Black is not my favourite colour but everything around me is in black. From dark mode in the apps of my phone to my life, the colours somehow faded away a long time ago. Peace has been outshone by chaos and my life is nothing less than a havoc wrecked by me, myself. Going through some pages of my childhood on a subfusc night, while staring outside, makes me realize how much of a 'full of life' person I was. In short, jovial. I didn't fake happiness, I didn't fake myself. But now ? Everything is so different. It all seems like that black page of the scrapbook, which I always used to skip back then, just because none of the colour pens are visible on it. Yes, exactly like that I've become now. Without colours, without a reason to go out and breathe in fresh air. I fear people. I've seen people walking all over me. That old slam book which I made when I was a kid, is full of names of my friends with their photographs. Some of the names have already effaced and some are just saved in the contact list, sitting in a dusty corner. Their photographs now seems to be blurry, hitting me hard and making me realize that it's been so long since I've seen them or felt their presence. It's not only their fault but mine too. We lost touch. We never tried to be in touch. May be we didn't need each other or may be we were so busy with our materialistic life that we actually forgot the value of 'people' in life. And now, I can only regret. Life is now all about being locked inside a four walled room with pictures of my childhood, smiling. Cheerful, playing around, under the sun with a constant smile on the face. No worries, no fear. Huh ! I never knew adulting would be this tough ! Life is not anymore about those cute drawing books, sparkle pens, different shades of oil pastels or brushes dipped in acrylic colour bottles. Rather, it's about hiding my tear stained face, red eyes, drenched pillows, heartbreaking quotes, sad songs and some deep buried truths of life. I've been hijacked by my emotions in a way that they now strangle my throat and try to choke me to death.
I really hate this point of life where I, myself don't know where I actually stand. Some would just say "You're a grown up now, so act like one !" And some would just throw "Ah. You're a kid, don't act like a grown up !" *Like excuse me ? What's wrong with you ? Can you please make yourself clear with your own judgemental opinions and then please do me a favour and enlighten me too where I really stand ! This seems all so messed up.* I feel like a part of me is mocking me and laughing, saying how things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. How it's all so different from my expectations. How I was never told that I would have to go through such phases in life. I was not mentally prepared to be hit by such traumatic experiences of life. Not catastrophising okay ? I won't say that my life is bad because I know it's not. It's just I didn't think of it this way. People say, I talk less but they don't even understand this simple thing that when I start speaking about my problems or anything related to me, they would just start ranting about their own miseries. Like okay, it's not a problem for me to listen but someone who always listens to others sometimes, needs a listener too !!!!! What's so difficult in this to understand ? They can't just come to me and say "You're sad because you never share things !" *Like you give me a chance to do so !* would always come out as a murmur. Why ? Because I fear hurting people. I know, I've always been that kind of person who just fades away on days and comes back when everything becomes normal. This is my thing. I've become like this due to the situations. But not everyday you can fade away right ? Not everyday you can hide away yourself from people. But what might happen everyday is that you keep dying within. And that's what happening to me. I've been dying since years and by now, I've already died many times before. Yes, it does sounds much quixotic but some things are like that only. Out of many people's league to understand. While trying to become a moon for others I chose a dusky, deep ocean for myself to sink in. While trying to be someone who would give her shoulder for people to cry started has been taken for granted and ended up locking all the doors resisting human existence in life. While trying to be a reason for others' colourful, aesthetic life, I embraced black as an aesthetic shade for myself where highlighters and sparkle pens don't work. But something which hides every reason, everyone out there who are standing outside my door with esurient hands and ferocious eyes to tear me apart like they've always wanted to.
I've died many times before but this time, I'm alive in the dark, camouflaged , so that no-one could ever find me.