Me vs. Me
A war cannot be won without a battle
A war that begins inside of me has never been won without a battle.
Me vs. Me. Actually it’s ongoing. Intuition chimes in one or four issues, my mind says another couple of thoughts. Then I’m left to battle them out. Sometimes it’s not an easy battle. I don’t win a lot of the times. So, I learned to surrender when it’s necessary. A voice loud & clear saying “This is necessary.” On repeat. Intuitive thoughts go gut deep strong persuasion. It took many years to differentiate which was who or what. Not knowing anything besides I am losing my mind. That’s exactly what it felt like. Maybe I did, get lost only to find answers. The answers no one knew. Of course, I was nuts (still am.)
So, be it.
Let them judge upon their thrones.
Let them think as they will.
Who the Hell am I to try & change their dictations? Their thoughts, their beliefs? For I am just me, trying to figure out my path as I go along. Knowing damn good & well it wasn’t going to be an easy task. Lost many people along my way. Shedding tears, shedding skin & shedding what I thought was a permanent version of me, it was never me. Those were just temporary versions of myself. It turns out I feel that all I have done, my addictions, the drinking until I threw up, it was all necessary. To become the me I am today. Without any of those doings of self sabotage I would not appreciate life today. I would not appreciate me. That’s what I had to learn, a hard lesson to learn I might add. I was always lost, or thought I was lost. I felt I was lost. I look back and think what the Hell was I thinking. Thankful I am alive. Thankful for more than words can even express. At least for now. I can’t express them now. One day they will come to me. Until then patience my dear. Just patience. Others don’t understand. They want to put me down try to put me in my place & be hard on me. What they fail to realize is that I’m the hardest & most demeaning to me. The battles I have had to overcome. The self control I had to learn. The respect for myself I had to learn. It never came natural. It is a forced behavior I had to learn. Deep down I always knew I had to do so. I just procrastinated. As long as I could, admittance to oneself. Now that looking back was rough. Through inner work through all my darkness it has been found. Turning the lights on when I do wanted to leave the light off. Self made realization, it’s a powerful source of energy. A source of energy no one can give you. Only a bit of guidance with a little hope. It was enough to get me started. I learned to dance with myself, through thoughts alone. No more battles to be won. At least not against myself. I surrendered at most vulnerable of states of mind. At the right time.
As I always have said timing, timing is everything. The devil wanted to dance with me. The devil had his claws directly inside of me. I turned around, I took myself & ran like the wind on a cold blustery day. It was cold, it was dark but I needed to find me. See the devil gave me a starting point. To this day, it still confuses me. As to why it took the devil to lead me there. Took me by my hand & led me dancing with me in the darkness. Showed me around of the depths of Hell. Taking me to the unknown. Leading me to the most beautiful of places, one that I will never forget. One I will be forever grateful for. The devil himself walked with me within myself. Getting to know her, getting familiar with her. And that is why I’m here today. It has brought me to know myself better than I ever have. I do apologize to myself, to all involved that’s what it took. I’m glad to be alive to tell my story as best as I possibly can. Nobody has to believe me. They can twist it to make it sound worse than it was, or even better. I was there. I lived it. This is my version. I hope you can understand a little more about me. As I have learned myself.