Marriage & Homesickness
This very feeling of homesickness after marriage is unswerving. I knew from the beginning that marriage has room for all the happiest and best moments of one's life but it has room for the sad parts of your life as well. A kind of sadness that grips like a solid mass in your throat which refuses to go away, that makes your chest twinge and eyes moist whenever you see an old photograph or feel nostalgic about certain things, that wrenches your stomach upside down, that makes your heart race, like experiencing a jumpscare out of a horror movie, a deep throbbing sadness which makes you miss your home, even more, it lets you realize what home is.
I was always a person who struggled a lot to adjust, make friends and change my routines. But marriage taught me how and why to adjust - compromise - settle, and adapt for the things which were particularly new to me.
I feel like a part of my home, stays with me yet it's lost somewhere completely. I miss lazing around in Pajamas with a hell of messy hair carefree, binge-watching my favorite TV shows, spending my whole time keeping my nose buried in my most favorite books, listening to my mom's soothing voice while I talk to her and my dad's pleasant voice while he sings, always seeing my two guardian angels before my eyes in their most beautiful appearance. Being the only child makes it more difficult after marriage to spend the days of your life staying away from your parents. I can't pass my day without thinking about all these things, about my parents, about their health and well being, about the food my mom made, about the secrets and laughter I shared with my parents, the movie nights I spent watching with them, the places I once visited with them, the journeys I have ever covered, the gossips I had, the meals I cooked for them, the days of shopping, the nights of feasts, the times of festivals, the birthdays and anniversaries, my first day of school and college when they came to pick and drop me, the therapeutic sessions I had when I felt like I had no friends, the lessons I learned from their experiences when I went astray, the morning wake-up call from mom by switching off the fan of my bedroom, the sound of my father's vehicle when he comes back home from work, the praise and appreciation when I win something at my college, the motivational speeches I got over times when I needed it the most.
As a married woman, I miss all of this, those days I spent without realizing that I will one day recall it from the folder of my memories. I grieve my childhood and the lost days. I grieve the days spent with my family, I grieve the good old days when I lived life to the fullest.
Though I have been married into a very loving, supportive, respected, and decent family, homesickness never fades away. I can't thank the Almighty enough for blessing me with such an amazing husband, who understands and supports me for who and what I am, who encourages me all the time, who never lets me down, who never fails to keep me happy, but homesickness has its roots connected deep down in the heart which can't be cut or broken.
Over the years...will it ever get easier??