Woke up with tears on my face as always. Wondering if I'll ever be able to break out from this loop. As I stared outside the window, I remembered something - "no matter where I am, I know you'll be able to sense the danger and save me". I feel guilty, I feel like a murderer because even though I knew, even though I sensed something off, I never came to save you For I thought if i stopped and looked behind, I would never be able to let myself go. So I consoled myself, tricked myself into thinking everything's okay even though my heart never agreed to it, even though I knew I need to stop and go back to you. Everything would have been different today, if only I had stopped that day, looked behind and gone back to you. If only I had stopped in my tracks, I would have been able to save you. But I didn't and now, I am trapped in this loop forever. The loop of heartbreak and guilt.
I don't know if I can hold it up. I live between walls of pure chaos. An overwhelming mind is depriving of peace. I am afraid of being successful, but I argue for success. I am afraid that nothing is going to actually happen. That I would keep been behind these four walls of fear, That I would never achieve my dreams. Even if I keep climbing that enormous mountain named life. They call this anxiety. The feeling of drowning in a seat, smiling when you are just sinking, joking when you are just crying inside. "Behind those walls, there is a world," They said. What world? "You would find it if you work hard." They urge with confidence. What if I have already burned my soul working. I have been working. Everyday. All those scratches on the walls. I tried to climb them. I tried to face it. I leaned over them just to hear it whisper back at me mockingly. "Don't" The walls always began to pound down my ears. "You are not good." It keeps repeating. "Really? Do you believe you can do that?" I could feel the mischievous tease chartering me into pieces. You don't belong there. I repeated to myself. Inside these four emotionless walls, There are days I forget to get out my umbrella. The tip of my nose still lets me breathe over the seasons flooding. I let my imagination take the best of me. I survived. But just for one night, after finding a hole to get all that water out. Yet, I don't know when it would rain again. "Get out and see the world? Why are you even afraid?" I heard them from the other side. "Because you are weak." The wall repeated. Yes. I am weak. I can barely climb the wall without breaking into a million pieces. I can never pass the same mark. I can barely make a hole. Why did I build them in the first place? "To stop a loop you couldn't fight." The wall explained as I simply lay on the bed. Ah, yes. Those scars between my legs, my mind, my heart, my ears, my mouth, and my soul. Why would I want to climb out when the world made me feel like this? I drow inside, but I submerged into a sea of mediocrity and selflessness if I climbed them. "But, I would stay with you?" I heard one of them from the other side. Why would they? No one cared back then. Why would someone care now? The world is selfless, and inside the walls, I can't control the heavy rains and the shattering words. I survived...? Or I am just there. Present. with no reason. Just a form of solid, liquid, and gas that roams. Indecisiveness. To the real question of how I should survive. Between the Walls or the world?
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