I don't exactly remember when was the last time I got drenched in rain.. Earlier, every time when the rain showered on me, I always felt good and happy about it.. But today, it was different.. When I got stuck in there nd all my cloths got wet, I felt some kind of clinginess towards my wet soul.. I felt like the drops rolling is taking down all my fears, my sorrows.. It felt like my disheartened soul is getting cleaned and clear about what has already happend in my life, and about what I want to have now.. It felt same as the earth getting washed away from the pollution and a clear sky can be seen, soon after the rain ends.. Nature teaches us lessons so pure and beautiful, with so much ease that it get pinned inside us.. We just need to let it sink in.. Today, I literally danced in the rain and now I feel alive again.. I feel, now I can write a long story about the renaissance of a dead soul, a story about the rebirth of the nature each time the rain showers.. _____________________________________________________________
ATTIC: Forlorn Truth.. . . It was three in the morning, I woke up to the sound of pouring rain.. The cozy weather was making me nostalgic.. Suddenly, my thoughts were scattered by a rolling sound, it was coming from the roof.. My body got numb but mind went into the curiosity land..
My shivering foot stand on the last stair at the ickled wooden door of the attic, that rolling sound gradually grew, while i was leading towards the old garret..
I entered into that loft, if was covered with the cobwebs and the white bedlinens overlayed on all the old boxes, almirahs and also on that broken sofa.. While my eyes were saccading fast, it stopped at the tiny tree house which was once my favourite place to hide in..
I saw, someone sitting into my old tree house.. Fear ran into my veins but it feels like I was so known to her.. My steps were not in my control it went towards her and I sat near her, she smiled at me and continued to color her drawings..
She was me from my pre-teens, happy in her own world.. She has everything, that I wished, I have now.. Those old drawing books, crayons, a small kitchen set and most importantly the jolly vibes..
While I was busy in my nostalgic thoughts, I felt she was staring at me as if she wanted to ask something.. I could read in her eyes that urge of growing up fast, into a young women, her expressions says it all..
But little did she knew, its tough here, to live up in my present age.. Its lonely here with a bricked body, crumbled heart and a different mindset.. You realize the reality of the world, the line between sanity and insanity, the boundaries of rights and wrongs.. That excitement of growing up early feels like lame thoughts.. All you want is go back in time and hide again in your old tiny wodden tree house..
Suddenly, my thoughts interrupted with the same rolling sound which brought me up here, and my surrounding again turned into the cobwebbed attic.. It was cold, and to I turned pale, I looked back to know what's rolling.. Screamed into fear, I saw a rodent running over the broken sofa.. Hurried, I went to my bed..
But now I think, I saw this coming when I was a child.. I still feel all the good vibes of my childhood.. I live in nostalgia..
But today I witnessed that life has its own path which we all have to walk on.. And the mantra of living is to love what you have, work hard for what you desire and be grateful of what you already had..
When I was a child Wanted to grow real soon.. Now, When m grown young I want to feel my pre-teen toons.. ________________________________________________________
In classical mythology, the phoenix was a unique bird resembling an eagle that lived for five or six centuries in the Arabian desert. After this time it burned itself on a funeral pyre ignited by the sun and fanned by its own wings and was then born again from the ashes with renewed youth to live through another cycle of life. The simile like a phoenix from the ashes is used of someone or something that has made a fresh start after apparently experiencing total destruction.
How do I give love to you when I am in search of finding it for myself. All the truckload of love I had within I showered onto so many like snowflakes & confetti. The myriad pieces touched maximum of masses resting on different parts of their body calming their nerves down, but emptying me at the same time. The barter system I didn’t anticipate.
Now that they are gone I’ve got to find those pieces of myself to complete the puzzle again. Some pieces that got burnt stings my hand the moment I touch it, some got soaked in materialistic waves & forgot their real shape, some got crushed under cracked concrete forgetting their own needs, & few that I might not be able to find it ever.
And to create those new,brave mini me(s) I have to wander in solitude, crack open my bottled up emotions, gulp the shame of disappointment, forgive myself for a heart big as a crater, & mingle with my soul again. Those parts I weave must have the shadows of polite past with a lesson learned in present. Not sure how long will this renaissance take.
How can I make you wait when I know how waiting for someone,feels. Even though I understand your heart what if those new pieces don’t want you, ever! How can I do this to you when I have gone through that pain myself?
I would be betraying even before I commit myself to you. How can I love when I am an empty vessel still trying to fill?
What they see isn't always true. I’ve been hiding the burning, dying parts of me in my hands behind my back wearing a broad smile in front. I have been precariously walking forward but they complain of me marching backwards and sometimes I believe them. The struggle they don't understand The smile I wear to keep my foothold.
I don't wish to trash anyone with my agony I don’t wish to burden anyone under my emotional breakdown. Not even you! If you enter my life at this point I might lean on you completely. You might even help me heal but I feel that would be temporary. And, if after I heal I might leave & seek something that attracts my new mosaic soul. Or worse, I might not be able to leave & stay with you in a loveless bond feeling obliged to be with you because you were with me in my sour times. That would be toxic.
How can I do this to you? How can I do this to myself?