I suffered severe illness both mentally and physically so i had to lay down the pen. I went quite some time without writing and as i now try to i feel like i lost my "knack" for writing. As if i have lost the ability to compuse heart thumping emotion and display what really was my only talent. I feel seperated like a part of me has been lost and i can no longer connect fluently with passion and power. Each time i suffer an illness or life altering situation i seem to lose a bit of myself. Im scared to feel but i feel too much. Anxiety flows through me, depression drowns me, and i feel so terrified that i I can't even sleep, even with the strongest of sleep medication my brain just wont tune off and allow a moment of peace. I dont know but theres one moment in my life i can compare to all this mental disarray. When i was a child, very young probably 5yrs old at the most and i was in a shopping mall and somehow i got seperated from my mother and i was lost and terrified not even knowing what emotion meant at the time but i was completely scared and terrified i would never find her. I wondered about crying and looking and eventually my mother found me. But thats how i feel now and it makes sense my mom passed 6yrs ago and i have been lost ever since, but this time there is no finding her and without her i wasn't ME.