I understand now
The way you violently
Kept us in line
To make yourself feel important.
And I've been your sounding board, since I was four years old. I was a wise child even then, because I had to be, to survive your rule.
Now, even after your coma and near death sequence miraculously gave you more chances to live again ...
You change nothing
You have always been a liar
A manipulative man
Seeking out sympathy from your daughter before she could even ride a bike.
Your marital strife, was a saga you versed me in.
Now, you are almost 90. Ancient. Their should be wisdom acquired by now, but there are only more lies, more boiling hatred for anyone around you who thinks for themselves. Because you are a follower, begrudgingly. You do it to be a martyr. For sympathy.
But I've none for you old man. I'm to blame. I've coddled you my entire lifetime and I've suffered from it. You never stood up for me, never got to know me, never heard me or cared to question anything. Your weakness sickens me. Have you never been grateful for anything?
You tell me how you and mom fantasize about how much better your lives could've been if you hadn't had us kids. With glee you told me this! Even if it's true...why speak it? You want me to know that you are sorry we exist?
We never asked to be here, under your thumbs, manipulated and diminished by your violent outbursts of fists and screams.
I used to watch you beat my dog through the window. Horrified and terrified and all at once grateful it was not me in that moment. But I loved my dog so much. He was my one spot of joy. You hurt him. You hurt me through him. You planted seeds of terror in my soul. Your eyes black like hollow holes of rage. I could not save my dog, nor myself. You were my father, the secret monster. Smiles and songs for strangers, jokes and laughter to draw them in.
And then other times you made me sing. Trained me to be your partner in ways my mother could not. You wanted to be famous. You wanted adoration above all else. You still do. And when I was little I sang and thought we sang together for the joy of song. The purity of harmony filling the air around us. But I was your monkey. You fooled me. You pretended to know me. As I tried my best to communicate with you through song.
I'm so angry all this time later. Mostly at myself. For not seeing through you sooner.
You created a jester that only a child would accept.
I kept your secrets because you told me your life depended on them. I grew up angry at a mother you made into my enemy, with your lies. Your groomed me to be your soldier, your mascot, your shield against her.
And even now, with your second chance at a valuable life...you cannot step into a life lived with integrity.
You can only brag, about yourself incessantly.
Old man, I loved you so, idolized you, took punches for you, gave you so much of my time and protection. Above my own life, I cared for yours.
You are a bad man.
You are on your own now.
I can't save anyone but myself now.
And you'll not even notice me gone.