In all my change of seasons- The pink blush, the bloody red and wheaty change My room stands as my witness And bear the brunt of my many shades No truer words can make me shake For I sometimes appear nonchalant When I should be awfully worried, I'd steal a melancholic scene And make it mine before I sleep, In my pensive mood, I'd replace the word 'happy' from my dictionary Unapologetically play apocryphal scenarios To make me sick and insane. When, by dawn, sunlight starts to shine I'd get amazed by my confidence soaring After the night I had spent crying, Having escaped from the moments I soak my pillow in tears Of broken dreams.
No one else but my room Has seen the light and darkness Emitting from my body. My room records my life The things I dare not share But I glow sometimes If you must know :) I have a huge ego too That would never drop From my rosy tinted lips I also abide by certain standards I ruled out for myself, Some may call it class But that isn't everything About me, you know.. I can bury my ego Six feet under, Live like a monk Admiring nothing but peace. It is just a room talk Between me and my other self The life we have imagined Beyond these walls that keep us in. As much as my world felt alive with new dreams taking shape inside, The things we have most often Talked about 'Us' has always Been in the form of either Pleasure or pain!
I have forgotten how pain feels like, How sadness feels like.
When you first left me , I cried for days all alone, Even at the night time , when streets lights are the only things awake , my eyes overflowed with tears and gave them the company .It went for months. It made my heart tremble , voice muffled and eyes dry. Well that should happen when we feel pain.
Months later , I could feel myself loosing my tears as if my tear glands were getting non functional. Doctor called it dry eyes and gave refresh tears as the only drop, asked me to sleep on time and to make less use of my phone.
Idk if it was doctor's words or what , I did left my phone , I mean I picked it up less often , uninstalled many apps , and started sleeping more and more. Day after day my sleep cycle improved and in the end sleep became my one and only escape. I didn't delete our old text and pics . I didn't tried forgetting you But eventually everything started to become numb .
I didn't felt anything for anyone . I knew my fucking emotions were getting blocked . I didn't do that on purpose , it just happened. Believe me I still want to cry but something within me had sealed the wild , heart grasping pain ,that I used to feel earlier when I used to see your photos with him.
Till the present day I sometimes stare at your pics and feel nothing. Not even hatred.But that doesn't mean I admire other things around me. I have left the feelings. I just go with the flow now, as if I was a log left on a rushing water current. I am blank . I am alone . I am lost.
Clobbering along your harsh screams, I accepted my defeat. The war of my love against your ego. The war of my devotion against your lechery. I couldn't fight anymore, neither could my heart. Those raspy words you use, hiding behind the curtain of anger, still echoes in my ears. Those allegations of yours, renders my heart with more soreness. Those reprobated hugs where once you were never ready to leave me once we get close, those apathetic kisses where once you used to forget everything while our lips met, those unanswered cuddles where once we used to spend our whole night holding together, those cold eyes where once all they searched for was me. When those giggles were replaced by the unending silence, when those long talks were replaced by the one-word replies, when our coition needed no long kisses, I realized I have already lost the battle.
I still remember the day you entered my life, your eyes bright and blue, your smile so warm and new. And now, the day you left, no guilt in your face, no tears in your eyes, no doubt about leaving. You were ready to leave, like you were waiting for this day. Neither you came to hug me when I sobbed, nor I begged you to stay again. I was tired, and frustrated.
Now that I am here, standing at the other end of the shore, I am happy without you. Without a temporary person who painted some chapters of my life with bright hues, while some were just torn apart. Without that person who claimed to love me, but never believed to show it. Without the same person with whom I dreamt of singing the never ending lullabies of love. Without the same person who didn't even care to ask if I am okay anymore.
//I stand here, when the calm zephyr brushes my hair and caresses my frigid heart with its calmness. And the serenity glared at me as if to demand a smile. I did. And I looked towards the horizon. The sun, once more was adorning. It once more became more relevant. And it felt as if I stole something from it, to later realize that they were the blushes.//