke you. 
    And I attempted to gallop in, steed and all, only to fall farther from one another.
    I invaded you, you didn't and don't want me.
    As much as you said you don't know; 'twas a no.
    This reminded and confused me of all that was left unshaken and untethered.
    I cannot halt or diminish the extent of this emotion, yet I am sorry.

    I hope you grow from it all.
    I hope the next lover you have, deserves you, uplifts you, acknowledges you and serves you in the ways I could only dream of.

    With a glimpse of current tidings; oh? It's me. 

  • sensitive_observer 66w

    एक आदमी अक्सर वो नही होता
    जो वो है,
    भूल जाता है वो सारी यादें
    और ये कि पीटी सर के आगे
    पालन करता था वो अनुशासन का।
    अनुशासित वो अब भी है,
    बस वो जूझता है,
    ढूंढता है
    अपनी पहचान,
    और इस जुस्तजू में
    खो देता है संतुलन
    और आप तो पागल ही कहेंगे,
    क्योंकि उसे मालूम नहीं अब
    ज़माने के तौर तरीके।
    दिमाग की उलझनों का गुलाम हो गया है वो
    इसीलिए अचानक वो सोचता है
    कि बैठा हूँ किसी मसखरे की संगत में
    और हँस पड़ता है किसी की मैयत पर।
    वो भूलता जा रहा है खुद को
    और तलाशने की होड़ में
    कई चेहरे पहनता है,
    मगर आपको तो याद है ना,
    मदद तो कर सकते हो थोड़ी-सी?
    मगर आप तो पागल ही कहेंगे।
    उसको तरीका नहीं मालूम
    तो वो कभी रोता है फूटकर,
    कभी बेतहाशा हँसता है
    कि शायद ये उसकी असली हँसी होगी।
    कुछ कर्तव्य निभा रहे हैं शायद,
    तो उसे बंद कमरे में छोड़ देते हैं
    और सुबह शाम खुराक मिलती है,
    शॉक थेरेपी!
    और आप,
    आपने तो मज़ाक ही बना रखा है,
    खैर छोड़िये, आप तो पागल ही कहेंगे।

    उपर्युक्त कविता schizophrenia नामक बीमारी से जूझने वालों की एक छोटी सी व्यथित झलक है। इसमें अक्सर इंसान अपने व्यक्तित्व से परे कुछ अजीब और चरम प्रतिक्रिया दिखाता है। साथ ही delusion और hallucination भी इसके लक्षण हैं। यह कविता समाज को इसे बाकी बीमारियों की तरह समझने के लिए प्रेरित करने की एक कोशिश है। अगर आप खुद में भी कुछ ऐसे बदलाव महसूस कर रहे हैं तो इसमें घबराने की कोई बात नही इसके बारे में जानें और उचित चिकित्सक से सलाह लें।

    #psychology #psycho #psychedelic #schizophrenia #splitpersonality #diagnosis #lunatic #poem #poemoftheday #hindiwriting #hindipoetry #hindi #hindilove #insane

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  • shyon_ab 68w

    You helped me grow

    I'm seeing hope today
    Starting to believe that
    I can be someone one day
    I thought it was you,
    But it ain't you
    It's beyond my comprehension
    For now
    I feel different today
    A glow I've never seen
    Is the mirror more clean??
    I'm more confident today
    I ain't afraid to talk now
    What if I tell you
    You weren't real
    That I made you
    But in the end
    You helped me grow.

  • wild_aish 70w


    Baggy black long sleeved pullover, inside which wrapped are a tiny little you, cuddling inside the warm cozy sheets, sleeping like a baby.
    Never before in my life, have I seen a morning scene as adorable as this one.

    For the first time in forever, my room- usually gloomy and gray is filled with the scent of roses and lavenders.
    For the first time in forever, did I make coffee for someone. For the first time in forever, does somebody's opinion about it- matters.
    For the first time in my whole God damned life have I felt a dopamine rush in my veins instead of adrenaline.

    And there you are. Sitting with your big brown eyes, wide open. Your messy hair dancing all over your shoulders. Your freckles seem like some sorta pixie dust sprinkled by night fairies. Why---
    Are you so perfect?

    With you, mornings seem like the best part part of the day.
    With the first rays of sunlight dancing on your hair, you wake up. Slowly, and beautifully, just like a bud blooming into a flower.

    I am waiting for you to taste the coffee.
    But then out of nowhere I remember to bring my cup of coffee too. I want to drink my morning coffee with you.
    I want this to be the best moment of my life. Sharing coffee with the love of your life. So I rush into the kitchen to grab my coffee, only to come back and see...

    You're gone. Just like everyday, you're gone, even today.
    I don't give up tho.
    I search for you, in every corner, sideways, under and above, but--
    You're nowhere to be seen.

    Well, can't say about hide and seek,
    But you are definitely good at upsetting people and leave them all broken.

    Why do you do this?
    Every single day. One second you are here, and the other moment, you're gone.
    Taking with you all the aroma of those lavenders and roses.
    Leaving behind a trail of brown blood stains on walls of my heart, painted in gray.
    If only agony had a face.... It would be you.
    I bring you roses... Yet you give me the thorns.

    I want to scream and yell, and hit myself for trusting you yet again. And throw away all that coffee, and lock myself in or jump off the building and end all this hide and seek But--

    Then I think of You. After I have am gone, what about you?
    Who will make coffee for you? Tuck you to bed every night? Besides, what if they blame you for my death? No. I don't want that. All I want, is you to be happy.
    I don't want you to sink the guilt of my death.

    And so I wait. Just like every day, even today.For I know, maybe with thorns, but you will come....❣

    :) ��

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    Mysterious Existences...