eulogy for hurricane mykal
Your funeral was last week: unspeaking, half delusional, sleepless and weak after that October morning the call woke me. Bawling bloated tears broke me, soaking my bones. I’m mourning, waiting for you at home. Beer cans in piles, nonstop laughter, we spoke plastered as the sunrise spun into a peach powder horizon. I still cry “why you are gone?” Goya spice on beans and rice, you always left during night. Air shaft lungs lit cigarette cinders even in zephyrs; fall leaves light our frayed twin flames. I miss how you slept till noon. On the way to the wake. I’m shaken. The car window draft makes me quake in amassed cloaks of mist over the silent I-90 interstate. I closed my eyes crying to the most beautiful song: it’s immense immutable quiet. A year crafted in fucking hell. I listened to muted mouthfuls of music ripple along walls as I got high. Scarred memories blister acute childhoods. We came out scorched, right? Your graft against host throat choked you the same, huh? Murder of crows grin that was applied post mortem thin. Snipe smoke slurred out roasted lung too August autumn fire hot.I don’t blame you for wanting the internal burning to stop. Cauterized words sing “I’m fine.” Grief gashes gild with time. The Kintsugi of the self, molten gold grows, clotting jagged cracks. Do you miss me? You taught me carrying charred crucible cups by yourself only ever overflow. Your comforting chaos will never be lost. I was caught by it too. You didn’t ask about the rouge red bloody bathroom sink, how hard I cried, the severed skin, or the empty bottle of rosé. You know how much I love you, a lot. Draping drunk, skating, scraped road rash knees, smashed knuckles bleed all wry together. Impossible flips on our ground floor apartment porch. It’s implausible, not any nouns, aphrodisiacs or euphemisms can’t make your absence go down. Trying to find the crown of the queen that “saved you.” And what’s lost can’t be found.
I got a bandana at your funeral and the knot slips. Could you twist it tighter round my wrist?