My layers of pain came from.
I'm going to explain why I'm the way I'am and why it's so hard for me to let go of my horrible, painful past. I'm sorry this is going to be long and don't worry, I won't go into detail.
MY 1st PAIN came from my child molester father, the one who should of been my protector from the day I was brought into this horrible world from a loving, caring mother. "I love you mom!" A father who couldn't keep his hands, lips and the other things to himself. My mother tried her best to protect me from him, but the law doesn't care and made me keep seeing him when I didn't want to at age 3, 4-17. I stopped going with him when I was 17, but when I was 27, I was hoping he would change his ways with me. At first he didn't try anything or say anything unappropriate to me. We went to the cemetery where my mother's mom and dad are buried at. I asked him some questions about some of the things he has done to me and he was shocked that I still remembered and blamed it all on me. "Of course a child molester will blame it on their victims." When I went with him to his Eye Drs appointment and then Subway to get something to eat, he touched my boob in front of some girl that was working there and she saw what he did, but said nothing and looked at me with a sad face. The last time I went with my father and I told him I didn't want to go this time, he made me feel guilty for not going "just like the last time when I was 17 when my grandma was dieing and would be the last time seeing her alive." When he showed up to my place, I gave him one more chance. That was a very big mistake and wished I just stayed home, where I know I was safe from him. But in a way I won't of found some stuff to read that would help me with people like him and what to do about it. We always go to the cemeteries to look for relatives and this last time I went with him, he was being disgusting. Touching and talking to me inappropriately. Then it took 3 year's for them to let me go against him in the court room and right now another 3 going on 4 year's now not hearing anything else about what happened with my father. All I wanted is to protect my kid's, other children and myself from the monster my father is.
MY 2nd PAIN is my four different family members on both sides, my uncle's and cousins molested me on different days, at different places and I never told anyone about it and I was 3, 4-7 going through it. Most of them are dead now and one that I know of is still a live and when he comes near me I tell him to"f" off.
MY 3rd PAIN is from a family friend who was one of my brother's best friends, raped me when I was 10, only because I won't give him a B.J. At first I was scared to tell my mother and when I did, the cops came the nexts day when I came home from school. I lie to the cops, because I was terrify what the cops would do and yes my mother was mad at me for lying to the cops. I never told my brother's about it, but my brother that is mean to me the middle child, I told him when I was 27 about it when he asked me a personal question.
MY 4th PAIN is the first time I went into a foster home, the mother was very nice to me except for her daughter, she was very mean to me and tried her best to get me into trouble from the stuff she did, but never worked. The second time I went into foster home the mother was very very mean to me and it sucked that I had to have her as a library teacher and she put on my report card that I'm mentally retarded. It's very hard to focus and learn when I have a deep dark secret inside and having people making fun of you all them year's and judging you because I was very quiet, shy, scared at the same time and not aloud to talk to anyone about why you are in the foster home, anything else about yourself and what you been through.
MY 5th PAIN is when I got back home from foster home, my second brother, the middle child treated me like shit and blamed me for getting us in a foster home in the first place. My brother is the one who made me feel like everything was my fault and I got into cutting myself and I started to blame everything that I been through on to myself. I even thought about actually killing myself. I did all this when I was age 12 and glad that I didn't, sometimes.
MY 6th PAIN I had is always getting into horrible relationship's that only wanted to use, abuse, lie, cheat, leave me for someone else and so on. Now I have someone that loves me and treat's me great, but some of the things that he does just kills me deeply in my heart and soul that I been trying to heal from all the shit that I been through.
MY 7th PAIN I had is having Land Lord's that get attracted to me and when I refuse them, they turn off the gas, hot water tank, try to get my electric turn off, tell lies about me, turn CYS on me because they think I'm too young to have kid's and had cameras in the hall outside of my apartment door to see what I'am doing and what I'm saying out there.
MY 8th PAIN when I was pregnant with my first son and I was only six months long. His low life father kept on leaving me and it hurt so bad that I wanted to punch something. The first thing that came to mind was my unborn child, but I told myself no it's not his fault. So I punched my bedroom door frame. When my son got older age 7, his father wanted him dead and found out on his birthday and I have it posted on here too. I have primary and physical custody of my first son and to this day his father is not around, even when the court said he can come and see him, because they don't care.
MY 9th PAIN my second son, the one I don't see. His father choked me, abused our son we had together and got his way in court, because they don't care. When I was with his father, I was more into cutting and thinking about suicide big time. I was with him for three going on four year's and I thought I was stuck being in that horrible relationship.
MY 10th PAIN I started cutting at age 12 and stopped at age 29, in 2017 the same year I started writing on here. I promised a friend that I would keep on writing and sharing, even though no one cares about me or what I have to say. It's ok, you know why? It's a lot better to let it out then keeping it all inside before I explode with all the pain I been through in my life and putting it into my skin. Even though I still crave for the feel of that kind of pain. It's like being a druggie or alcoholic that keeps on craving for their drugs or their alcohol, as mine is almost anything that is sharp.
MY 11th PAIN I didn't get treated good in my school year's either. I been made fun of and barely had any friends that would hang out with me and now that I have kid's, I don't have any friends. Still to this day, I can't make any friends as girls so I stopped trying with them. My man's guy friends, I guess are mine too. They are nice too me, hangout and actually talk to me.
MY 12th PAIN is that I'm a black sheep in my family and barely anyone in my family wants anything to do with me except my mother and sometimes my brother's. The rest of the family, it's like they are blaming me for the stuff my father has done to my family.
I'm only sharing some stuff about me, even though you guys don't care. I been through so much and people tell me to get over it and move on. If you was in my shoes and had no one to talk to about anything that I have been through. It will be a lot harder to heal from all of that. Now that I'm using my voice or writing it down, no one cares, even the people at are counselors. They change the subject to something else, or act like they care and give you pills just so they can get their paycheck. On here you get unfollowed, skipped and sometimes get ignorant comments. I even been told that I don't write poem's. I looked up what I write is called and found out I do write poem's they are called free verse poems. I just don't follow the rules and just write what I feel.